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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Furloughed worker and childcare

111 replies

MothTo · 31/03/2020 10:40

Recently been furloughed.

My husband has children and ever since I've been off work I've basically been a free for all in terms of childcare by him and his ex wife. It doesn't even really seem to have been asked, just assumed. His ex just drops them off with me in the morning on her days. My husband just says it's fine. I agreed to help out one day last week and since then it's been every day.

I want to help and I'm trying my best but I'm struggling a little. I don't have children of my own and I'm finding the schooling etc... hard.

I wanted to do the NHS volunteering with my time and maybe pick back up my studying that I'd had to leave due to work but I don't have any time for that now. I know that sounds selfish.

I'm not going to stop because I know everyone needs to pull together but AIBU to feel a bit shit that it was just assumed that I would do all this now?

OP posts:
LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 19:41

she is the one doing the care and deciding what to use, so perhaps she can get it and he pay for it

Yes. She's the one doing the care so actually she doesn't have to follow any sort of schedule or do any sort of 'craft activity' every day does she?

WanderleyWagon · 31/03/2020 20:06

I'm with the previous posters who said they would be inclined to help with childcare but on their own terms; no doing extra work just because their mum thinks they ought to be doing whatever it is. And I'd be inclined to say no incurring extra costs, i.e. all materials, online/streaming subscriptions, etc. that are needed, plus something towards their food, comes from the mother (or she could send them with a packed lunch and snacks)...?

june2007 · 01/04/2020 10:50

Why can,t a step mum provide food for her step children?? Yes I agree though she should organise what the children are doing.

FableFlower · 01/04/2020 11:02

Because OP shouldn't be out of pocket in order to do her step children's mum and dad a huge favour June. Same reason why if mum or dad wants them to do crafts all day, they should provide the relevant supplies (or accept her kids won't be doing crafts at all if that's what OP wants).

Why should OP provide free childcare every day and also be out of pocket for it? She's not there to serve mum and dad.

LittleMcJiggle · 01/04/2020 11:22

june2007

If this arrangement were to go on for months, why should the parents not contribute at all to the extra costs of food and activities? It's not for OP to spend her own money on that.

blueluce85 · 01/04/2020 11:38

Tbh if I was in your situation, I'd have offered straight away, not even wait to be asked /assumed....

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/04/2020 11:41

I think being expected, by default, to be the responsible adult in the house whilst others are at work IF they have exhausted all other options isn't massively unreasonable - don't get me wrong, its a massive pain in the arse, and it would be nice to be asked and involved in the decision rather than it just be assumed...

Expecting you to actively tutor them... thats massively unreasonable.

Depending on their ages, their actual parents need to supply them with a schedule and explain they expect them to stick to it, and put some system in place whereby your role is to simply ensure they have food/water/don't kill themselves/report back as to whether they DID stick to the schedule or not.

Expecting more than this is hugely unfair.

LittleMcJiggle · 01/04/2020 11:43

Whether other people would have offered straight away or not isn't really relevant. It doesn't make it okay that the parents just assumed and didn't ask. You should never assume someone will provide childcare for you (for what could be a very long time) and not even ask! And it certainly doesn't mean that OP has to follow a schedule set out by said parents

LittleMcJiggle · 01/04/2020 11:43

I've no idea why I put that in bold apologies Grin

HillAreas · 01/04/2020 12:44

@june2007

You might as well ask why an RP can’t just look after and provide food for their own children - why should they be entitled to a contribution from the NRP? It’s no big deal after all.

Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard such entitled nonsense even on MN Confused

june2007 · 01/04/2020 16:37

Well it could be the dad providing the food wouldn,t it as it,s his household. Anyway how it is worked out iss for parents and op to sort out and we all have our own way of doing things, mine would be different to others.

Corna · 01/04/2020 20:46

Right, but currently the parents and the op aren't sorting it out are they? Husband has just dumped his kids on the step mum without a moments thought about her feelings.

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 01/04/2020 20:51

I understand where you're coming from regarding feeling like they see you're off you can do childcare. Maybe say something to dh about it, say you're not fussed (I get that from your replies that you don't seem to mind looking after them, more the lack of thought on parents side) but you feel a bit out on as noone asked if you were OK to do it.
Also could you get the children started on their school work and study along side them?

Frankola · 01/04/2020 21:11

They are totally taking the piss for not asking you.

However you all need to pull together at this shit time.

Saying that, your husband needs to get his arse into gear and help

Cremebrule · 01/04/2020 23:01

How old are they and how long have you known them? I’m finding it hard enough being with my own children 24/7. If you’ve only really had them for the odd hour by yourself, it’s going to be really hard. The parents should be making it as easy as possible for you and not expecting our to turn into a master childcare provider.

Merryoldgoat · 01/04/2020 23:06

All I’ll say is that when my MIL looked after my children (very kindly and for free) I told her the only expectation I had was that they have a nice time.

You are perfectly within your rights to say ‘I’m happy to have them but I’m not doing hours of lessons a day.’

Darbs76 · 01/04/2020 23:28

Some of the replies on here. Just expected to have them and entertain and feed them all day everyday for months. Not on. I’d say that you can’t do the school work every day, sorry but mum will have to help do that in the evenings like so many other working mums right now. They are taking the P Not even checking that it’s ok, or how you are feeling about it etc

Glitteryone · 01/04/2020 23:47

They are your step children so I think that YABU, sorry!

If you had booked annual leave and were in this situation, I would side with you. However, you’re not off on a jolly. You’ve been furloughed due to a global pandemic and you need to do your bit for your family.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 07:22

Well it could be the dad providing the food wouldn,t it as it,s his household

So if this were to go on for months, mum shouldn't contribute at all in your opinion? Hmm wonder if you'd say the same if it were the other way around. Something tells me not. Something tells me dad very much would be expected to contribute.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 07:24

you need to do your bit for your family

OP doesn't need to do anything. That's the exact problem. She should have been asked and considered first not just assumed. And certainly not assumed that she'd look after them on mum's days as well as dad's.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 07:29

If someone had posted on here that their ex-husband had got wind that your partner, your child's step dad, was now off work and so expected (not asked) him to look after the kids on his days, no one would say anything but how rude and entitled the Ex-H was and how he should sort out his own childcare/show some consideration/ask/contribute etc...

LynetteScavo · 02/04/2020 07:32

You are not unreasonable to be really pissed off about this, but unfortunately I think you do need to have the children at the moment. However, while they are with you, it's up to you what activities they do. If you want them to watch film sand eat pop corn all day, that's your choice. How much screen time they have can't be dictated by anyone else right now.

Hopefully this can be a time when you get to really bond with the kids and something positive can come from a shitty situation.

drspouse · 02/04/2020 07:46

What would they do if you weren't there?
I imagine they'd tell their employers either a) I must work from home half the time or b) I must go half time and share the care or c) I must change my shifts and work weekends/evenings when my ex is at home.
You should

  • tell them you are no longer available on X day and they are going to have to work out one day care with their employers
  • tell them you are doing all day screen time unless they do planning and shopping
I do agree re planned activities though. We plan our days quite closely.
Shouldershrugger · 02/04/2020 07:59

Op how you feeling today?

PenguinOrHippo · 02/04/2020 08:02

OP, I am not sure what ages your step children are, but I am struggling home schooling my own (11, 9, and 7). Schedules sometimes go out the window and there are fall outs, tantrums about the schoolwork etc and some days we just need to be flexible. It is also a scary for children (and everyone).

It is brilliant that you are having them, but as so many posters say, expecting a schedule is ridiculous. If you do want to school them, lower the expectations!!! Aim to get two core topics (maths, English, science) in per day, per child, one additional is a good day.

Ask the mum / your DH to pay for subscriptions which support the core topics (for when days are tough). And watch a film, bake a cake etc with them.

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