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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from DP

115 replies

Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:18

Apologies in advance if this is a little long.

Me and DP have been living together for a few months and I have 3 children with my ex aged between 18 months and 5 years, in the last few months I can count on 1 hand the things he's done to help around the house, he's washed about 3 plates and swept up a couple of times that's it, I don't expect him to help with the children as they are my responsibility but nothing gives him the right to not do anything all day, he sleeps in till nearly lunch time, he's still in bed now as I write this, he's recently lost his job due to what's happening so while he was working I have him the benefit of the doubt but since being out of a job it's still all left to me, even the financial side is on me as I'm using savings to get us all by until we can claim UC.

So on a daily basis I'm doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, tidying, sweeping, hoovering, mopping, putting rubbish out, tending to unruly children, washing, drying, ironing, putting clothes away, dusting, disinfecting everywhere, while he's doing...... You guessed it......FUCK ALL just lays on the sofa all day playing games on his phone. I seriously don't need an extra child right now, so AIBU to expect him to pull his weight 😔

OP posts:
Maduixa · 30/03/2020 11:43

If you're otherwise happy with him and want to continue the living arrangement and relationship, I'd give him ONE chance to pull his weight with clear, mutually agreed-upon expectations before you move on to more drastic measures.

I'd go back to absolute basics:

(1) Make a list of household tasks, how much time each takes per week, and how frequently each needs to be done.

(2) Sit down with him and split them up. He may have things to add to the list. You may find it makes sense for one person to always do a particular task, but you can split up the stuff you both dislike and take turn about. (This assumes you're both home all day and not working - if you're still going out to work or working from home, he can take more.)

(3) Put the list someplace where you can both refer to it. Plan to sit down again together in a week to review how well things are working. This gives you both a chance to comment if something has been missed or not done properly, and him to tell you any problems he ran into or questions he has, and to add any tasks that may have been missed.

He MAY legitimately have been hesitant to do some things without direction if he's moved into your established household. But don't let him use that as an excuse. If he doesn't know how to do something or where something goes, show him. Don't nitpick if he does something differently from how you'd do it, as long as he does it adequately. If he plays the victim when you raise the subject, saying why are you cracking down now or whatever, just tell him that especially with the current COVID-19 situation, you both need to make sure your shared household is taken care of.

RE childcare - I'd keep it separate for now, but he's agreed to be part of the household, and the children are part of the household too. He isn't their parent, but he is an adult that they should be able to count on. And as your partner, he should want to give you a break when you need it and he's able.

miccymaccy · 30/03/2020 11:51

Wow he sounds like a great role model for your kids, exactly the type of man you want in your house

Windyatthebeach · 30/03/2020 11:55

Op you are dealing with a teenager way before you need to imo...

hatsandshoes · 30/03/2020 11:55

Send him packing. He is not the prize. He was exactly like this with his ex which is why he told you she was lazy and he did everything - manipulating you into believing you had to prove you're not like her

Get rid and don't make the same mistake again. 6 months is NO WHERE NEAR long enough to be moving him in with your children. They deserve better, put them first.

ChristmasFluff · 30/03/2020 11:58

@hatsandshoes has it - it's trying to make you prove yourself to him by doing everything.

And as it turns out, you now know he's a liar as well as lazy, because if he 'did everything' and she was lazy, he'd know how to do the washing etc, wouldn't he?

QuacksInTheDark · 30/03/2020 12:04

He’s taking the piss out of you. He needs to go.

hatsandshoes · 30/03/2020 12:11

OP this is why it's SO important to spend time getting to know someone well before making the decision to love in together.

I can guess he just started staying over yours more and more til he said "well I'm more or less living here anyway, I might as well bring the rest of my stuff" (not that he has much to his name accept maybe some clothes and an Xbox)

I repeat, your kids deserve better.

Afterhours · 30/03/2020 12:14

When he said his ex was lazy, what he means is he didn’t want to do anything there either.

hatsandshoes · 30/03/2020 12:15

Forgive my typos. Men like this piss me off so much I don't proof read.

AgentJohnson · 30/03/2020 12:23

Oh FFS! You let him move in too quickly, he needs to go and he needs to go now.

Herpesfreesince03 · 30/03/2020 12:27

Has he got his arse in gear op?

LannieDuck · 30/03/2020 12:29

Would love to hear his answer to "So when you said you did 'everything' when you lived with your ex... which chores did that include?"

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 12:51

Why did you move someone in after six months? Did you not think about the kids in this?

goes on about all the things he did around the house because she was too lazy to do anything.

he can't do it as he doesn't know how to work a washer or a cooker

The two don’t follow.

lunar1 · 30/03/2020 12:59

I wouldn't allow my children to go to a random woman's house who had been in the picture for such little time either. I've no idea why you have a practical stranger dossing in your home where your children should be safe.

Move him back out immediately and protect your family.

billy1966 · 30/03/2020 13:20

Yes, he couldn't putty a soother back in a baby's mouth either OP.

Your poor children....money that they may need being spent on this waster....

Your poor children....

YouTheCat · 30/03/2020 13:29

If his ex was so lazy and did nothing how come he doesn't know how to cook or use a washer? Seems like you've been fed a crock of shit.

sammylady37 · 30/03/2020 13:32

Ffs. Why did you move a man you’d only known 6 months in to live with you and your 3 children, all of whom are under 5?

You need to step up and be an appropriate parent here. Protect your children instead of exposing them to virtual strangers who will use financial resources that should be used on the children. Who knows what else he’s capable of?

I0NA · 30/03/2020 14:23

Tell me something OP - when you met him and he was living with his grandad, did you ever visit him or stay over with him ?

Who did the housework then ? Did his grandad have to do it all for him?

And did his kids stay with him EOW at his grandads ?

magoria · 30/03/2020 14:30

Oh FFS not the can't use a dishwasher/washing machine excuse. Why do men try this crap!

I am sure he can plug in an xbox/pc/amp etc.

Can he not just turn his wrist, turn on a tap and wash stuff.

Butterymuffin · 30/03/2020 14:32

If he can't work a washer or cooker, who did that when he was at his grandad's? Did he allow his grandad to do his washing and cook for him? If so you really have a problem.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/03/2020 14:46

sounds as if you've acquired an additional teenager.

Don't negotiate about what tasks he should do - tell him to move out, and be more circumspect around 'moving in' in future relationships.
(Assuming that this one doesn;t survive when he gets a dose of reality)

HillAreas · 30/03/2020 14:48

Oh ffs he’s actively draining time, money, food and resources away from your children. His sole contribution to the household is more work and more mess. He cannot get defensive about this. There is no defence. Chuck him out with the rest of the rubbish Angry

dontdisturbmenow · 30/03/2020 14:58

So he lied to you that he wasn't with her anymore. In all likelihood he was, hence her reaction. Just as he lied to you making you believe he was a great catch. You are now realising he is just a lazy waste of space.

She wants him back, you don't want a waster, it's perfect, she can have him back. Much easier than trying to change him and believe that he will suddenly act responsible and do his bit around the house. If he doesn't do it after months after moving in, don't think for a second he will suddenly do so and continue to endlessly. It never happens.

QueenArseClangers · 30/03/2020 15:12

He’s stealing from your children.

He’s stealing money as you’re supporting him whilst he does fuck all.

He’s stealing your time from them because you’re having to wipe his arse.

He’s stealing your happy times from them because he’s a cocklodging twat who is wearing you down emotionally, financially and physically.

How much more time playing/having a nice time with your DC would you have if you didn’t have to do all the shitwork he’s creating?

How much less stress would you have if you didn’t have to pay for this useless piece of shit? How much more financial security would you have and treats money to spend on your DC and yourself?

Why are you letting him steal from your children?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 30/03/2020 18:58

Send him back to grandad. Better still, see and learn if a man can live independently before letting them in your house. He is not good enough for you OP and the longer hes in, the harder it will be. Hes a man child, not a man. You shoukdnt have let him in after 6 months but I guess you know that ... hope you can get your house back.

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