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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Furloughed worker and childcare

111 replies

MothTo · 31/03/2020 10:40

Recently been furloughed.

My husband has children and ever since I've been off work I've basically been a free for all in terms of childcare by him and his ex wife. It doesn't even really seem to have been asked, just assumed. His ex just drops them off with me in the morning on her days. My husband just says it's fine. I agreed to help out one day last week and since then it's been every day.

I want to help and I'm trying my best but I'm struggling a little. I don't have children of my own and I'm finding the schooling etc... hard.

I wanted to do the NHS volunteering with my time and maybe pick back up my studying that I'd had to leave due to work but I don't have any time for that now. I know that sounds selfish.

I'm not going to stop because I know everyone needs to pull together but AIBU to feel a bit shit that it was just assumed that I would do all this now?

OP posts:
Escapeistheonlyoption · 31/03/2020 10:42

What jobs do he and his ex have?

GreenTulips · 31/03/2020 10:42

Sorry but you need to put your foot down

They are both taking the piss.

Looneytune253 · 31/03/2020 10:50

I don't think they're taking the piss at all. IF they're both key workers (obv I don't know that yet) then of course they need to go to work and if there is a grown adult at home then yes they need to be doing the childcare. It's a no brainer and would save the children being out at risk rather than going to school. This would be more valuable to the cause than any nhs volunteering. That is IF they are both key workers.

Theresnobslikeshowb · 31/03/2020 10:53

Are they both key workers? If so it’s a sensible decision.

potter5 · 31/03/2020 10:59

They are definitely taking the piss and are assuming just because you are at home that you will look after them.

Not your children!! They should have asked!!

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2020 11:02

You need to tell them how you feel, not Mumsnet.

No-one likes to be taken for granted.

KaronAVyrus · 31/03/2020 11:03

I wouldn’t bother with the home schooling aspect. Let them go feral.

Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:04

DH definitely isn't a keyworker but can't work from home and from what I know of mum's job, she isn't either.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 31/03/2020 11:06

If they're both key workers, there may be some justification for you being dumped on (sorry, I agree it's rubbish).

If they're not, go ahead and arrange your volunteering. They'll be forced to make alternative arrangements for their childcare.

LannieDuck · 31/03/2020 11:07

Cross-post. What's DH doing all day? When the kids arrive in the morning, take yourself off to your room to study and leave him to it.

Definitely arrange to volunteer.

playthestation · 31/03/2020 11:07

I can't imagine a situation where I would not want to help. Is there a back story with this? Surely they are part of your family and you are able to help?

Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:08

Lannie, DH is at work. He can't work from home.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2020 11:09

No excuse at all for not asking if you’re okay with it. That is the definition of piss taking.

You can refuse to do it. Why haven’t you told them how you feel?

Cohle · 31/03/2020 11:09

If they're not key workers then I don't think you should feel obliged to help out.

Presumably they split childcare 50/50 though so you might, for the benefit of your own family finances, want to provide childcare for your husband.

Helping his ex out would be a kind thing to do but as she's not a key worker it's not something you should have to do if you're hating it.

Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:09

It's not that I don't want to help or that I even won't help (I am doing and I've already said I wont stop).

It's the whole 'oh moths off, I'll drop them off at 8 with you then bye'.

I feel like I wasn't asked or considered or anything, just assumed.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2020 11:10

You feel like that because that’s exactly what’s happened.

playthestation · 31/03/2020 11:10

Tbh I don't really see the problem. They didn't ask? I would have told them not to worry about the kids anyway.

Penners99 · 31/03/2020 11:11

Get up early tomorrow and go out for your exercise trip. Return in 6 hours.

Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:11

And I would just throw the bloody schooling in the bin but I feel like I can't. It's very much expected that they do it by their mum. Husband isn't really bothered either way but then I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not!

OP posts:
june2007 · 31/03/2020 11:11

Well if they are still at work then I think it is fair. Would you rather they went to a school/ out of school club meaning more people have to work, and less can social distance.

SudokuQueen · 31/03/2020 11:15

Where else are they going to go? Confused

There's no childcare for non key workers. Would you rather your husband stopped working and had no income? Or just leave the children abandoned at home? Hmm

What's your solution to not looking after them?

If you were working, one of them would have to stop yes. But again, it's a reduction in pay then for one family. I doubt you'd let it be your husband. So you'll have to pay for his exs family to survive.

LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 11:15

Of course it's not okay to just assume someone will look after your children all week without asking them, checking it's okay and considering their thoughts on the matter. No one is obliged to provide childcare to anyone's children other than the parents.

I get it's a nice thing to do but you're an entitled so and so if you don't think you have to be considerate about it and actually ask first.

LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 11:17

I don't think OP is saying she won't do it. Just that no one considered whether she would or not or even asked. And yes that's rude.

namechanger0989 · 31/03/2020 11:18

They probably are taking the piss but everyone has to do their part at this time... at work we have people who are fairly well paid with highly skilled jobs delivering lunches to other staff.
I do think it would depend on exactly what key workers they are though, if they are working for the nhs or such like then I get it and I think you need to suck it up. If they are working in a less important/more flexible key worker roll though (not sure what to say without offending) then they should be speaking to their employers to figure out a schedule

OlaEliza · 31/03/2020 11:22

If the cheeky bitch of a mother EXPECTS the schoolwork to be done, then she needs to stop work and do it herself. For that alone I'd do no schoolwork and feed them blue sweets for the hour before collection.