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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Furloughed worker and childcare

111 replies

MothTo · 31/03/2020 10:40

Recently been furloughed.

My husband has children and ever since I've been off work I've basically been a free for all in terms of childcare by him and his ex wife. It doesn't even really seem to have been asked, just assumed. His ex just drops them off with me in the morning on her days. My husband just says it's fine. I agreed to help out one day last week and since then it's been every day.

I want to help and I'm trying my best but I'm struggling a little. I don't have children of my own and I'm finding the schooling etc... hard.

I wanted to do the NHS volunteering with my time and maybe pick back up my studying that I'd had to leave due to work but I don't have any time for that now. I know that sounds selfish.

I'm not going to stop because I know everyone needs to pull together but AIBU to feel a bit shit that it was just assumed that I would do all this now?

OP posts:
StripyHorse · 31/03/2020 12:54

It would be nice to be asked but it doesn't seem unreasonable to look after your step children if you are not working.

However, I wouldn't be dictated to in terms of schedule.

Lots of childcare is being done by people working from home so don't let the children stop you doing that.

Likewise, if you want to volunteer for the NHS, do that and say you will do childcare on the days you are not needed.... but DH and his ex need to understand the additional risk of you transmitting the virus.

StripyHorse · 31/03/2020 12:57

And I agree with PP that the ex (or your dh) need to sort resources for them, not you.

theemmadilemma · 31/03/2020 13:45

So they haven't asked, and have given you a schedule and you've just sat back and done it?

You need to step up and let them know it isn't ok to treat you like that.

freeingNora · 31/03/2020 13:55

You can say no ! It's allowed just simply say I've done the first two weeks of childcare from Monday you're on your own end of discussion when she turns up on Monday don't answer the door

If your DH has agreed to throw your time around like it's confetti then he should pull his weight

Cheeky pair of so and so

timeisnotaline · 31/03/2020 13:56

Just put Disney on for them. Disney is creative. I understand why you are looking after them but screw homeschooling if it’s stressing you out. It won’t affect primary school childrens future. If she complains point out to your partner that you are doing your best and perhaps if someone has asked you you might be feeling better about it and I’m sure you and ex are both super grateful deep down but I really can’t see it so why don’t you all look after your own children.

Let it out op, you will feel better! And if he is guilting you about tough times etc just shout YOU STILL COULD HAVE ASKED!! THERE ARE LOTS OF PARENTS WHO HAVE TO LOOK AFTER THEIR OWN CHILDREN BECAUSE ITS TOUGH TIMES SO ITS HARDLY TOUGH FOR YOU.

SoloMummy · 31/03/2020 13:57

I would first of all ask what her job is. Plenty of parents are having to work and school esch day.

Secondly I would say thanks for the schedule, send the resources and activities with them please. If not received then just go about every day life. She also needs to take some responsibility.

If the days are your husbands responsibility ask him the same.

It takes a serious amount of brain power to think of activities. We have had paint and olaydough out to break up the memotimy of boring maths! But being a parent I do know where my child isn"at" educationally.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2020 13:58

Well, are you now going to stop being walked over?

What are the good parts of the relationship? Because treating you this way is very, very poor and does not bode well for your future.

ButteryPuffin · 31/03/2020 14:01

The BBC is your friend here too. There's CBeebies, CBBC (depending on their age) and tons of things like Blue Planet and other animal documentaries that would count as educational on iplayer. Make extensive use of those.

SharonasCorona · 31/03/2020 14:12

YANBU. What do you plan to do OP?

VanGoghsDog · 31/03/2020 14:24

Well, I suppose I would look after them on my DH's days but the mother needs to find her own childcare for her days.

It's ridiculous to expect someone to suddenly be able to home school kids when they don't even have kids and are not a teacher!

LannieDuck · 31/03/2020 14:55
  1. Is she a key worker?
  1. Your DH needs to discuss with his work an arrangement whereby he can look after his kids half the time. How are his coworkers with kids managing?
  1. Get on the volunteering site today.
  1. Tell your DH/his ex that you'll be studying on Mon/Weds/Fri next week, so they'll need to make alternative arrangements for those days.
  1. Scrap their homeschooling schedule - if you're looking after the kids, you do it your way or not at all.
  1. Have an open conversation with your DH. It concerns me that you don't feel entitled to voice an opinion on this.
VanGoghsDog · 31/03/2020 15:39

Her being a "key workers" has nothing at all to do with it.

forrestgreen · 31/03/2020 15:57

I think I'd say I'm happy to help because otherwise financially people will suffer.
However I'd get dh to talk to ex about sending work they can do independently, that craft resources would need to be provided and that you won't be following a schedule.

june2007 · 31/03/2020 16:05

Why does mum have to provide the surplies they are part of your family too. And you can surely decide what craft they are to do. (except if it is school related.)

LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 16:22

OP shouldn't be the one lying awake at night trying to decide what crafting activity they are going to do tomorrow because it's on the schedule she's been given by the children's parents. And no, OP should also not be the one buying craft supplies, work books etc.. as suggested by others.

If mum or dad want their child doing a craft activity every day then they need to be supplying the resources to do that and even then it's entirely down to the OP as to whether she wants to do it at all. She does not have to follow any schedule if she doesn't want to and she does not have to spend her money supplying the tools for it either. That's mum and dad's job. They don't get to have free childcare every day, their children's education continued and also not have to dip in their own pockets when needed to facilitate said education either.

PikachuAndMe · 31/03/2020 16:22

I would look after them but fuck enforcing schoolwork or a schedule. I would let them do schoolwork if they chose to but otherwise they can play games, watch tv, and play on tablets while I got on with my own stuff. I would be doing them a favour so they could fit in with my schedule.

LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 16:23

Why does mum have to provide the surplies they are part of your family too

I assume by this you are suggesting the father can also provide the supplies and not that OP should fund and gather them herself?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/03/2020 16:25

Just leave early in the morning to go to the shops/ exercise and turn off your phone.

nanbread · 31/03/2020 16:28

I would look after them but fuck enforcing schoolwork or a schedule. I would let them do schoolwork if they chose to but otherwise they can play games, watch tv, and play on tablets while I got on with my own stuff. I would be doing them a favour so they could fit in with my schedule.

This. Basically I'd be in the house with them but otherwise leave them to it. I'd also ask them to provide food and snacks.

They're being incredibly unfair on you.

How old are they?

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 31/03/2020 16:38

How old are they? If you don't have creative type activities in your home then DH or their Mum needs to sort some out, otherwise skip creative time. Same with everything else on the schedule. Do things with them that you enjoy (a walk, cooking, watch a film). If they're old enough you should be able to do some studying. Mine are 9 and 10 and are picking their own school learning activities and don't need constant supervision so I'm getting plenty of spare time.
And YANBU to want to have been asked but if DH and/or his ex have to take time off it may be unpaid because they can't work from home, so I guess that would be difficult for all of you unfortunately.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/03/2020 16:40

Why on earth haven't you said something? You are letting yourself be a doormat.

Yes, DH and his ex are taking the piss, but you're letting them!

CalmdownJanet · 31/03/2020 16:42

Who said they are allowed screens until x time and something creative after op?

You really need to talk to your oh. What if you were to catch this or become sick with something else, what are their plans then?

ilikefastcars · 31/03/2020 19:08

Haven't you got to go to the supermarket tomorrow op? About 10 mins before DH has to leave for work?

june2007 · 31/03/2020 19:09

Yes op could ask her oh to provide the materials, but she is the one doing the care and deciding what to use, so perhaps she can get it and he pay for it. I have not gone out of my way to buy materials. Seriously not a big deal to look after your step children is it?

LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 19:39

Seriously not a big deal to look after your step children is it?

Really? It's not a 'big deal' looking after multiple children all day every day, that aren't yours (step or otherwise) and everything that entails (unless you're suggesting being a SAHP isn't a 'big deal' and they do nothing all day, all whilst following a strict schooling schedule that's been decided by their parents?

Oh and don't forget the fact that OP has already stated she hasn't often looked after these children by herself before and has none of her own.

It's not surprising how many entitled people there are out there these days when someone thinks doing all of the above for someone else's kids (for free) is 'no big deal'.

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