To expect more from DP

[Maidmummy]

Apologies in advance if this is a little long.

Me and DP have been living together for a few months and I have 3 children with my ex aged between 18 months and 5 years, in the last few months I can count on 1 hand the things he's done to help around the house, he's washed about 3 plates and swept up a couple of times that's it, I don't expect him to help with the children as they are my responsibility but nothing gives him the right to not do anything all day, he sleeps in till nearly lunch time, he's still in bed now as I write this, he's recently lost his job due to what's happening so while he was working I have him the benefit of the doubt but since being out of a job it's still all left to me, even the financial side is on me as I'm using savings to get us all by until we can claim UC.

So on a daily basis I'm doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, tidying, sweeping, hoovering, mopping, putting rubbish out, tending to unruly children, washing, drying, ironing, putting clothes away, dusting, disinfecting everywhere, while he's doing...... You guessed it......FUCK ALL just lays on the sofa all day playing games on his phone. I seriously don't need an extra child right now, so AIBU to expect him to pull his weight 😔

OP you sound like me from a year ago. I posted on here for advice a couple of times and got the same response from everyone. It hurt to read the replies but I have to say - they were right.
I was the only one who could change things, as I now realise anyone who behaves like this is never going to change for me - if they truly cared they would never have acted like this in the first place.
It took months to move him out I had to get the police involved and even after that months passed before he took his belongings, we had to organise all of that for him too.
Looking back, I can't believe I stood for it. I was a slave, constantly putting him up and driving myself to exhaustion doing all of the household chores as well as financing the whole show.
I've since learned that

1. I can cope on my own. I can actually flourish on my own.
2. There are people out there who are so happy to help that you often don't even need to ask for it. They just function as an adult and see the jobs as jobs both people can do.

Please be brave and end this as it won't get any better. I wasted the best past of 6 years trying to fix things. He can't be fixed.

OP, you know your partner better than anyone else and ultimately noone can say what kind of person he is, but this situation has to be an eye opening. He's agreed to up his game and you've agreed what he can do. There are no more excuses, so see how it goes and more importantly whether he can sustain any efforts.

In any account, you are kind of stuck together for the next few months, so might as well try to make it work. You should know at the end of it where you stand and whether gratefully yours his game and he is the hardworking dedicated guy he claims to be.

Be brave op.

You were wrong to move him in to your children’s home.
He isnt the person he pretended to be.
He needs to be given instructions on how to be an adult.
He is taking focus away from your children.

I would never date an adult who did not have their own home, either rented or mortgaged. If they are living with family or friends they are homeless. Set your sights higher than homeless. It means they are not a good bet for your children’s future.

No man falls in love faster than one who needs a place to live.

It’s beyond depressing to see so many women with no self esteem and a bar as low as it can get. They’ll tolerate anything short of being hit by a car, just for the sake sake of having some cock. Appalling.

Yet another useless man who's moved in too quickly - though probably not quickly enough for his liking.

OP, you have a cocklodger. The longer he stays the more trouble you'll have getting rid of him.

Sadly OP he is the classic cocklodger.
They usually move in with single mums because they know they are going to be an easy conquest.
They don't like kids particularly but single mums generally get more benefits and have to tidy, cook and clean for their children already so they expect to be looked after to.
I have seen so many of these on mumsnet, over and over. When I was a single mum there was always one of these hovering, trying to move in but I had more self respect than to let them.
He is taking the piss and when you chuck him out he'll be on to the next single mum.
Get rid now. He will never act like a grown man, he is just there to sponge and have an easy life.

I won't go out with anyone who:
Doesn't have a full time job.
Doesn't have their own home.
Can't operate all the appliances in their home and knows how to use them.
Has lived alone for a good long time and is not living in a pig sty.
That I haven't been dating for at least two years.
And even then once they've moved in I expect the rent from his house to fund our lifestyle together.

Well I’m glad you and he have sorted out your justifications

I’d put money on you coming back with a practically identical post in a year, except this time you’ll also be pregnant or have had a baby.

Suggest he starts by writing up a list of all the chores in the house and suggesting which he'll do.

For me, I would give him one chance (and one chance only) - now you've been clear that you do actually want him to do some chores around the house (such a pathetic excuse), he gets one chance to start acting like an adult. Or he's gone.

Incidentally, I assume he does actually know how to use a cooker and washing machine, and was lying to you? I would press him on that point - to me, dishonesty is a red line in a relationship.

He must have a cock of pure solid gold and be the world's Grand Cunnilingus Master.

I can only imagine how these children remember their childhoods......a series of different stranger's moved in after a couple of months.

Constant stream of men they don't know from adam, being imposed on them, and their little lives. No control at all...

Its an absolute horror show.

OP, he's taking you for a very dim woman believing that tale

This poster will definitely be back pregnant in the not to distant future...

He’s not as bad as you said ,he just needed help to think of the idea of setting an alarm ,and knowing what jobs you wanted him to help with He's an adult, no? How many people posting on this thread needed "help" to come up with the oh so out of the box idea to set a bloody alarm? And who needs their partner to tell them which jobs to help with? It isn't him helping her, it's him contributing to the running of the house in which he lives.

OP I urge you to please get rid of him. He's shown he's a liar and is trying to blame you for him being lazy. And please think of how this may be affecting your children. From a safeguarding perspective it's dangerous.

There is no one more in love than a bloke that needs a home

Get rid and put your kids first. A decent parent doesn't move a new bloke in after 6 months ffs.

So desperate for A Man in your life you'll put up with any old wanker, beggar your kids spending savings on keeping him in your life, moved him in after 5 minutes. There will be no additional money for your 3rd child on UC as it is as he/she was born after 1 April 2017 and if you get pregnant again no additional money for that so at the least hopefully you're using good contraception.