Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from DP

115 replies

Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 10:18

Apologies in advance if this is a little long.

Me and DP have been living together for a few months and I have 3 children with my ex aged between 18 months and 5 years, in the last few months I can count on 1 hand the things he's done to help around the house, he's washed about 3 plates and swept up a couple of times that's it, I don't expect him to help with the children as they are my responsibility but nothing gives him the right to not do anything all day, he sleeps in till nearly lunch time, he's still in bed now as I write this, he's recently lost his job due to what's happening so while he was working I have him the benefit of the doubt but since being out of a job it's still all left to me, even the financial side is on me as I'm using savings to get us all by until we can claim UC.

So on a daily basis I'm doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, tidying, sweeping, hoovering, mopping, putting rubbish out, tending to unruly children, washing, drying, ironing, putting clothes away, dusting, disinfecting everywhere, while he's doing...... You guessed it......FUCK ALL just lays on the sofa all day playing games on his phone. I seriously don't need an extra child right now, so AIBU to expect him to pull his weight 😔

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 30/03/2020 10:59

Agree with the others - he pulls his own weight, or he moves out. That means at the very least doing 1 in 3 (?) meals for the whole family, washing-up after 1 in 3 (?) meals, pushing a vacuum around once a week, putting the bins out once a week, sorting his own laundry and whatever else you think appropriate.

...and that's a really, really low bar for someone who supposedly loves you and your children enough to move in with you. It's basically a glorified lodger.

Personally, I would expect anyone who wanted to live with me and my kids to be a proper integrated member of the family. Which would mean splitting all chores and pitching in with childcare as well.

NorthEndGal · 30/03/2020 11:00

Put him out, and stop letting basic strangers move in when you have children. He is not a great dad, he is not a great provider, he clearly doesn't like women, and you have little ones!
Please, put him out, and in future, take your time

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/03/2020 11:00

We were together around 6 months, he was living with his grandad after splitting up with his ex,

Ah, well there you have it. He needed a replacement cosy billet with sex on tap. You could have been anyone OP. You fitted the bill. Though why on earth you let him move in after ‘knowing’ him for only six months is beyond me. Especially as you have very young children. Learn that you can live without a man. Your youngest was only one when you moved him in for heaven’s sake. Do yourself and your children a favour and chuck him out. He’s adding absolutely nothing to your life and isn’t ever likely to.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2020 11:04

Has he ever lived on his own or has he always found people to put him up? He sounds pretty awful, your life would be a lot easier without him dragging you down.

Original poster
Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 11:12

I don't think he's ever lived on his own he's 30 and was with his ex for 11 years, I've never been scared of being on my own I actually love being on my own sometimes, well he had the shock of his life when I stormed into the bedroom and let rip on him although i will admit it felt really strange it reminded me of when I was a teenager and my mum used to come storming in my room trying to drag me out bed for school 😔

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 30/03/2020 11:14

Has he not seen his girls for the last 6 months or does he see her elsewhere, and if so, why?

How did the discussion about moving in together come about? Did you not discuss share of roles in that discussion? Same as discussing finances?

Thesnacklady · 30/03/2020 11:14

Don’t always trust what a man might say about his ex. Sounds like a bit of a lie in this case. Either that or he believes if he does anything at all it means he is doing too much.

Have you ever spoken to his ex? Might be worth hearing her side of things.

I would flat out tell him to move back in with his grandparents they can look after him.

Olawisk · 30/03/2020 11:15

Why have you let a man you hardly know move in with your kids ? No wonder your having problems.

6 months is nothing.

TemoraryUsername · 30/03/2020 11:15

Cocklodger checklist;

Biscuit Doesn't do anything at home
Biscuit Lost job, still doesn't do anything
Biscuit Blind to the obvious tasks that blatantly need doing
Biscuit isn't proactively seeking work (there is a lot of it about at the moment in supermarkets, on farms fruit picking or as a carer)
Biscuit Has perfected being arsey when challenged about his behaviour so as to train you not to
Biscuit moved from ex to living with family to you within 6 months

That's a whole packet of hobnobs and a cuppa tea Brew

CallmeAngelina · 30/03/2020 11:17

Whilst I absolutely think you need to have a serious word, I'm not sure that "storming into the bedroom and letting rip on him" is going to get you what you want.

morriseysquif · 30/03/2020 11:19

You moved a man in after 6 months?
He's done a line on you.

cansu · 30/03/2020 11:20

How is your life better than when he didn't live with you?

Original poster
Maidmummy · 30/03/2020 11:24

He was seeing his kids until his ex found out about me and stopped contact, she sent him a text which I have read saying if he doesn't get back with her then he's not seeing the kids, he was doing mediation until we got put in lockdown but it's a stalemate as she wants him back he doesnt want to go back and she's scared her kids will have a better time with him and me than her (her words by the way). Trust me I believe what he says about her I know I shouldn't say it but she's a complete bitch she's reported me to everywhere she can report me, she refers to me as HER and that DP needs to and I quote "remove his head from up my fanny" disgusting vile woman. He's up and he's just said it's hard for him to admit but in regards to washing and cleaning he can't do it as he doesn't know how to work a washer or a cooker 🤦 well why not ask me it's simple.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2020 11:28

Tell him practice makes perfect and there is this thing called google.

doodleygirl · 30/03/2020 11:29

Why the fuck would you move a man after 6 months, that is just utter stupidity especially as you have such young kids.

I dont really have much sympathy for you. Use your brains and tell him to go.

CurryGoat · 30/03/2020 11:30

You have been and will be manipulated. He described his ex as lazy to indirectly guilt you into doing all the housework, etc. Guess what? It has worked. You are now questioning yourself.

Next he will probably accuse you of using the wrong tone of voice and make himself the victim. OP, it's not worth it.

Poptart4 · 30/03/2020 11:31

3 kids under 5 and you moved a man in after just 6 months. Jesus op, you need to give your head a shake!

snugs69 · 30/03/2020 11:31

Doesn't know how to use a washer or cooker but says he did everything when he lived with his ex Hmm

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 30/03/2020 11:33

I’d send him back to her! He’s no loss to
You honestly.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2020 11:34

6 months was way too soon to move him into your house.
I'm struggling to believe he did everything with his Ex and doesn't actually how to wash, clean or use a cooker.

She was obviously doing all these things when they were together.

I can't for the life of me understand why she wants him back.

NorthEndGal · 30/03/2020 11:34

Yeah, how did he do all of it before?
It's a heap of bull shit

TemoraryUsername · 30/03/2020 11:38

Doesn't know how to use a washer or cooker but says he did everything when he lived with his ex
Hmm

This.

He's a professional C.O.C.K.L.O.D.G.E.R.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2020 11:40

So you moved him in with your children after 6 months.

And he'd rather stay with you that see his own children? (I'm not saying his ex is right btw)

And he does nothing and contributes nothing?

You need to raise your bar. Kick him out. And don't be so hasty to move someone in, in the future.

CallmeAngelina · 30/03/2020 11:41

Funny the number of men who claim they "can't" operate a washing machine or dishwasher, yet what proportion of manufacturers and appliance engineers are male?

Windyatthebeach · 30/03/2020 11:42

Send him packing back to his ex while someone actually still wants him!!