Urgh think I have offended my dad

[MadameBee]

Sister lives abroad in Germany where it does not seem to be customary to thank people for gifts and we all send stuff at birthdays and Xmas and never ever get any thanks which upsets my parents (in their 80s and used to make my sister and I write thankyou letters) and me to a certain degree, it costs nothing.

My dad has sent my sister pointed messages over the years about this, and I get that it hurts him and yes I think it’s rude.

My kids have always said thanks to everyone for gifts.

DS 18th last Monday and my mum and dad transferred a larger than usual cash gift which was very generous of them, I reminded DS to thank them. Obviously it’s a weird birthday where he couldn’t do anything, he isn’t sure what is happening with his a levels and he has lost his job.

His phone has stopped charging and he ordered a computer with the money he got from us all which Curry’s fucked yo and didn’t deliver. Today I managed to get him on my iPad (1) to communicate with his girlfriend.

This eve I get a message from my dad “ Surprised that we haven't heard anything from DS about his 18th birthday present. Sad.”

Which obviously I feel shit about and immediately berated DS for and we have both messaged apologising but heard nothing back - it’s not like we have form for this and tbh - it’s been a shit week?

Aargh should I do more?

Surely someone else had a phone he could use to call him to thank him for the birthday money?

Did they not speak on the phone on his birthday?

Yes - he just forgot, for the first time ever, in a weird week.

I didn’t realise he hadn’t until today.

No sorry - my dad is deaf, can’t speak on the phone.

I know it’s off, him not saying thank you, but seriously, the kid has had a truly shite week.

I find insistence to be thanked bit odd. (Not from UK). Especially at these times. Don't take me wrong, it's polite to say thanks, but it can easily wait till they see each other next time.

Hmm. He sent a large sum of money and didn't hear anything in return to say thanks? I know you should give because you want to, not for recognition, but I would probably be upset by this. Knowing me I would drop it in as a joke however. I'm sure you can work it out. You're family after all!

What your sister does/doesn't do is hardly relevant.

I appreciate the hassles with laptop, phone - but not beyond impossible to make a call from landline / another family members' phone/email from a laptop without waiting a week to say thank you. He is an adult, so shouldn't need a reminder from you.
With lockdown, it's unlikely that he's not had time.

Maybe a phone call and apology rather than a text shows a bit more interest/concern?

I totally think you should say thanks - but he forgot.

I don’t mind him reminding me either - it was the way he did it.

Which reminds me that there must be a thread about me because I never send Thank you cards after my wedding because I simply never heard about them😂
We tell guests "thank you for coming" at the wedding and that's it.

YANBU @MadameBee

I HATE it when someone buys something/gives something/does something, and then makes the person feel like shit if they are not up their arse, or on their knees grovelling with gratitude. Sometimes people forget or are busy doing other stuff and don't MEAN to forget.

I question why some people do certain things when they try and make someone feel like shit, for not showering them with thanks and praise for their amazing gift! (Or whatever!)

Yeah it's OK to feel annoyed if someone forgets to acknowledge or thank you for something. It is NOT OK to make someone feel like shit because of it!

He can’t phone as my dad is deaf.

Sorry forgot to mention in my OP.

sorry, cross posted with your info that father is deaf.
Videocall/letter or thank you card?

My kids have done that, and I think it's unacceptable.

But you've apologised, and more importantly, so has he. I'd say nobody should be making excuses though.

The uproar and offence at not being thanked is tying you all up in knots honestly what a week your dad was a bit arsey wasn't he ?

My sister is relevant as we all get pissed off that she never even lets us know it’s arrived.

It is unacceptable for an 18 year old to need to be reminded to say thanks. It should be instinctive by that age. I bet he remembers to thank his friends and girlfriends for things.

It is instinctive - he’s had a fucking terrible week.

He didn’t see his friends or his girlfriend on his 18th did he?

You haven't offended your dad; your son has offended his grandfather. He's 18: step away from between them and let DS handle it himself now.

A lot of people have had terrible weeks OP. I’ve had relatives die two days ago and I can’t attend their funeral. It’s no excuse for not saying thank you though. Why should you have to remind your son to say thank you? At 18 shouldn’t he know that? I think yabu - very rude of him
Not to. You seem to want to make excuses for him.

I know - they all text me and ask me what they want for birthdays and Xmas (my eldest two have left home). I politely ask them to text and ask

DS is usually very polite and kind and considerate, he’s just had a hard time.

I could have done with a joking reminder, not the guilt fest off my dad.

To smooth it over quickly I would geton moon pig or somewhere like that and order a personalised thank you card to be delivered to grandad asap just to keep the bolt in the nick! for the 5ver it will cost it will probably go a long way to appease your dad!

I get that it's been a tough week x I find it difficult to believe that your son has gone all week without being thankful for at least something, in which case it can't really be used as an excuse not to get in touch with grandparents and thank them

Your dad just doesn’t see the funny side of it to send a ‘jokey reminder’.