to expect my DH to tone it down in lockdown?

[notsuremate]

He’s on a short fuse with the kids. Bellowing up the stairs about things being left on the floor and other ridiculous things. They are primary aged and messy but he’s on their backs constantly. It’s like being in an army regiment. This whole thing is shitty enough without not knowing when the next shout is going to happen. It’s making me bloody miserable and the kids are stressed enough! Who cares if a pair of trainers have been left at the bottom of the stairs. The worlds going to shit, I just want happy kids. Is anybody else dealing with this? Then I see that video of the dad singing with his family on this morning and it makes me want to cry! Why can’t I have that. A funny, interesting, sense of humour companion through all of this. Not a bloody army major who expects the kids to obey and behave constantly!

Sorry meant to link freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Abuse gets worse in a lockdown, not better.

Have you seen the news about domestic abuse ramping up and women already being murdered just a few weeks in?

This is exactly the same. It's abuse - directed at the children not you (although it would be at you if you challenged him, would it? He's just trained you not to) and so far not physical, "just" verbal and emotional abuse. But it will escalate under these conditions and already has done.

If you were already keeping time in the house with him to a minimum, and avoiding family holidays, you already know that he's a terrible husband and father. That's not a new discovery, it's just harder to escape now.

I suggest that you use this time - if there is any private time away from him - to start seeking legal advice about your options and the likely outcomes of any disagreements about child contact arrangements. The free rights of women family law helpline is a good place to start. You could also look at the child law advice website, advice now guides, etc.

You might not be able to do anything right now but please resolve to do something soon for the sake of your poor children.

Don't you think having a safe unstressed environment with you on your own some of the time/most of the time, would be better than spending 100% of the time on edge for the next episode?

What makes you think he would actually want 50% residency?
He might also be better as a father without living with them 100% - might be more Disney dad.

You running interference isn't effectively protecting the children, nor is it modelling a healthy relationship. Would you want your dc to be in similar relationships themselves when they're older? This is their normal, they're learning that men shout and bully and women placate and shut up.

Maybe buy the book, read it and then suggest he does unless he's the type to lamp you?

Many people are dicks, often unintentionally. My father was the husband you describe and I see many of his traits in myself as I've had children and they've grown up. I grew up in a controlling household with a father on a very short fuse and it has definitely left a legacy. I'm conscious of it and try my level best to just put the fucking shoes away myself rather than have a go at them to be honest. Without my husband pointing out to me that my childhood was not normal and the behaviour patterns he sees I think I'd be oblivious and just repeating the cycle.
Give him the opportunity to not be a dick and point this out? It probably won't work but it might?

They then spend 50% of their lives with him alone, without me there to act as a barrier.

And they spend the other 50% of their time with you, with none of that shit. And when they get old enough to vote with their feet, they will.

You might not be able to do anything right now

Leaving an abuser is deemed essential travel.

Yes but it usually takes someone a long time and a lot of steps before they feel ready to leave an abuser, especially if they have children with them.

Sounds awful, agree with the PPs saying prepare to leave once the lockdown is over. Do you have a garden or some outside space you could retreat to? The weather looks set to be a bit warmer in the coming days, so potentially you could leave him indoors and try to have fun outside where he can't see the mess.

You can't naively assume that if enough people shout "LTB NOW" the OP is just going to do it.
It just risks making the OP feel uncomfortable and reluctant to return to the thread.

Well I can’t leave right now because my kids are so traumatised by all of the Coronavirus stuff that they’re awake most of the night.

How old are your kids that they are this worried and traumatised?

I’m just wondered if anybody else had a partner like this and if they’d found any strategies that work

My DH is a shouter.

BUT he KNOWS it’s not right and he lets me tell him so and he apologises (to the DC) and he tries. He does not sulk or cause an atmosphere. He has a quick temper but he is also quick to apologise.

You can’t fix this in lockdown. Do the best you can. Let your DC know you support them, take as much time apart as you realistically can and make plans to leave when this is over. If you already spend most time away from him because of how he is with the DC then formalise it. You’ll be happier, they’ll be safer.

I think you can get men to change, but it's not easy, and won't happen overnight. First, you have to get his agreement that there's a problem. I think a possible way to approach this is to separate the messiness/discipline problem and the shouting problem. If you explain to him better ways of dealing with the mess together as a family (praise, schedules or whatever) , then the shouting can be dealt with by itself. Then, you can address that as setting a bad example for the children of how best to handle stress and disagreement.

This will only work if he has a strong basic respect for you and commitment to the family. You have to be tough with him!

Sorry if I am missing something - but what does he say when you talk to him about how he behaves?

I agree with others he should never have been acting like this in the first place. But, the fact this is an unusual situation gives you an opportunity to tell him he has to change. Could you catch him at a calm moment and say you need to talk? Then tell him you are really concerned about how he's changing the home routine you have established. You say you are not used to shouting at the kids, and they are frightened by it. Now you are all having to stay at home so much, it really matters. You tell him you're sure he hates shouting too, so clearly you need a solution. Then, if he's amenable to that, you suggest strategies - maybe he can list a couple of things he really cares about being done, and your kids can list a couple of things too, and you can end up with a family plan of what people are allowed to do, and what people accept others do because it's important (eg., if he really hates shoes on the stairs perhaps the children should make an effort, but in return, maybe he will have to put up with something else they would choose to do).

I do realise he may be totally unable to do this, in which case, sorry OP. :-(

my kids are so traumatised by all of the Coronavirus stuff that they’re awake most of the night

I do think this is important for you to realise - they’re feeling this way because they feel unsafe. My DC have also had moments of worry and fear, but not awake-all-night stuff.

Imagine you feel a bit unsafe at home with Dad, because he’s so unpredictable and angry. You sir do loads of time out and about with Mum. Now ‘out and about’ is dangerous. Home is supposed to be safest - but you don’t feel it is.

Your DC aren’t worried just about Coronavirus. It’s the whole situation that is worrying them.

You can’t fix him, you can’t fix the world right now. Just hug them, and make plans to make things better in the future.

Slightly against the grain here, but how hard is it to keep the place tidy and out shoes in the shoe place and toys away. Pick it up and put it away. DH is a nagger rather than a shouter but he has always expected a clean and tidy house.

My husband is this kind of shouter, was always like this when he was stressed, particularly liked a good shout if he was at home just as kids were leaving for school, i actually hated him for about 18mths, then one day he shouted and both my kids looked at him like he was a dick, asked him why he needed to speak like that, and of course they would make bed/move shoes but no need to shout, took the wind right out of his sails, they were 11 and 14 then, theyre young adults now and if he so much as raises his voice they tell him off! I do think its effected my daughters choice in horrible boyfriends tho, but my son is exact opposite of his dad and deliberately chilled out, he has said its a direct result hearing his dad ranting 🤔

@FlapAttack23 god you’re so lucky.

Luck has nothing to do with it. It's called taking your life into your own hands. For you and your kids. Something you can do going forward into life (even if now is not the right time for it, you can start planning a better future).

I'm a solo mum (he's adult now). So much better than being with an abuser (which mine was).

And it's bliss being by myself now in lockdown I tell you.

Slightly against the grain here, but how hard is it to keep the place tidy and out shoes in the shoe place and toys away. Pick it up and put it away. DH is a nagger rather than a shouter but he has always expected a clean and tidy house.

Yeah, but that is for the children/the DH to do, not the OP, right?

If the children are not doing it, and the shouting is not working on them, then the DH ought to figure out a better strategy. It seems odd to me that, although it's the DH who's pushing the unsuccessful strategy, it seems to be the OP who is being expected to pick up the slack.

Sorry, no practical advice to give you at this time but I do feel for you. You know it’s only a matter of “when” and not “if” that you leave him so keep a diary and get your ducks in a row for when you can separate. Talk to the children about thei father’s behaviour — acknowledge that it’s not right and don’t make excuses for him. Tell them you all just have to put up with it at the moment while you all need to stay at home. Try to spend quality time with them and reassure them of your love and acceptance of them as terrific little people. When he yells tell them to quietly say “yes dad, sorry dad” so as to divert his anger. Good luck

Why don’t you call the police @notsuremate

Domestic abuse still happens in lockdown you know.

He sounds very abusive to me.

Ring women’s aid and see what they say.

I don’t think your marriage will last if he’s this abusive and emotional damaging to the kids, nor do I think it should.

He won’t get them 50% of the time. Where did you get that idea. If you’ve called the police that will be on his record, and he’ll have supervised access only.

I know everyone stays stay safe these days, but I really mean it here. You are all being abused by him and his violent outbursts.

Make sure you are safe from him and turn off the tv for the kids. Don’t talk about the virus, just read with the kids, and play games.

If your DH is kicking off, phone the police. You are in danger imo.
And not from covid19.

My husband was like that. Me and the kids x3dds spent years walking on eggshells around him. He would often reduce them to tears. He would fly off the handle at the slightest thing and when I challenged him he would justify himself and say as his wife I should back him up and not undermine his authority in front of the kids. He ruined many a holiday, family celebration, weekend, christmas etc and I would often be upset and wish he was like other dads/husbands. I spent years trying to make things alright for the kids and trying to be as self sufficient as I could and do things away from him. I thought I was doing the right thing keeping the family together and making the best of things. I truly regret not protecting my kids and getting them out of that situation, all 3 have ended up with mental health issues; self harming and eating disorders which I now see is a direct result of his behaviour. I feel so guilty and wish I could turn back time and doing things differently. Please don't make the same mistake I did, he won't change and it will directly affect your children :(

@NellGwynsPenguin
Phone the police and say what?
My DH is shouting at messy kids?
Get a grip.

Life isn’t about finding strategies to try and control your husbands short temper!
Imagine your DD was living with someone just like him, what would your advice to her be?

Your DC aren’t worried just about Coronavirus. It’s the whole situation that is worrying them.

Agreed.

They are on edge because their father is shouting at them all day.

OhTheRoses How much of that cleaning and tidying that your DH expected did he do himself? Have a look at the freedom programme.