Urgh think I have offended my dad

[MadameBee]

Sister lives abroad in Germany where it does not seem to be customary to thank people for gifts and we all send stuff at birthdays and Xmas and never ever get any thanks which upsets my parents (in their 80s and used to make my sister and I write thankyou letters) and me to a certain degree, it costs nothing.

My dad has sent my sister pointed messages over the years about this, and I get that it hurts him and yes I think it’s rude.

My kids have always said thanks to everyone for gifts.

DS 18th last Monday and my mum and dad transferred a larger than usual cash gift which was very generous of them, I reminded DS to thank them. Obviously it’s a weird birthday where he couldn’t do anything, he isn’t sure what is happening with his a levels and he has lost his job.

His phone has stopped charging and he ordered a computer with the money he got from us all which Curry’s fucked yo and didn’t deliver. Today I managed to get him on my iPad (1) to communicate with his girlfriend.

This eve I get a message from my dad “ Surprised that we haven't heard anything from DS about his 18th birthday present. Sad.”

Which obviously I feel shit about and immediately berated DS for and we have both messaged apologising but heard nothing back - it’s not like we have form for this and tbh - it’s been a shit week?

Aargh should I do more?

No luckily no one has died

He doesn’t know what is happening with his A levels, he had a pretty crap 18th, he’s lost his job.

All in one week that’s a lot for an 18 year old.

I think it's rude but given it us a one-off and he has explained, apologised and said thank you now, I think he should be forgiven and it should be forgotten.

However, I buy my god-daughter and her brother - 19 and 17 - birthday and Christmas presents, always ask them for a list so I can choose something they will like. They don't have cheap taste. I wrap them beautifully, write a nice, chatty card and make sure they have them on time and they NEVER bother to say thank you - not even a text. They are both nice kids, good people, but it really grates on me.

Perhaps your dad is just fed up as yet another grandchild seems ungrateful. It's a difficult time for your son but it's a difficult time for your parents as well who are probably feeling a bit lonely and isolated.

We ALWAYS say thank you, always, and my parents have commented on the fact that we do.

Again - it’s really no excuse for him. This is not on you. It’s on him.

He’s apologised now and said thank you so hopefully all forgiven.

Seriously just apologise get DS to apologise and forget it. Saying thanks is very important and agree it’s not usually acceptable. However it’s just as much a virtue to forgive someone for a mistake. You and DS should write your dad another profound apology explain the week you’ve had and let him know you appreciate him - that’s all you can do. He should forgive your son and let it go

I find insistence to be thanked bit odd.

Same. A gift that comes with an obligation is no gift at all.

Your poor son what a crap week and crap 18th.

Get him to write a lovely letter to his grandad thanking him for the money and leave it at that.

These are strange times.

You are doing your best OP. Happy 18th to DS.

I don’t think saying thankyou is an obligation, it’s just good manners.

Rude of your son. And of you too. Really rude. It takes mo time to say thankyou. Phone email text card whichever way but just say thankyou.

As it was an unexpectedly large amount of money, I like pp's idea of a moonpig card to say thanks. As you say, it costs nothing to say thank you (bar the moonpig fee )

It surely sounds like it's an obligation. And immediate one.

No - it’s not rude of me.

Sally has the right answer.......card in the post asap!!
Sorry he didnt have the greatest 18th.......bet you cant wait for a time that you can celebrate properly! Happy belated 18th to youre son.

I'd send a nice little gift as Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe said
"To smooth it over quickly I would geton moon pig or somewhere like that and order a personalised thank you card to be delivered to grandad asap ..."

It's a shame that your dad is choosing to make this an issue at such a time. An 18 year old, turning 18 and not able to go out has a lot on their mind. Your dad should understand,IMHO. I'd just do the thank you for your son, probably, and as he is now an adult I'd tell him that is the last time.

Send him another text
Dd, hope you're ok, just checking you read our apology. As you know we always say thanks for gifts and are honestly grateful. It's been a very odd time for a birthday and it's been too much for him to deal with. Again, sorry your thank you was forgotten. Looking forward to seeing you as soon as poi's Le and ds can have a proper celebration.

No, don't apologise for "forgetting" the thankyou: it wasn't forgotten, it's just that the combination problems you describe made it very difficult to communicate before.

I must say, at a time like this I do think your father's priorities are a little out of kilter.

I think your dad is being ridiculous.

Your son is 18 years old, had other things going on and forgot. Big deal. No need for him to grovel.

I think there is a reason your sister doesn’t thank you parents for gifts.

I’d rather not be given a gift at all then be held to such expectations.

Some are giving you and your son a hard time. I'm glad they have managed this week unscathed but I haven't! I have put things off and been uncertain.

I've also never asked for immediate feedback on a gift at any time but obviously thanked anyone who has sent me one...I'll let them off with the GLOBAL pandemic like a normal and empathetic person.

You are not being unreasonable but as this thread has shown we have different opinions and different priorities x

Can I just gently say that OPs parents are in their 80s and their own situation is likely to be difficult and stressful at the moment. They will be self-isolating for 12 weeks, not seeing their children and grandchildren, possibly worried about their health, feeling lonely, cut-off, forgotten about. Her father is hard of hearing so communication is even more difficult for him. We are all being very sympathetic to her son but her parents mat also be having a difficult time and be feeling very vulnerable.

Is your dad cooped up at home like us all and maybe just feeling a bit down? Sometimes that can lead to frustration

Your son overlooked it because of the weirdness of the day. You parents are no doubt isolated and probably overreacting to something they are already sensitive about. You are probably worrying too much because of the same reasons. We are in scary and stressful times, it's understandable on all parts. Can you try your parents again to say your son is feeling bad because he forgot to say thanks on the day and now he hasn't heard back from them, and that you both miss them?

Send a nice card now saying thank u x

It been a strange week for all of us, it doesn’t matter about age, have you thought this might be a lot for your dad too?

I was just going to say what the last couple of posters have said. Your parents are going to be really stressed at the moment. It must be terrifying to be of the age where you know that you're so much more likely to die of this thing than others, and that actually, the doctors won't even try to save you. I'm only in my 60s, but reading that over 60s aren't likely to be given the chance to be in ICU has knocked me for six.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that just as your son's had a terrible week, so have your parents. Everyone's on edge. If they sent enough money to buy a computer, of course they'll have wanted it to be acknowledged. Your son really messed up, however bad a week he's had. If he had time to try to order the computer, he had time to text or email his grandad. After all, he presumably was online doing the order.