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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from DP

115 replies

Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:18

Apologies in advance if this is a little long.

Me and DP have been living together for a few months and I have 3 children with my ex aged between 18 months and 5 years, in the last few months I can count on 1 hand the things he's done to help around the house, he's washed about 3 plates and swept up a couple of times that's it, I don't expect him to help with the children as they are my responsibility but nothing gives him the right to not do anything all day, he sleeps in till nearly lunch time, he's still in bed now as I write this, he's recently lost his job due to what's happening so while he was working I have him the benefit of the doubt but since being out of a job it's still all left to me, even the financial side is on me as I'm using savings to get us all by until we can claim UC.

So on a daily basis I'm doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, tidying, sweeping, hoovering, mopping, putting rubbish out, tending to unruly children, washing, drying, ironing, putting clothes away, dusting, disinfecting everywhere, while he's doing...... You guessed it......FUCK ALL just lays on the sofa all day playing games on his phone. I seriously don't need an extra child right now, so AIBU to expect him to pull his weight 😔

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2020 10:19

No YANBU time to have a chat with him to shape up or ship out!!!

TakeMeToChachacha · 30/03/2020 10:20

How could anyone think you are being unreasonable? They won't.
He's taking the piss. How unattractive!
Also, what example does this set your children?
You can do better.

Fallsballs · 30/03/2020 10:20

Fuck the cocklodger out.
Waste of time and depriving your kids financially.

Afterhours · 30/03/2020 10:22

He contributes to the running of the household or leaves. Don’t put up with it. They might be your children but he should still be doing his bit. He sounds completely useless.

I0NA · 30/03/2020 10:24

So you feed him, do all the housework, wash his clothes and keep a roof over his head while he lies in bed.

I’m a bit worried you are dating my 15 year old son. Is he just under 6ft with short blond hair , smells of Lynx and has a PS4 controller welded to his left hand ?

AlwaysCheddar · 30/03/2020 10:28

Tell him to shape up or get out

Stefoscope · 30/03/2020 10:32

YANBU. Sorry to be blunt, but the situation is unlikely to get better, worse if anything.

puds11 · 30/03/2020 10:33

You have 4 children now I’m afraid. Get rid.

TwilightPeace · 30/03/2020 10:33

Classic cocklodger. He’s showing you exactly who he is. What you do with that information is up to you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/03/2020 10:34

How awful. I’d also tell him to start pulling his weight or it’s over.
And why not expect him to help with the children? Yes it’s not his place to discipline them or entertain them 24/7, but he should also be cleaning up after them and doing household chores like cooking meals for ALL of you including the children, doing laundry including the children’s laundry. Etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2020 10:34

Kick him out. You know he’s not going to change and it’s a terrible dynamic to model to your children.

Original poster
Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:37

I'm going to sit him down to once he gets up but I know what he's like, he gets all defensive when confronted and tries to justify everything he does wrong, is there a right time he needs to be up in a morning, we go to sleep no later than 11pm I mean last night he was sock on for 9.45 and he's still asleep now although sometimes he'll wake at half 8 but won't drag his arse downstairs until 11.30, last night he was laid in bed while I was changing my DS nappy and my youngest started crying as he'd lost his dummy, I'm up to my elbows in shitty nappies and he couldn't drag his ass out of bed and help me out by putting his dummy back in and it's not like he was asleep as we had literally just gone to bed

OP posts:
WreckTangle95 · 30/03/2020 10:39

Urgh. He's obviously landed on his feet moving in with you OP. I would seriously be considering if the relationship was worth continuing.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 30/03/2020 10:42

Hiw long were you with him before he moved in, why did he move in ..where was he living before? ...This behaviour wont be "new" ...what are you prepared to put up with?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/03/2020 10:43

If you have to tell him a time to get up and list chores he has to do, then he’s still a lazy child and I’d toss him out. You deserve a partner who sees what needs to be done and does it without you asking or dictating a list or rules and tasks like you’re his parent. It should be a partnership where you automatically back each other up.

If you start going down the must be out of bed by 9am and it’s your job to do the dishwashing and sweep the kitchen. You will end up hating yourself. You will be made to feel controlling and he will act like a hen pecked martyr and expect gratitude and praise for doing even the smallest thing.

Windyatthebeach · 30/03/2020 10:44

He needs to go back under his rock imo.
I had dc when my now dh moved in. He never sat watching me if he could do anything to help. In fact it was me who got the lie ins if I am honest!!
My teens do more than your so called partner..
They would be shown the door if they didn't..
Please put on your big girls pants and get him the fuck out today...

dontdisturbmenow · 30/03/2020 10:44

Why are you letting it happen? Go there, wake him up, say that this and that needs doing and he needs to get up now.

Very sad that you'd have to say anything to start with, but better that he actually does what you tell him to do than nothing.

Sadly, you might have realised quicker than you would have otherwise that he is not who you think he is. Good lesson for the future, don't move someone in after being together only a few months.

Afterhours · 30/03/2020 10:46

I think your attitude that he doesn’t need to do anything with/for the children is wrong. If he is living with you as a family he pulls his weight. Your children are very young. He has chosen to live with you.

Original poster
Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:47

We were together around 6 months, he was living with his grandad after splitting up with his ex, he sometimes goes on about how much he hates his ex who is also the mother of his 2 girls but then goes on about all the things he did around the house because she was too lazy to do anything. My ex was far worse and I see him heading the same way and I don't want another lazy twat, he mentioned the other day about putting the clothes away but he can't apparently because he doesn't know where they go, fucking seriously we all have our own drawers in our bedrooms it's not rocket science 🤦

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 30/03/2020 10:50

I agree afterhours. OP should expect any partner that is serious enough to live with her and her children to act like an adult member of the family and that includes child care and housekeeping. He’s not a house guest or a paying lodger.

billy1966 · 30/03/2020 10:51

OP, before you start speaking to him, ask yourself why he is living with you?

He's using you?

You are a convenience.

Exactly how little of a damn does he give about you to let you do everything as he lies in bed or on the sofa.

He thinks you are an absolute mug, he's treating you like an absolute mug and Im sorry to be harsh but you are a mug.

You have moved a complete and utter waster into your house with 3 young children.

The only person who can fix this is you.

Don't think for a second he has any plans to stick around...he'll be gone when a better bet turns up.

He has absolutely zero interest in your children......you are a stop gap thats prepared to skivvy and pay for him.....

Wishing you strength and a bit of self respect.....you deserve moreFlowers

Original poster
Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:52

I understand the whole I come as a package you take me on you take my children aswell as I've told him when his daughters start visiting there's no way I would leave them out or not look after them. I'm not used to him being at home all day if I'm honest and now he is I'm finding it hard to grasp what he should and shouldn't be doing as I'm used to doing it all when he was at work

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/03/2020 10:55

So neither of you are working, it sounds like both need a plan to bring in an income especially given the number of children that need financial support.

Travis1 · 30/03/2020 10:56

You let him move in after six months?! Wtf?! No. Get him out. Your children deserve better.

Original poster
Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:58

He was working he was self employed but with what's going on now he can't work luckily I always put money away just in case and now we are living on that until we hear from universal credit plus the kids dad pays maintenance and buys whatever they need so the children aren't going without none of us are

OP posts:
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