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Original poster

Urgh think I have offended my dad

128 replies

MadameBee · 30/03/2020 23:13

Sister lives abroad in Germany where it does not seem to be customary to thank people for gifts and we all send stuff at birthdays and Xmas and never ever get any thanks which upsets my parents (in their 80s and used to make my sister and I write thankyou letters) and me to a certain degree, it costs nothing.

My dad has sent my sister pointed messages over the years about this, and I get that it hurts him and yes I think it’s rude.

My kids have always said thanks to everyone for gifts.

DS 18th last Monday and my mum and dad transferred a larger than usual cash gift which was very generous of them, I reminded DS to thank them. Obviously it’s a weird birthday where he couldn’t do anything, he isn’t sure what is happening with his a levels and he has lost his job.

His phone has stopped charging and he ordered a computer with the money he got from us all which Curry’s fucked yo and didn’t deliver. Today I managed to get him on my iPad (1) to communicate with his girlfriend.

This eve I get a message from my dad “ Surprised that we haven't heard anything from DS about his 18th birthday present. Sad.”

Which obviously I feel shit about and immediately berated DS for and we have both messaged apologising but heard nothing back - it’s not like we have form for this and tbh - it’s been a shit week?

Aargh should I do more?

OP posts:
willowflower19 · 31/03/2020 09:33

Ah, I wouldn't be too worried about this if I were you.
You say it's out of character for your DS and honestly, I think the impact of losing a job and his A Level exams being cancelled must be quite significant.

I think that for people who are older and possibly don't have as much going on, things like this can seem like a bigger deal. You've apologised now- just ask your DS to apologise and then move on. It really doesn't warrant anything else.

Dyrne · 31/03/2020 09:33

My dad didn’t pull my DS up did he? He pulled ME up.

But by your own admission your sons phone was broken so they couldn’t message him?

I’ll ask again: why are you so determined to make your dad the bad guy in this when the reality is that no one is? Son forgot, Dad got a bit tetchy, end of story.

GnomeDePlume · 31/03/2020 09:35

It is unfortunate that DS forgot

I would guess that DF is lashing out at you a bit as he knows that he can and that you wont cut him off.

My DM used to do that when she was angry with my brother. She admitted that it was because she knew that we wouldnt withdraw from her where she was worried my brother would.

Soontobe60 · 31/03/2020 09:35

If I were your DF, and had sent money to my grandson who didn't bother to acknowledge the gift, I would be very upset. It would send the message that the grandson doesn't give a damn about me.
OP, your parents and self isolating I assume, they are elderly so at greater risk of CV, they may not even get to see their children or grandchildren for a long time,if ever again. And your DS couldn't be bothered to ping off a message or email to thank them for the gift? That would have taken all of 2 minutes to do. I hope he's sent him a lengthy message now thanking him for the gift.

FrancisCrawford · 31/03/2020 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Genevieva · 31/03/2020 09:45

Get your son to write a letter and post it. It is always much nicer receiving something in the post.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2020 09:53

I agree with send a nice card - and thank yous to everyone, who contributed. Everyone is wound up for different reasons. Really this is a non issue.

Your sister is rude not to send thank yous. Saying she’s taken on Germanic ways is a red herring. My sibling sends none. They’re as English as it comes....

Serin · 31/03/2020 09:53

Your son is rude.
Mine have done this occassionally and I find it disappointing.
Hopefully he will learn from this and treat his grandfather with more respect.
Good on your Dsd for pulling him up on it.

Eckhart · 31/03/2020 09:54

Am I right in thinking that your dad sent you

'Surprised that we haven't heard anything from DS about his 18th birthday present. Sad.'

And you're calling this a 'guilt fest' and saying you've been 'pulled up' about it? What's wrong with responding with 'Yes, I'm surprised too, although he's had a terrible week, he's pretty sad himself, I'm sure he'll be in touch soon...' etc?

JemimaPuddleCat · 31/03/2020 09:58

Is your mum deaf too? Could your son not have called her?

tara66 · 31/03/2020 10:04

Agree with PP people in Germany do say ''thank you'' to getting presents.
Really who doesn't - seems churlish indeed - unless there is psychological problem associated with doing so (as with PP)? Or perhaps gifts are hated and they want them stopped!
As PPs said - DS took time to spend the money but did it pass through his head to say ''thank you''? Did he remind you to say ''thank you''?
People don't even know if gift arrived if no ''thank you''. One feels inclined not to give again - this sort of think can affect Wills. Your DF is communicating his feeling to YOU as his DD and mother of your DS. He thinks you are responsible. But you don't like that.

LettyBriggs · 31/03/2020 10:07

Not RTFT but my MIL is like this also. I agree it's a bit rude not to thank someone. But, I never give anyone a gift with the expectation of gratefulness/thanks. It's not conditional on thanks.
I'm from a country where it isn't really a big deal, you drop a quick text or mention it the next time you have a phone call but with my MIL where possible, we make sure the DC write a bloody thank you card every single time.
But I can see why other people, especially in the UK place so much importance on this, so tend to me much more mindful about following up in writing when any gifts are received from UK based friends and family.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 31/03/2020 10:23

Why couldn't he call his grandfather on your phone or another phone and say thank you?

If he can message his girlfriend on iPad, why can't he send a quick message to grandfather?

You make your sister sound unappreciative but so is your son, he was happy to take the money but couldn't say thank you...you can't say he had no opportunity as he could have used a landline or another mobile in household, or used the iPad...

I can understand his grandfather being upset...

Get your son to pologise to his grandfather and then all to your son about having manners especially when someone gives you money or a gift for a birthday (it's polite to thank them)

timeisnotaline · 31/03/2020 10:29

Your son had a rough week, your dad is probably having a pretty rough week too and a thank you would have been something nice in it he was looking forward to, I’m guessing you had a rough week too for being so fired up about it (& all about how your son is doing it tough but no acknowledgement of your dad) just recognise this and move on. Apologise to your dad, get son to send him a moonpig, and remind you and son that lots of people are finding it tough right now.

ddl1 · 31/03/2020 12:45

I think everyone is stressed at the moment. Your dad is isolated both by the CV restrictions AND his deafness, and probably is more dependent on communications from outside, such as thank-you letters. I don't know your dad and how he communicates in general, but his message sounds perhaps a little bit 'naggy' but not a guiltfest: he didn't say 'How can your son be so ungrateful, after all I've done for him?' or similar guilt-merchandise. If he is truly giving you and your son the silent treatment, this is unfair; but are you sure that he isn't just finding it more difficult to communicate given the restrictions and his deafness? Your son should write a letter of both thanks and apology, if he hasn't done so already. And I hope things start looking up for your son.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/03/2020 12:48

Everyone is really stressed at the moment

Your dad didn’t do anything wrong

Son messages to say thank you and sorry

All forgotten

Theresnobslikeshowb · 31/03/2020 12:54

I think he can be forgiven this once. I have one just finishing the second year of uni, not knowing what’s happening with exams or his job, and one in year 10 who’s getting to grips with on line learning whilst worrying about what happens to the 6 GCSE exams he was supposed to sit in May and June.

The kids feel so much up in the air at the moment, and IMHO I think many are also worrying about parents jobs and job security etc. Let’s cut them a little slack. Message your dad and apologise and explain everything that’s happened, say it wasn’t intentional, he’s just a little lost at the moment.

DappledThings · 31/03/2020 13:17

If your DS does send a thank you card, will you DPs then feel the need to send a thank you for the thank you? And then you send a thank you for the thank you, and so on ad infinitum...

Well no, because it's completely normal to send thank you cards for presents. Everyone I know does it and I'm pretty sure in the years and years and years this has been traditional nobody has ever misunderstood a thank you card and sent a card in response.

NorthernSpirit · 31/03/2020 13:35

Your son got a present and didn’t say thank you.

The excuses of no PC or phone charger are just excuses.

He should of said thank you.

And no - it’s not customary in Germany not to thank people for guides. The German culture is one of politeness. Your sister is being rude and thoughtless.

Your poor mum & dad. They give all these gifts and no one can even thank them. Manners cost absolutely nothing.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 31/03/2020 13:43

I agree with some PP in it's pretty unacceptable for an 18 year old man not to thank his own grandparents for a gift.

Your son should write to the grandparents, apologise and explain everything you've written here.

TitianaTitsling · 31/03/2020 13:44

dappled I was being just a little bit whimsical at the 'sending a thank you car for a thank you card'......Confused

TitianaTitsling · 31/03/2020 13:45

Thank you card that is, if he sent a car, that should warrant a card!

Macncheeseballs · 31/03/2020 14:38

'Its always nicer to get something in the post' - no it's not! I prefer a text. A handwritten note is just too much

SunshineCake · 31/03/2020 16:08

Last week I wrote to three friends who are all over 80, live alone and like hundreds of miles for me so I see them rarely. All three have phoned or written and said how much my letters have cheered them up in these difficult times. Getting post can mean so much.

cardibach · 31/03/2020 16:16

‘Something in the post’ is not really very safe for older people at the moment. Paper can hold onto the virus and who know who has touched it?
It’s less than a week. He knows the present arrived as you say the money was ‘transferred’. He must know your DS is having a difficult time as everyone is. In normal circumstances, as you say, he would have said thank you. I don’t like it when people get obsessed about thanks - often getting nearly if someone says thank you when the gift is handed over, but no card follows (I know this isn’t the case here).
Everyone is being a bit unreasonable and it’s not surprising given the circumstances. Most unreasonable of all are the ,ad posters on here announcing ‘Your son is rude’ when they don’t know him and on the basis of one incident. That’s batshit levels of unreasonableness.