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AIBU?

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Original poster

Urgh think I have offended my dad

128 replies

MadameBee · 30/03/2020 23:13

Sister lives abroad in Germany where it does not seem to be customary to thank people for gifts and we all send stuff at birthdays and Xmas and never ever get any thanks which upsets my parents (in their 80s and used to make my sister and I write thankyou letters) and me to a certain degree, it costs nothing.

My dad has sent my sister pointed messages over the years about this, and I get that it hurts him and yes I think it’s rude.

My kids have always said thanks to everyone for gifts.

DS 18th last Monday and my mum and dad transferred a larger than usual cash gift which was very generous of them, I reminded DS to thank them. Obviously it’s a weird birthday where he couldn’t do anything, he isn’t sure what is happening with his a levels and he has lost his job.

His phone has stopped charging and he ordered a computer with the money he got from us all which Curry’s fucked yo and didn’t deliver. Today I managed to get him on my iPad (1) to communicate with his girlfriend.

This eve I get a message from my dad “ Surprised that we haven't heard anything from DS about his 18th birthday present. Sad.”

Which obviously I feel shit about and immediately berated DS for and we have both messaged apologising but heard nothing back - it’s not like we have form for this and tbh - it’s been a shit week?

Aargh should I do more?

OP posts:
riotlady · 31/03/2020 08:41

For all you say you’re upset about this, you seem really determined to excuse your son and blame your dad. Your son forgot, your dad was upset, neither is wildly unreasonable. Time for you all to get over it

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 08:44

I am pissed off thar my son forgot to say thank you and I am also pissed off that I got the arsey message.

It’s not been great trying to provide an 18th birthday in amongst all this, my DH is away and not sure when he will be back and I am a key worker.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 31/03/2020 08:45

*I'd get him to send a card in the post this morning. Use moonpig or similar with a more detailed message than just thank you. Must be sad for his 18th birthday but he must still say thank you.

Absolutely, at the very least! And yes I agree to say more than thanks. A nice chatty letter would go over well.
*

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 31/03/2020 08:48

Don't send a card. Mail services are super stretched. I've been waiting for my letters and package for nearly a week extra. Many people are.

Dyrne · 31/03/2020 08:49

OP you seem absolutely determined to make your dad be the bad guy in all this. Is there backstory we’re unaware of?

You son was thoughtless (though probably justified given the circumstances). You dad was a bit snippy (though again, probably justified).

No one needs to be the bad guy in this.

Macncheeseballs · 31/03/2020 08:49

Tatiana - I've always thought this. Written thank you cards are a bit wanky and over the top. A text does the job. Or don't send presents if you get so easily offended

ScatteredMama82 · 31/03/2020 09:00

I get how you're feeling OP. My MIL sends a PA email if she isn't thanked for a gift within about 24 hours of it arriving. My kids are 5 & 10, and she bombards them with stuff (despite being asked not to). She's gone so far as to call me ungrateful because of the way I worded a thank you letter. She's a nightmare.

SunshineCake · 31/03/2020 09:02

I think there is no excuse for not saying thank you for a gift never mind a big one. I know someone who was given £10000 and only sent a thank you card when told too by their parents. It costs very little and brings a lot of joy. My children are 14-19 and send a thank you card or text every time they are kindly sent money or a gift. My same generation friends are less bothered about it and yes, it isn't a nice feeling.

lightyearsahead · 31/03/2020 09:04

Just go back & say DS is very sorry a lot has been going on this week.
Get son to text.
Simple

Babymamaroon · 31/03/2020 09:05

Get a thank you card in the post this morning

Mittens030869 · 31/03/2020 09:08

Written thank you cards are a bit wanky and over the top.

No, they're not. It's just that most people send texts these days so thank you cards are becoming out of fashion.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 31/03/2020 09:08

Doesn't your son contact his grandparents just to see how they are, pass the time of day, especially now when the elderly are pretty much confined to barracks and can't socialise?

I do think it was a poor show that he didn't think to say thank you for a large gift - obviously he wasn't so stressed from his bad week that he couldn't spend the money was he? But what can he do now? The moment has passed hasn't it? Maybe he could try chatting to them on a regular basis and see how that goes?

skyblu · 31/03/2020 09:10

I get it, he’s a normal 18yr old and this past week has not been normal circumstances....BUT...sorry OP, he should still have said thank you, at some point BEFORE your Dad has the chance to pull him up on it.
You’re tying to make excuses, find justification for why he didn’t and whilst that’s all very good, I think you KNOW he could’ve/should’ve and you’re peeved that he didn’t & gave your dad the opportunity to pull you/him up on it.

In your OP you talk about your ‘parents’. By now your are talking only about your dad. Presumably your mum is not deaf as well? Your son could’ve called and talked to her instead.
Presumably email is not the ONLY means of communication you have with your parents?
Even a letter, a few lines in the post box?
Yes it’s been an awful week. How would you/your son have felt if there was no birthday card & no money as for your parents “it’s been an awful week” ??

C’mon OP, it’s annoying, I get it....but he could’ve said thank you if he’d have really wanted to.

RoisinD · 31/03/2020 09:14

Your son was able to contact Curry's to order a computer but not his grandparents to say thank you?

Mittens030869 · 31/03/2020 09:15

Your son was able to contact Curry's to order a computer but not his grandparents to say thank you?

^This Hmm

Original poster
MadameBee · 31/03/2020 09:16

My dad didn’t pull my DS up did he? He pulled ME up.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 31/03/2020 09:18

I don't think you have offended anyone.

Your son is 18. It's up to him to remember to thank people, especially his grandparents.

Kordelia · 31/03/2020 09:20

I don't care about fancy thank you cards but I do appreciate knowing if a gift has actually arrived. A text is fine. your son could presumably have used your phone, OP.

Can't say I send thank you cards for a dinner though, because I thank the host at the time. I don't know (m)any British people who do.

And yes, people in their eighties often have a rigid view of things. Guess what, many of you will be the same at the age.

FFSFFSFFS · 31/03/2020 09:21

I think your dad's message is incredibly passive aggressive and manipulative.

You give for the joy of giving - not to impose an obligation.

Is he manipulative and demanding in other areas?

raspberryk · 31/03/2020 09:22

He's 18 so should be capable of saying his own thank you's, you haven't offended your dad your ds has.
Equally you could explain to your dad that he is 18 so there's no need to go via mummy but if they hadn't realised a lot of young people are having to deal with some extraordinary circumstances and so it slipped his mind.

GrouchoMrx · 31/03/2020 09:23

Yes, it is polite to send a thank you and it is unfortunate that your DS forgot.

Your DF's Insistence on being thanked is quite controlling.

rjebgf · 31/03/2020 09:26

Just message saying sorry about that, his phone is broken, there is a card coming in the post.

villamariavintrapp · 31/03/2020 09:27

I'm not sure I get it really. Yes he should say thank you, but it's only been a week, your dad can't use the phone and you're in lockdown. What thanks was he expecting? I would expect someone to acknowledge that the money arrived, but it doesn't seem like your dad was worried about that, (his message was critical not concerned) and then I'd send a thank you card/letter when the money was spent maybe saying thank you for whatever has been bought.

goldpartyhat · 31/03/2020 09:32

I used to live in Germany, and people were uber polite there, and thanked people for presents!

Ginger1982 · 31/03/2020 09:32

I don't think not being able to see your friends and girlfriend even on your 18th makes for a 'fucking terrible week.'

But this seems a lot of fuss about nothing. Just get your son to message and say that he's really sorry, he got the money and he's very grateful. It really is just basic manners and to 'forget' is a bit of a shit excuse.