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Original poster

Urgh think I have offended my dad

128 replies

MadameBee · 30/03/2020 23:13

Sister lives abroad in Germany where it does not seem to be customary to thank people for gifts and we all send stuff at birthdays and Xmas and never ever get any thanks which upsets my parents (in their 80s and used to make my sister and I write thankyou letters) and me to a certain degree, it costs nothing.

My dad has sent my sister pointed messages over the years about this, and I get that it hurts him and yes I think it’s rude.

My kids have always said thanks to everyone for gifts.

DS 18th last Monday and my mum and dad transferred a larger than usual cash gift which was very generous of them, I reminded DS to thank them. Obviously it’s a weird birthday where he couldn’t do anything, he isn’t sure what is happening with his a levels and he has lost his job.

His phone has stopped charging and he ordered a computer with the money he got from us all which Curry’s fucked yo and didn’t deliver. Today I managed to get him on my iPad (1) to communicate with his girlfriend.

This eve I get a message from my dad “ Surprised that we haven't heard anything from DS about his 18th birthday present. Sad.”

Which obviously I feel shit about and immediately berated DS for and we have both messaged apologising but heard nothing back - it’s not like we have form for this and tbh - it’s been a shit week?

Aargh should I do more?

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 31/03/2020 00:42

I think your dad isn’t being a bit arsey, what’s happening just now is something out of the ordinary. Your son hasn’t had a lot on.

Yeah your son should have messaged to say thanks but it’s a one off and he’s apologised, thats it over with. Dont do any more.

My 18 yr old took a few days to thank people for his birthday gifts and money, he Eventually thanked him, I can’t force him to do it, he’s 18 he needed to do it himself,

Rose789 · 31/03/2020 00:52

I think the fact that he ordered a computer with the money he was given and didn’t say thank you is the worst part. If it was £20 in a card and he forgot to message with all that is going on that’s still rude but understandable.
Yes your son has had an awful week, but so will your dad have too. I would message and apologise again explain what has been going on and say how upset you are that he didn’t message to say thank you as you have raised him better then that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/03/2020 00:57

Your poor DS. What a crap 18th for him.

Listen, everyone is stressed at the moment. We all revert to our most annoying characteristics when we are intensely stressed. Your DS forgot, your dad got the hump. Forgive, forgive.

Send a lovely card and forgive your dad. He was a bit annoying, but it’s understandable too.

I bet you’re holding it together for everybody. Be kind to yourself too OP.

SewItGoes · 31/03/2020 01:41

I get that your father's from a different generation and apparently quite a stickler on this issue, but it's one thing to be a bit hurt or disappointed, perhaps to not have received a thank-you by now... and quite another to send you a message the only purpose of which was to make you (and your son) feel bad.

I wouldn't bend over backwards, tbh. Have your son explain and send a belated thank-you. That should be enough! You've already apologised. If your father has nothing better to do than be offended, that's his problem.

PapayaCoconut · 31/03/2020 02:25

I think you should cut your dad some slack, OP. Imagine being older right now and knowing there's a virus going round that's killing people your age, as well as being cut off from your family at this time. And then sending a large sum of money to his grandson and hearing nothing, like he's so often experienced with his other grandchildren. I can imagine he's not in a great place right now. Your son is having a difficult time too, like many of us, but hopefully has his whole life ahead of him to celebrate birthdays, work and earn money.

Butchyrestingface · 31/03/2020 08:00

Which obviously I feel shit about and immediately berated DS for and we have both messaged apologising but heard nothing back

Maybe your father has simply forgotten to reply to your texts? Why is it okay for your 18 yo son to forget to thank his grandfather because he's had a rough week, but not okay for an 80 something year old man (probably having an equally if not more shit time) to likewise potentially forget to respond to texts?

Anyway, I agree with PP that your thread title is misleading - if anyone has offended your father, it's your son, not you.

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 08:02

The whole family sent money for a computer not just my parents - everyone sent a bit extra because it was his 18th so lovely.

TBF my mum and dad seem really ok. We live 100 miles away and don’t live in each other’s pockets, they live in a large house in the country which is pretty isolated anyway.

I will suggest to DS that he sends a card.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 31/03/2020 08:09

If your DS does send a thank you card, will you DPs then feel the need to send a thank you for the thank you? And then you send a thank you for the thank you, and so on ad infinitum....

AgentJohnson · 31/03/2020 08:11

It isn’t your responsibility to apologise to your parents or to make excuses for your son. Let him sort this himself, then again I think thank you cards are unnecessary but if you’ve bought into this nonsense then suck it up.

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 08:12

I don’t have an issue with saying thank you.

I have a issue with the guilt inducing message.

DS should have said thank you, he forgot.

OP posts:
Whoareyoudududu · 31/03/2020 08:14

Your sister is largely irrelevant to the story, she also only lives in German and presumably hasn’t actually become German herself Hmm.

I’m sure you could have text your parents yourself to thank them and explain that DS’s phone was broken.

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 08:17

She has lived there longer than she has lived here and is very Germanic Smile

I didn’t know he hadn’t said thankyou!

OP posts:
Dyrne · 31/03/2020 08:17

I agree with PP - you’re bending over backwards to make excuses for your son without extending the same courtesy to your parents.

You don’t need to make a big deal out of this - your son forgot to thank his grandparents for a substantial gift, your dad got a bit arsey. End of.

Older people are finding this situation hard too. Even if you perceive them to be independent normally they may be struggling with not being able to pop out to the shop, or neighbours being unable to pop in. They are usually less comfortable with technology as well which can heighten the feelings isolation. Perhaps they were looking forward more than usual to hearing from their grandson and that disappointment heightened what would usually be a milder “ph, we haven’t heard from DGS yet, that’s odd”.

PiggyPlumPie · 31/03/2020 08:18

Honestly? He forget, your Dad got the hump, apology sent. Move on, don't dwell. It's a strange time for everyone and I think a card will just remind your dad that he didn't get a thank you!

EggysMom · 31/03/2020 08:18

It must be a generational / age thing, my parents (70s) always give and expect 'thank you's too. But in some ways I can understand why, as it acknowledges safe receipt of the gift and that it hasn't gone awol somewhere (lost in post, mis-sent to wrong bank details).

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 08:22

My parents don’t live near any shops and don’t have any neighbours 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Russell19 · 31/03/2020 08:27

I'd get him to send a card in the post this morning. Use moonpig or similar with a more detailed message than just thank you. Must be sad for his 18th birthday but he must still say thank you.

ludothedog · 31/03/2020 08:34

I would rather not receive a present than to have such pressure to say thank you. Gift giving should be without strings.

Its polite to say thank you of course but it's only been a week fgs. The whole thing is ridiculous.

EmmetEmma · 31/03/2020 08:34

OP, I agree with you, I think your father’s message was a bit annoyingly guilt-inducing.

You are your son sound very polite and I can quite see he might be all over the place at the moment. I imagine your parents are stressed as well and would just write it off. You’ve explained it to them now and your son has thanked them.

I’m assuming they won’t hold a grudge?

BestZebbie · 31/03/2020 08:34

Or email/video call/print out a letter from the new pc saying that "this is from the new pc I bought with the money, I've just set it up today after ordering it last week"

Lllot5 · 31/03/2020 08:37

Oh he just forgot. Not the end of the world is it?
He’s apologised move on. You’re dad will get over it.

Brefugee · 31/03/2020 08:37

It's rude not to thank someone for a gift, especially now (your son isn't special, everyone is having a crap week especially older people).

But it's on him not you. What your sister does isn't relevant since her kids never than their GPs it wouldn't be out of the ordinary, your son does so it's not ordinary.

(btw: people in Germany do thank people but they're not overly formal about it. They think my habit of sending a card after we've been for dinner or a weekend is cute and terribly British)

Mittens030869 · 31/03/2020 08:37

*I find insistence to be thanked bit odd.
*
I actually find it very uncomfortable, as I grew up with gifts being something my abusive F used to control us, and make us feel obligated to him. He used to say that they really belonged to him and he could take them away from us. (He said that about our bedrooms, too, hence him justifying coming in to abuse my DSis and me).

But we should still say thank you with the gifts that we've received. So your DS has been rude, but he's apologised so you should let this one go. It's between your DS and his DGF.

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 08:38

The PC hasn’t arrived yet 🤣

OP posts:
TiredofSM · 31/03/2020 08:41

Your parents probably don’t have a lot going on right now and were probably waiting for the thank you and winding each other up when it didn’t come.
A moonpig card or similar is a good idea. Maybe you could customise one of those ‘sorry I forgot cards’ and add a sentence about a global pandemic.... or maybe not.
In your situation I’d do the grovelling. It was a generous gift. It’s not unreasonable to be pissed off when no acknowledgment is received. Chalk it up.