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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Furloughed worker and childcare

111 replies

MothTo · 31/03/2020 10:40

Recently been furloughed.

My husband has children and ever since I've been off work I've basically been a free for all in terms of childcare by him and his ex wife. It doesn't even really seem to have been asked, just assumed. His ex just drops them off with me in the morning on her days. My husband just says it's fine. I agreed to help out one day last week and since then it's been every day.

I want to help and I'm trying my best but I'm struggling a little. I don't have children of my own and I'm finding the schooling etc... hard.

I wanted to do the NHS volunteering with my time and maybe pick back up my studying that I'd had to leave due to work but I don't have any time for that now. I know that sounds selfish.

I'm not going to stop because I know everyone needs to pull together but AIBU to feel a bit shit that it was just assumed that I would do all this now?

OP posts:
Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:22

I'm just struggling is all. I don't have children of my own, I'm not regularly left on my own with them so to go from a couple of hours every now and then to every day, doing school work, dealing with fall outs etc... I'm finding it hard.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/03/2020 11:24

Why does your husband get to decide how you spend your time?

Whatifitallgoesright · 31/03/2020 11:28

How old are they? Frankly I would forget about the schoolwork. Do stuff you enjoy with them, let them on screens, do an hour of schoolwork a day. Their mum doesn't have any right to dictate what you do with her children in your own home.

Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:31

Thanks. I feel like I've been given a schedule. Well I have essentially.

They are allowed screens until X time and then they have do something creative, then it's X, then its Y.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 31/03/2020 11:31

If you were still going to work what would they have done for child care?

KaronAVyrus · 31/03/2020 11:32

Have you told your husband how you feel?

Bibidy · 31/03/2020 11:33

No way would I be doing this. It's not your job to look after their kids daily for them.

LouiseTrees · 31/03/2020 11:37

Tell the mother you will still do it but you are struggling keeping to the schedule, would she mind if you eased off a bit when it looks like it’s going to cause issues. What ages are the kids?

Original poster
MothTo · 31/03/2020 11:37

I was lay awake last night trying to think of something I could do 'creative' with them after their screen time and worrying that I couldn't find anything.

No I've not said anything yet. I always do this though, I always let myself get walked over.

OP posts:
LittleMcJiggle · 31/03/2020 11:41

No don't ask if she'd mind. Tell them you can do X and Y and then you're studying for the rest of the afternoon.

You do not have to follow their schedule. If they don't like it they can arrange something else between themselves.

Howyiz · 31/03/2020 11:44

Tell the childrens parents that while you will mind them, how they spend the time will be decided by you and if they have complaints they can find another childminder.
I am not doing full school days with my own kids, nor are many others I suspect. We ALL have to make compromises including your husband and his ex.

ButteryPuffin · 31/03/2020 11:45

If they're in your care, the mum doesn't get to dictate how they do school work or what they do (as long as it's not outright dangerous, obviously) She doesn't get to do that with school, does she? And I can see it's difficult but it is rude that they haven't asked you or thanked you.

tabulahrasa · 31/03/2020 11:45

“They are allowed screens until X time and then they have do something creative, then it's X, then its Y.”

Hmm no... you’re doing them a favour, as long as you’re looking after them appropriately - how you do that is up to you and they can like it or lump it.

Chilver · 31/03/2020 11:48

If they have given you a schedule, they need to give you the tasks too. Ask them for all the resources to do with the children, including creative time resources. I was up at 5am this morning gathering resources for home learning today so that I could home school AND work full time.

KaronAVyrus · 31/03/2020 11:49

You really need to tell him. Tell him today that you feel taken for granted and that it’s too much for you.

DonnaDarko · 31/03/2020 11:51

It doesn't matter what jobs they do, or that you have been furloughed. They didn't ask and that would get my back up straight away. You need to just tell them that it won't work for you, and if they insist, make sure you're out of the house doing an essential shop when she drops them round Wink

Dishwashersaurous · 31/03/2020 11:56

Tomorrow get up at 7am and go for a five hour walk. It’s still allowed in lockdown.

Then that evening sit down with your husband and explain that you cannot do childcare all day every day.

Maybe say that you will do two days a week and explain that on those days you will follow your own schedule

andweallsingalong · 31/03/2020 12:18

I do think they could have been kinder, but I would caution against ditching the school work. My lo thrives on routine and would be climbing the walls by now if she didn't have a structured "school" day.

It takes me ages to do her timetables so Mum might have thought that she was being helpful.

Do be kind to yourself though and if you can buy in resources - kits, exercise books etc. DO IT!!!

MarginalGain · 31/03/2020 12:20

Sorry but I don't understand how you allowed this to happen.

Do you normally look after them a lot?

MarginalGain · 31/03/2020 12:21

Is the ex actually working?

Jaxhog · 31/03/2020 12:25

I suspect it isn't the fact of looking after them that bothers you, but the assumption that you will. Which is very unreasonable. I think you need to tell them that.

StoorieHoose · 31/03/2020 12:29

Let them sit on their tablets all day. Feed them sugar 3 hours before the ex is due to pick them up. If she complains then you have the reason to stop doing it

Jimmers · 31/03/2020 12:38

@MarginalGain I was going to ask the very same question. If she’s not a key worker is she definitely going to work?

iamkahleesi · 31/03/2020 12:44

I certainly wouldn't be working to a schedule someone else imposed. Just tell them they can do the school work when they're not working, there's no reason it has to be done during school hours. How old are they?

TW2013 · 31/03/2020 12:45

I would say that I would be willing to oversee them but the parents need to take care of the schooling as you have your own studies to do. If they want childcare that is one thing but you will not be enforcing a schedule.