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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I sound like a horrible person I know but AIBU?

64 replies

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 11:26

My grandparents are in isolation for 12 weeks due to age and underlying issues.

They have 4 children, including my parent. I have an aunt and an uncle that don't work (mid 30s-40s). My parent is self isolating after developing symptoms.

I keep getting messages off my parent asking me to go to shop for X Y Z for my grandparents. I last went a few days ago and have had another messages asking me to go again for more things and drop them off.

AIBU to be getting a bit irritated now? I've got a full time job that I'm still having to do and a young family at home. I just managed to get a shop in for us yesterday and now I'm having to go back to do another shop for my grandparents when they have multiple children who are capable of doing it, two of which have no job and live close by.

I feel horrible because its a stressful time for my grandparents I understand that and I want to help but it's starting to bug me that I, as their grandchild, seem to be doing more than their actual children.

I also can't afford to keep buying additional food and petrol

OP posts:

Abraid2 · 28/03/2020 11:27

Tell them you’re resting because you’re exhausted and don’t want to get ill. They’re being awful.

Purpletigers · 28/03/2020 11:28

Do you have their phone numbers ? Phone them and tell them what their parents need . Arseholes will continue to be arseholes when good people like you and your parents do all the work .

allaboardthesinkingship · 28/03/2020 11:29

My mums in the same boat- my grandparents keep asking for stuff like an orange then some mushrooms etc but never together just when they fancy something on a whim. She's had to tell them now that she can't because we shouldn't be going to the shop multiple times- they got very annoyed with her which isn't fair

billy1966 · 28/03/2020 11:31

OP, pass it on to their children..People will make idiots out of you if you allow them. Forward it on to their children and tell them its their turn now.

SpoonfulofDragon · 28/03/2020 11:31

Same issue in our family. All grandparents are now on a weekly list and we are adding extras in for them to ensure they have some surprises, things they may fancy, and a bit of variety.

They are now rotating around the children (parents, aunts and uncles) as well to minimise their time out of the house.

Nodancingshoes · 28/03/2020 11:34

There's always one child who does the most for their parents - this is obviously your parent and now it's fallen to you. Send a group message to the other siblings telling them what their parents need. If you don't, it will always be you from now on. Xx

dudsville · 28/03/2020 11:37

Just because other people in the family can, doesn't mean they will. I'd speak with them directly. Arrange for them to build up to a weekly shopping list. let them know that this is something you're happy to do (if that's true) but that it's limited to this.

foamrolling · 28/03/2020 11:40

I'd be taking over the organisation of this. Can you get everyone on a what's app and organise a rota? Speak to your grandparents so you can get their food and medicines organised. Really this should only need one shopping trip a week and if you rotate that between you it shouldn't be too onerous.

SuburbanFraggle · 28/03/2020 11:42

Group WhatsApp

Grandparents + their children + you.
"At this time we all want to support each other as much as possible. Given that Jane & Bob are available, please send the shopping list to this group message for them to collect. If gran & grandad need help funding the shop it can also be discussed here."

Then nope out. They have children. Unemployed ones with nothing but time. If their own children won't help then that's too bad.

bigyellowduck · 28/03/2020 11:42

They are now rotating around the children (parents, aunts and uncles) as well to minimise their time out of the house.

And increasing the risk by getting more people leaving their home. Surely it is better to have 1 person out fro longer than 6 each for a short time. Then you only risk 1 being exposed not 6?

OP if you are already going out it is sensible for you to do it as you are already exposing yourself (they should be paying you).

IKEA888 · 28/03/2020 11:42

this is similar to me. I have said I will go once a week.
end of

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/03/2020 11:43

Are you sure your aunt and uncle are capable of doing it? When you say they don’t work I wonder if they have health conditions too?

If they are capable, why are they not helping? What about their relationship with their parents (your grandparents) is it one where they do not speak? Or do the aunt and uncle even know their parents need help? (Are you a victim of being so capable and your parents telling aunt and uncle not to worry, you’ll take care of everything?)

Only way to find out is to talk to your parents and aunt and uncle. Be honest that you can’t do it alone.

iVampire · 28/03/2020 11:43

Decide what you’d boundaries are and stick to them

I suggest you;
a) state that as ‘shield’ group they are entitled to assistance with shopping through the Government hub for the exceptionally vulnerable
b) as that might take a little while to set up, then for the next few weeks perhaps the DC need to take it in turns
c) I’ve just done this week for which covers DMum’s turn. If a shield volunteer is not sorted in 3 weeks, then it will be our turn again

EstuaryBird · 28/03/2020 11:44

You’re not a horrible person. You’re a nice person and they’re using that to take advantage of you

HuggedTheRedwoods · 28/03/2020 11:47

You dont sound like a horrible person at all, quite the opposite (I've just read a post from someone wanting lockdown to end because it doesnt matter if its a 90 year old woman dying as they'd die in couple of years anyway - now thats a horrible person!).

Use some of the good suggestions above to bring the other family members into helping now, this could go on for some weeks and you can't do it all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/03/2020 11:47

I think a family WhatsApp group is the way to go. You should have a better chance of letting your aunt and uncle know what your grandparents need and maybe shaming them into doing their bit.

lynzpynz · 28/03/2020 11:47

Are you also being expected to pay for this extra shopping as well as doing all the legwork? That's not on, especially given they have 4 kids, all who presumably don't have a young family (or in at least 1 of their cases a job) to already be running about after.

I'd be stocking up then developing a cough meaning you have to isolate for the next 14 days and letting some of your aunts and uncles take a turn. Be worth getting them all in a group chat with 'parent and now us are isolating, your parents need a hand with shopping from their children - suggest a rota, do you want to organise yourselves or I'm happy to draw one up for you?'

Wolfgirrl · 28/03/2020 11:49

@SuburbanFraggle

That is what I was going to suggest!

Family whatsapp group,

'Dear all, hope you're holding up okay. Sure you're all worried about gran and grandpa, so thought I could start this group and together we can make a sort of rota to look after them as you know we can all only go out once a day so sharing it out will mean they're regularly checked upon.'

StripyHorse · 28/03/2020 11:49

Hmmm if OP has children at home and is already having to work, if she catches the virus she is at risk of spreading it further. I don't know if her aunts / uncles have people at home but if they are already able to distance more than OP they should be doing the shopping.

But... GPs should be doing what they can to get a weekly list. I am sure it is a mind set change (shopping daily probably helps them keep busy and in contact with people so you get out of the habit of forward planning) but they need to do their best and put up with not having items on a whim.

JustMySize · 28/03/2020 11:52

Just say no and that the others, who don't work can do it. Why are you paying for the shopping anyway? they should be reimbursing you.

Stop doing it, look after yourself and your family first.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 28/03/2020 11:53

Are you in a caring role?

My mum always found that family help like that always fell to her instead of other capable members of the family and she wondered if it was because she was a nurse.

It's not nice to be taken advantage of.

Start a whatsapp group and ask when everyone can help out and make it fair.

Original poster

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 11:54

Thanks. My aunt and uncle are useless in many ways so I'm not overly surprised by their lack of help. They do know my grandparents need it but they'd never offer because they just aren't the type, they are selfish unfortunately and would be happy to let other people pick up the slack. No underlying issues so far as I am aware but as I say, I'm not surprised any way. But it does fucking annoy me!

My other aunt is lovely but she lives some time away so can't really help on the day to day level. She has tried to order a shop but there's just no slots available any time soon.

I think I'll have to keep on doing what I'm doing but I am going to say from now on I'll be doing one shop per week and no more. I'm not keeping nipping to the shop for a few bits putting my own health and that of my kids and husband at risk.

OP posts:

lynzpynz · 28/03/2020 11:55

Oh and they can easily drop off the shopping on the doorstep, wipe it all down for the grandparents who can then wipe it all down again when they've taken it inside once the shoppers have retreated to a safe distance. Zero reason you have to be the solo one doing all the shopping because you've already been doing it. There's numerous cases of fit young adults dying from this now, and every trip out is an additional exposure - why should you alone be shouldering the risk repeatedly?

Government hub is another good suggestion from pp above, might suggest this for my own parents (70s) who both have v serious respiratory issues.

Think a few supermarkets are now close to getting the gov list to offer priority delivery slots to the vulnerable?

possumgoddess · 28/03/2020 11:55

At the risk of being flamed.... And of course you may well know differently... But is there a chance that your uncle and aunt may have some health issues that make them vulnerable that you don't know about? They might not necessarily have told their whole family if they have health problems and they may not be obvious. Why don't you contact them and ask them nicely if they could do it. They may not actually have been asked and they might actually be mortified that you have been asked to do it instead of them. It's worth a try anyway.

Original poster

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 11:55

I'm not expected to pay long term but they can't reimburse me right now as they don't do online shopping and don't have the cash to give me in their house.

So whilst I'll eventually get it back, I'm paying right now and for petrol driving to them each time (about a 15 min drive).

OP posts:

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