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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from DP

115 replies

Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:18

Apologies in advance if this is a little long.

Me and DP have been living together for a few months and I have 3 children with my ex aged between 18 months and 5 years, in the last few months I can count on 1 hand the things he's done to help around the house, he's washed about 3 plates and swept up a couple of times that's it, I don't expect him to help with the children as they are my responsibility but nothing gives him the right to not do anything all day, he sleeps in till nearly lunch time, he's still in bed now as I write this, he's recently lost his job due to what's happening so while he was working I have him the benefit of the doubt but since being out of a job it's still all left to me, even the financial side is on me as I'm using savings to get us all by until we can claim UC.

So on a daily basis I'm doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, tidying, sweeping, hoovering, mopping, putting rubbish out, tending to unruly children, washing, drying, ironing, putting clothes away, dusting, disinfecting everywhere, while he's doing...... You guessed it......FUCK ALL just lays on the sofa all day playing games on his phone. I seriously don't need an extra child right now, so AIBU to expect him to pull his weight 😔

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 30/03/2020 20:03

Better still, see and learn if a man can live independently before letting them in your house.

Even better still, you learn to live independently without a man in the house. Desperation makes for poor choices. Concentrate on your children while they’re so young. You don’t have to be in a relationship.

MinnieMountain · 31/03/2020 07:41

How did the chat go @Maidmummy

SharonasCorona · 31/03/2020 07:58

he sometimes goes on about how much he hates his ex who is also the mother of his 2 girls but then goes on about all the things he did around the house because she was too lazy to do anything.

He's up and he's just said it's hard for him to admit but in regards to washing and cleaning he can't do it as he doesn't know how to work a washer or a cooker 🤦

He’s lying OP. He did so much around the house but doesn’t know how to work a washer or a cooker?

He’s playing you for a mug or a fool. I would tell him to leave. Bag his stuff up.

Original poster
Maidmummy · 31/03/2020 08:07

I can't remember who asked about when he was at his grandad's but it was DP who did things as his grandad has dementia and he had his children every Saturday after work.

I think the chat went ok, he said he's finding it hard at the minute to adjust from working 6 days a week to not working at all, he said he'd like to help around the house and with the children but he felt like he was pushing boundaries especially with the children, he didnt know what his role was and what was expected of him. When I said "well why didn't you just ask me" his reply was "well if you wanted help why didn't you just ask me then" which I then in turn said "I should not have to ask you" , that went back and forth for a while until we both established what we expect from each other with the running of the household. In regards to him sleeping in he said he doesn't realise what time it is as he's a heavy sleeper (which I can vouch for) so he wants to set his alarm to get up at an appropriate time in a morning.

I'm in no way defending him but I think somewhere along the lines it was a case of miscommunication. When he was working he was on a good wage and great at financially contributing but with what's going on at the moment it's impossible for him to contribute as the last of his money ran out last week but luckily universal credit may be able to help for the mean time.

And please believe me when I say my children are not going without anything me and their father make sure they have everything they want and need.

OP posts:
silentpool · 31/03/2020 08:08

You are in the honeymoon period. ÃŒt will get even worse.

Afterhours · 31/03/2020 08:10

I still don’t understand what you are getting from the relationship.

Sushiroller · 31/03/2020 08:11

Christ almighty.

stop "talking" and just tell him to get the fuck out and start your UC Claim.

Afterhours · 31/03/2020 08:12

You’re not even getting the money now. Just a man who stays in bed or lies on the sofa. It will be interesting to see what he does today and if he pulls his weight can he sustain it.

Stressedout10 · 31/03/2020 08:12

Is he up yet?

Staypositivepeople · 31/03/2020 08:27

You have a child still in nappies ,you have split from the child’s dad ,and another useless twat has moved in
What the fuck are you doing
It is possible to be single and thrive and be happy
You don’t actually need a man
Your kids do not need him there
Get rid asap

Staypositivepeople · 31/03/2020 08:30

Ahh
Just read your update
I see
He’s not as bad as you said ,he just needed help to think of the idea of setting an alarm ,and knowing what jobs you wanted him to help with .

QuacksInTheDark · 31/03/2020 08:36

He’s full of shit and you’re just lapping it up.

Whoareyoudududu · 31/03/2020 08:38

Six months is far, far too soon to move in with someone especially when children are involved. Your youngest is still practically a baby so I’m guessing you haven’t been separated from their Dad for very long. Kids need stability, this situation isn’t providing that.

He’s a lazy sod and this is supposed to be the honeymoon period, he should be showing off right now so imagine how much worse he’ll get. Plus the drama with his ex, it’s just not worth it. Send him back to Grandad.

PoppyFleur · 31/03/2020 08:41

OP - You said in one of your earlier posts that your DP did everything around the house because his Ex was so lazy.

However his excuse to you for not helping was that he didn’t know how to use basic domestic appliances, he didn’t want to over step boundaries and you didn’t ask him to help.

I presume you asked him to sleep in all day, lie on the sofa for the remainder of the day and not seek temporary work? Because he seems to have managed this without concern for boundaries.

I am the last person to say LTB but I’m afraid this man will bring you no happiness.

I0NA · 31/03/2020 08:51

Ok so

  1. He did he housework at his grandads but has now forgotten how to use any household appliances = liar
  1. He only had his children on Saturday afternoons ( or was that Saturday and all day Sunday ) leaving his ex to have them all the rest of the time. = shit father.
  1. He then chose to move somewhere where he couldn’t have his children at all = shit father
  1. He remembered how to set an alarm to get up for work each morning but now he’s forgotten how to do that so he can’t get up anymore = liar
  1. Although he’s making no contribution of any kind to your household ( and you are single not wealthy mum ) , he thought it was your job to ask him to do things = selfish tosser

I’m glad you found him convincing Op because I don’t. How very clever of him to have persuaded you that it’s YOUR FAULT because you didn’t communicate properly with him.

I suspect that soon you will find it it’s YOUR FAULT because you didn't explain in detail how to do each job, or ask him nicely enough in the correct tone of voice, or show non enough appreciation. Or because your standards are too high.

I was the poster who asked about his grandad BTW. I was wondering if you ever visited him there ? I ask because I’m suspicious that he wasnt every living there at all, and there was an “ overlap “ between you and his ex. Which might explain why she’s so angry.

However you ever met her ? How do you know the texts come from her ?
Do you have any mutual friends / acquaintances who can verify your DPs story ?

I0NA · 31/03/2020 08:53

BTW who is looking after his grandad with dementia now your Dp has moved out ? How often does he visit his with dementia now he’s living with you ? I’d imagine its most days, since he’s now got so much time in his hands, being unemployed .

rowrowrowyaboat · 31/03/2020 08:54

Bless you, hes done a right job of pulling the wool over your eyes hasnt he? Is he really the best you can do op? Really? Is moving someone in after 6 months when you have 3 v young kids a smart move? What kind of man would want to do that i wonder 🤔

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 31/03/2020 08:55

He sounds like such a catch! How do you have him in your house let alone in your bed!? Moved in too fast, does sweet FA. He's only going to get away with what you let him.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2020 08:56

He saw you coming.

You're still prepared to put up with this?

Carry on then.

hatsandshoes · 31/03/2020 09:07

Ok OP you just carry on. Do me a favour though, when you (inevitably) come back to write a new post about your deadbeat DP make sure you've changed your username so no one advance searches you to drag this one up and say I told you so.

What a shame for your children.

SouthernComforts · 31/03/2020 09:10

Hmm I hope this is a bored wind up, and you're not actually this stupid and reckless with so many children involved..

FilthyforFirth · 31/03/2020 09:35

You are avoiding all the questions about why you moved him in after 6 months? Really unacceptable

RedPanda2 · 31/03/2020 09:38

The 'he doesn't know how to work a cooker' got me. Have fun with this clown OP. Hope he's a looker as he doesn't seem to have anything else going for him.
I do feel for your children.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2020 09:45

"goes on about all the things he did around the house because she was too lazy to do anything."

"he's just said it's hard for him to admit but in regards to washing and cleaning he can't do it as he doesn't know how to work a washer or a cooker"

Bit of a mismatch in those two statements.

I can only suggest you read I0NA's post of Tue 31-Mar-20 08:51:31, because she is spot-on. Read it, and read it again. Your 'D'P is a manipulative lazy cocklodger. Sorry to say, you'd be a fool to keep him - and you are keeping him; in food, in sex, in a roof over his head.

All that talk of contributing - he used to contribute financially, now he can't blah blah. Finance is far from the only contributions to a household. There is also time, care and emotional support (and a whole host of others). He has NEVER contributed any of these things, has he? Only money. In his head, he was buying you and your home; or maybe renting you as a better alternative to using his demented grandfather Sad. He paid over money, he got taken care of. Now he doesn't even have to do that.

Please, step back from him and look at the woods, not the trees. He is a user. You've known him for less than a year. Hi is a drain who will suck you dry (and I'm not just talking money here). Do the right thing for you andyour children, and send him back to granddad.

Fefifofaff · 31/03/2020 09:56

And definitely make sure you are doubling up on birth control. The last thing you need is another baby.