to expect my DH to tone it down in lockdown?

[notsuremate]

He’s on a short fuse with the kids. Bellowing up the stairs about things being left on the floor and other ridiculous things. They are primary aged and messy but he’s on their backs constantly. It’s like being in an army regiment. This whole thing is shitty enough without not knowing when the next shout is going to happen. It’s making me bloody miserable and the kids are stressed enough! Who cares if a pair of trainers have been left at the bottom of the stairs. The worlds going to shit, I just want happy kids. Is anybody else dealing with this? Then I see that video of the dad singing with his family on this morning and it makes me want to cry! Why can’t I have that. A funny, interesting, sense of humour companion through all of this. Not a bloody army major who expects the kids to obey and behave constantly!

The children shouldn't be awake in the night worrying. Mine aren't.

You can go out for a walk or bike ride. Try to get them out for a long exercise slot.

Have you tried discussing it with him?

Lastly have you anywhere you can go? I know we're in lockdown but this is a situation that is unpleasant. Could you move in with parents? Or does he have somewhere he can go?

I doubt he would even want 50/50 access if he can't cope with normal family mess.

OP
Have you spoken to your husband about it?

Maybe talk to him?

Have a family meeting and lay down some ground rules. EVERYONE has to adapt their behaviour in these times.
It is time for clear, honest communication. First with him, and then with the whole family.

But, seriously, am I the only one who thinks primary school kids can and should be expected to tidy up after themselves?

Why do they need to leave their shoes at the bottom of the stairs? That IS really annoying.

My thought is that everyone needs to do their bit. Maybe a few times a day, have a two minute tidy, where they run around and put all their things away.

Shouting is NOT on, but I wonder if part of the problem is that you have different expectations of the kids?
I don't shout, I'm ok with the house being at 80% ( tidy), but people just leaving their crap around IS annoying, and unnecessary.

He’s controlling.

That’s abusive.

You all deserve better

My Mum stayed with my Dad (similar to your DH) for the sake of us kids. I’ve never really forgiven her for it despite understanding why she stayed. As a middle aged adult looking back, she could have removed us from the situation to protect us but chose to stay for 30 years. I left at 17, my brother at 16 and it was distressing to watch her suffer for another 10 years after that. The results of all this are 2 adult kids with MH problems unable to have a healthy relationship, herself ending up a shell of a woman living alone unable to have a relationship and none of us really even speak these days, we’re all living individual lives, struggling on disconnected from each other. It affects my DS directly and indirectly. I can be shouty and have battled with myself for years to eradicate that part of my Dad within me so I don’t inflict it on my child. Chances are your DH suffered similar so he needs to accept he has a problem and get help or you need to leave.
Someone has to break the cycle or it will continue.

As a child I used to lay awake all night scared and worried about hundreds of random things but looking back it was just heightened anxiety and the strain of having cortisol running through my body all day. Kids have a tendency to blame themselves for everything if they’re being shouted at all the time. Despite my Mums best efforts to shield us there’s only so much anyone could have done about the “atmosphere” or tension in the air that put us all on edge every hour of the day wondering when he was next going to explode.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you can work out a way forwards.

This is why I split with my ex OP
He would have been the same
I’d have some words if I was you

Wanker

The fact that he has always been a bit like this is a worry. If you haven't challenged him about his anger before, do it now - calmly, firmly. His response will tell you what needs to happen next. If he refuses to change, you have no choice but to start planning your exit once this crisis passes. You and your children deserve better than this.

My Dad was similar to your DH. Mum didn't leave until we were older teenagers, and it has had a massive effect. I was lucky enough to marry someone who is the complete opposite in character, but it still took about 10 years before I stopped being nervous when the house was a mess and he was due home. It took a course of CBT to undo most of the damage. It must be hell being trapped in the house all the time with someone like that. It makes me feel anxious just imagining it. If there is any way you can leave, then it would be worth considering it.

They then spend 50% of their lives with him alone
Why do you think he would even ask for 50-50? BY the sound of it, he does not like his children much.
And I also wonder why your young children are really that traumatised? Mine think it's one long holiday. It's more likely that having a shouting father around all the time is the thing that traumatises them, not the virus.

I think he is probably stressed himself(not an excuse obv) and by yelling at DC to take their trainers upstairs ,feels he is exerting some control when we are in a difficult situation anyway .Can you talk to him about his behaviour and tell him how much its upsetting DC.We are in Lockdown and this is showing up the cracks in many marriages! I would take videos of "Superdads" "singing with their DC with a pinch of salt though!. No one is perfect and they are probably moaning or sounding off when no one is watching them.Can you chat to DC and ease their worries ? Little Children should be comforted and spoken to about the virus in terms they understand ."Hi DC we know ATM we have a nasty germ that has come about , However our Prime Minister (similar to your Headmaster! )is doing everything he can to keep us safe ,and all we have to do is stay home for a while to help him!" Something along those lines should reassure them .Can you take them into a separate room to play some Board Games/Bake cakes /watch DVDs together ? If when lockdown is over you feel you need a Divorce ,maybe look into it ,and DH may pull his socks up! If not then EOW is the norm surely ? not 50/50

Away from DH I mean

everybody always says that but I disagree. So I leave him to mitigate “emotional damage” from the way he speaks to them? What then? They then spend 50% of their lives with him alone, without me there to act as a barrier. Whichever way I’m right royally screwed. Before kids he wasn’t like this. He’s got worse with age

OP, my XH was exactly like this. The only reason I didn't leave him when they were small is that I couldn't bear the idea of them being exposed to that without me there to protect them. His behaviour was horrible and damaging, but not quite horrible and damaging enough for me to believe he wouldn't have unsupervised access to them. And so I had no choice but to stay until they were old enough to be able to leave if he started being angry/controlling.

I'm not sure what I could have done differently. The children are damaged (now 16 and 18). I don't know if I should have left him earlier. Perhaps I should, and perhaps I should have made a fuss about XH to social services and tried to deny him access to them. I just don't know.

Some people become different after having children, so it's never very helpful when people ask "why did you have children with him?"

Your DC are more likely awake with worry at the change of circumstances and the virus meaning they are at home all day being shouted at by dad instead of having some respite. My DC know all the details, are seeing the adult news and are still treating all this like a big holiday. It's not normal for dc to be traumatised in this way - I very much doubt you leaving would in any way make things worse for them.
Re the 50/50 you will have left because of the damage his abuse is doing to the kids. I won't be as confident as a pp who said he'd get supervised contact only. That's kept for the very worst and even then is usually temporary- but 50/50 care could definitely be argued, that's even if he would push for it?! Even if he was to end up with it at least 50% of their lives would be calm and happy

Sounds like a vile PIG and a SHIT father, I would be kicking him out or leaving him as soon as humanly possible, his behaviour will do way more damage to them than worrying about Corona virus.

My childhood was spent with a father like that. My mother constantly trying to quietly tell us before he shouted, walking on eggshells, living for the times he was out. It IS doing emotional damage. I wish she’d left him. We’d have been so much happier.

@Dontunderestimateme totally agree about being nervous when my husband came home. Tea had to be on the table, house tidy etc. Took me years and a lot of patience from him to change how I felt from my childhood

If you read the opinions of people who have had fathers like that, I don't see any of them saying how grateful they are their mums stayed with the abusive and scary father..

I will never forget hearing my DS tell his siblings late one afternoon, with more than hint of panic in his voice, that they should all tidy up because daddy would soon be home. And seeing them agree and start to tidy broke my heart.

It harmed all my children to have this angry, controlling man in our lives.

I agree with the pp that says your children are anxious because they feel unsafe at home. I have primary aged children too and they are ok about coronavirus because home is a safe place for them.

You can't do anything right now, but abuse does ramp up in this situation and yours is too. Your H does sound like one of the profiles in the Lundy book, and your children will be experiencing this as much as you are. It was one of the biggest drivers to me to get out of an abusive relationship - the realisation that my children did see what was happening, and did experience it. (hell, my eldest even told me how controlling my ex was). And that was before he was violent to me. My most difficult lesson was realising that I needed to put my children first and stay away from this man.

Oh and you say that you are protecting them by staying with them? no you're not. I would be very surprised if your ex would have them 50% of the time anyway. But getting away from him would be the best thing you can do for your children - you will find (i'm sure) that their anxiety reduces once they don't have to worry about him.

I would have been one of those kids if this lockdown had happened 40 years ago, and I really feel for them all going through it now with no escape. My mum couldn’t/ wouldn’t stand up to him. I hope you can find a way OP.

And to those who think the children should pick up their shoes and other stuff, and that the untidiness is the problem - my exH's homes after we split were tips. They even smelled.

To those who advocate talking to this man - please re-read the OP's posts where you will find details on how he is always right / his approach is always justified. This is a man who does not want to hear the opinions of others on his behaviour.

In general, if you find yourself explaining the rudiments of civility to a grown adult who manages to hold down a job and sustain friendships outside of his own home, you need to take a step back and ask yourself what you are really dealing with here.

^this

My friend lived in basically a show home. Her abusive husband found other things to shout about when he couldn’t find a speck of dirt or sock out of place anywhere. It’s really not the untidiness.

DH is being a bit shorter than usual with the kids, but its to be expected in a way, its hard for everyone and extremely stressful on parents. Shouting constantly though would have my back up..no way should the kids have to deal with that. They are also bored and trying to entertain themselves..