AIBU? Furloughed worker and childcare

[MothTo]

Recently been furloughed.

My husband has children and ever since I've been off work I've basically been a free for all in terms of childcare by him and his ex wife. It doesn't even really seem to have been asked, just assumed. His ex just drops them off with me in the morning on her days. My husband just says it's fine. I agreed to help out one day last week and since then it's been every day.

I want to help and I'm trying my best but I'm struggling a little. I don't have children of my own and I'm finding the schooling etc... hard.

I wanted to do the NHS volunteering with my time and maybe pick back up my studying that I'd had to leave due to work but I don't have any time for that now. I know that sounds selfish.

I'm not going to stop because I know everyone needs to pull together but AIBU to feel a bit shit that it was just assumed that I would do all this now?

Sounds tough OP. I think in your shoes I would do the following.
Explain to DH that you are rolling up your sleeves to do this for his children but you are not going to find it easy and you do not expect to be taken for granted. What jobs that you usually do can he pick up in the evenings and weekends? What craft activities can he research and prepare for the dc? Or do with them after work? Then I would make your own daily routine that suits you. Maybe some settling in time, some work with your support, some play or exercise together, some lunch prep or baking together, some quiet time playing or reading on their own while you read. Lots of flexibility to what suits you. And only as much work as they and you can handle, their parents can do more with them evenings and weekends if they want. Let the dc relax and have fun. If their mum challenges it, smile neutrally and say this is what I can do, if you have another option, let me know.

Honestly I can't understand how somebody would prefer to volunteer for strangers rather than help their own family.

People seem to forget that children grow up to become adults who remember how they were treated in childhood and if their memory is of a stepmother that saw them as an inconvenience, don't be surprised if you have a very poor relationship with them in the future.

If this was a man complaining about minding his stepchildren when he wasn't working but his wife had to, he would be told he knew what he was taking on when he married their mother and would be accused of being a cocklodger. MN double standards strike again.

As for those people asking what would the parents do if OP wasn't available, the point is that she is available!
You could flip it and ask OP what she would do if her husband got full custody and the children lived there fulltime.

The parents need to agree how their children's activities and food will be planned and take responsibility for half each. It doesn't sound like your usual family dynamic means you're used to spending lots of alone time with them or keep up on the details of their day to day education, so you can't be expected to suddenly know them inside out now. You can support your DH in his share of the planning if you choose to.

I also think it's reasonable to ring fence some time each week to pursue your own interests, being off work can be a tough time mentally and for your confidence. If you want to continue with studies as part of your own professional development then that's a valid reason to say no to Tuesday's etc and either your DH or the children's mother will need to take annual leave/unpaid leave to cover that day (if they're not essential key workers as you say). That's what every other parent is having to do right now.

This is the 2nd Step-mum thread I've read this morning. In one the 19 year old DSD is doing nothing but sitting in her room dominating the family laptop and posters all agree that it's her home and she can do what she likes and the step-mum is being unreasonable in expecting her to be a part of normal family life.

In this one the step-mum is expected to simply suck up taking over all childcare, schooling and do something creative every day with no input from either parent?

They are allowed screens until X time and then they have do something creative, then it's X, then its Y.

I'd be saying "send them over with the stuff then" and leave them to it. Or Fuck. That. Shit. or something in between.

There's some awful suggestions on here!
The only thing I would be annoyed about is that you seem not to have actually been asked about this, but then again I would have said something at the end of the first day. By not doing so, your resentment has built up. That's your fault, not your DH or his ex.
I absolutely think you should continue to do the childcare. If you didn't, who would? You're wanting to volunteer to help out strangers, but not your own family? That's a bit odd.
Speak to your DH and his ex about how you feel, and make sure that between them they organise any resources you might need. After all, they are obviously going out of the house, so they can pick up supplies. Draw up a daily schedule that includes some learning but also what happens in down time, and don't be dictated to by them.
As for expecting their mum to provide food as others have suggested, that's tricky. Does your DH provide food for them when they go to their mums house? I would, however, ask the ex to bring a big bag of snacks etc for the kids, again as she's out and about she's able to pick things up. Finally, please don't have any conversations about looking after them in front of the children, as all thatbwill do is make them think you don't like them.

As for those people asking what would the parents do if OP wasn't available, the point is that she is available!
No, @Praiseyou , the point is that OP wasn’t asked and to be perfectly honest, if she had other plans for herself then she’s not available at all.

They aren’t her kids/responsibility/problem. Anything she chooses to do is a nice bonus and should never be cheekily expected or imposed.

I’d say the same to a step father. I don’t care who you are, you don’t get to just dump your kids on others without asking and you certainly don’t follow that up with an officious list of further demands.

That is the point. Happy to help.

Why are they going out to work if they're not key workers? OP you need to stand up up for yourself. Ask them why they think you're looking after the DC, they didn't ask and you didn't offer.

Seems like stepmums are supposed to turn themselves inside out for stepkids but stepdads can just play with them for half an hour and get a standing ovation.

How is the OPs fault? Why should you demand people respect you and appreciate you. If someone was providing me with free child care I’d be falling over myself with gratitude and I definitely wouldn’t just assume without asking. Looking after children is hard especially when they are not yours.
I’m not sure the OP was realistically saying she was going to volunteer etc just that she felt it should be acknowledged that she’s giving up things rather than just being taken for granted.

As for expecting their mum to provide food as others have suggested, that's tricky. Does your DH provide food for them when they go to their mums house?

If the mum's partner was looking after the children all day, every day on their dads contact days then yes I'd also expect him to as well.

The amount of additional food we've gone through having the kids here all day rather than at school is ridiculous.

And whether OP wanted to volunteer, study or practice bloody yodelling in her living room all day is irrelevant. Her time is her own and it's not for anyone to unilaterally decide how she spends it without speaking to her.

Do your own timetable. Take the time to bond with them sound things that you’d like to do. If mum doesn’t like it tough shit. You’re not a nanny, you’re not a teacher you are the children’s stepmom

How old are the children, maybe mnetters can give you some ideas on what to do