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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I sound like a horrible person I know but AIBU?

64 replies

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 11:26

My grandparents are in isolation for 12 weeks due to age and underlying issues.

They have 4 children, including my parent. I have an aunt and an uncle that don't work (mid 30s-40s). My parent is self isolating after developing symptoms.

I keep getting messages off my parent asking me to go to shop for X Y Z for my grandparents. I last went a few days ago and have had another messages asking me to go again for more things and drop them off.

AIBU to be getting a bit irritated now? I've got a full time job that I'm still having to do and a young family at home. I just managed to get a shop in for us yesterday and now I'm having to go back to do another shop for my grandparents when they have multiple children who are capable of doing it, two of which have no job and live close by.

I feel horrible because its a stressful time for my grandparents I understand that and I want to help but it's starting to bug me that I, as their grandchild, seem to be doing more than their actual children.

I also can't afford to keep buying additional food and petrol

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleTittle · 28/03/2020 11:56

Online banking** sorry

OP posts:

Chewbecca · 28/03/2020 11:59

i’d tell them the date you’re next going and say you’ll add it to your list for then unless someone else is going sooner. No need to make a special journey.

PinkiOcelot · 28/03/2020 12:04

If it’s not essential, I wouldn’t be going. Say you’ll pick it up the next time you go shopping on Wednesday/Thursday. Or their other kids can step up and do it.

SuburbanFraggle · 28/03/2020 12:04

I think I'll have to keep on doing what I'm doing

OP you've been given lots of suggestions.

Maybe you're one of those people who enjoys complaining about how they are so hard done by but will never take steps to change.

ChotaPeg · 28/03/2020 12:12

It's fine to state your boundaries OP. That doesn't make you a horrible person. This isn't said in a patronising or judgy way. I am learning this through bitter experience over the last few years with various family issues.

2 things to think on:

It's easy for people (your aunt / uncle) to carry on being 'useless' if there's always someone else to pick up the pieces.
If you aren't available (e.g. you have to self-isolate) what will happen?

PieceOfMaria · 28/03/2020 12:13

Just tell them straight. Everyone should do their bit and take up the slack. One person who is already busy can't do everything. JUST. TELL. THEM.

Crackerofdoom · 28/03/2020 12:16

Am I right in thinking that the information is coming via your parent?

I can easily see your parent messaging them every day say " do you need anything? Little will pick it up, it's no hassle"

You need to be communicating directly with your GPs, aunt and uncle.

Friendsofmine · 28/03/2020 12:16

I think the issue is your parent needs to discuss this with their siblings and not involve you!

A family group plan between them is needed and then you can step in if needed too.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2020 12:17

While waiting for the government hub thing to kick in, ask your mum/dad to join the volunteer groups. A local volunteer would be happy to do this and there are people who don't have jobs who are happy to shop during the day.

Pentium85 · 28/03/2020 12:17

Stand your ground now before this gets worse

burntpinky · 28/03/2020 12:19

YANBU. We are having similar. Mother in law too scared to go to shops/chemist. We are both working from home (albeit I am signed off sick as am pregnant and suffering awfully with morning sickness) and also looking after our 18 month old. Sisters in law and their husbands not having to work and coming up with all manner of excuses as to why they can’t help.

So far, my DH has had to: a) get and pay for her weekly shop, b) drive to hers, pick up prescription, take to chemists, c) drive to chemists next day (as they said it was going to be a few hours before ready), pick up meds, drive to hers and drop in (whilst his sister lives closer and only a 5 min walk from the chemists - she is out walking her dog in the vicinity each day), d) is now being asked to mow her lawn/fix her fence.

There will be more requests im sure. And DH should be limiting trips as I’m pregnant.

But I don’t know why I’m surprised, same as always. We are always expected to do the errands/pick up tab/put family up and feed them/drive them round everywhere.

Bloody sick of them being so selfish

symbioticpatriot · 28/03/2020 12:20

Why is the government hub a good suggestion? These elderly grandparents have many family members close by who can (in the absence of info so far) organise themselves to keep the elders of the family in food and provisions. Instead people suggest loading it onto community volunteers who are there to help the genuinely alone and vulnerable and are taking risks themselves. I would feel ashamed to make an elderly member of my family go looking to the wider community for help when so many younger family members who are presumably looking after themselves are close by.
OP I quite agree this shouldn’t all fall on you and it should be shared among the family members who can, preferably while they do their own shopping etc.

formerbabe · 28/03/2020 12:20

I feel very strongly that care of elderly family members is the domain of their children and not their grandchildren except in exceptional circumstances.

Yanbu

IOnlyWannaBeWithYou · 28/03/2020 12:25

I’m shopping for my 84 year old DM. I ask her what she wants and once a week I drop it off. I do try to include additional ‘treats’ for her. But once the shopping is delivered she understands that she can’t then just ring up saying she now fancies xyz.
If you’re happy to continue shopping for them, make it clear it’s once a week/fortnightly and if they want more someone else will have to get it.

LightenUpSummer · 28/03/2020 12:27

It's taken me till the age of 44 to realise that quite a lot of people are not very nice. Honestly, it was alike a blind spot I had to others' selfishness

It's like blinkers being removed. It's (nearly) everywhere, and not just due to the current crisis.

The challenge is to see this selfishness for what it is, and keep healthy boundaries. Really hard! You have to face your fear of being a "horrible person" - which is, weirdly, easier than truly seeing how selfish the world is.

So keep your boundaries, and seek out the truly nice people to spend time with.

1Wildheartsease · 28/03/2020 12:43

I keep a list of things I'll be getting for others ... next time I shop.
Firm but warm response:

'Yes - it is now on the list. I'll be round with it on X day when I do our shopping.' is all that is required :)

Having to wait a little but getting it in the end seems ok to me.

Damnloginpopup · 28/03/2020 12:44

I was happy to do this for my parents ten miles away, but have had to accept that my work puts them in too much risk if I do it so I had to stop. That doesn't sit well with me. My brothers partner is shielded due to her health so he needs to avoid picking anything up. My niece and nephew stepped up without a second thought. They're good kids

AutumnRose1 · 28/03/2020 12:47

now is the time to tell aunt and uncle to step up

if they have reasons they can't, they will explain that. It's insane to dump this all on you.

zombieapocalypseisnigh · 28/03/2020 12:49

I would just say no, you can't do it like this.

and they'll need to find a way to get money to you, because you're struggling.

Plenty of time to sort out their online banking from home whilst sitting on their couch. Tell them to get on it immediately or you're out.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/03/2020 12:49

My parents can’t leave their house because they are both in risk groups (but not elderly). When I’m in the shop, I’ll ring and ask if they need anything but they’re doing the same when they get an online shop. It’s give and take.

The issue in your family is you’re doing a lot of the giving. Do your grandparents normally help you out when they can? Even if my parents couldn’t do anything for us right now (they can’t really beyond the few food items they leave in their doorway for me to collect), they are our main source of childcare for DD normally. They save us a lot of time and money so I wouldn’t even object now if they couldn’t help me at all.

RosieSunset · 28/03/2020 12:54

@bigyellowduck Looks like it doesn’t work like that. If one person has repeated exposure their system is more likely to get overwhelmed, and not only get it, but get it badly. That’s why frontline medical staff are at such risk- repeated exposure.

ButiLoveHim32 · 28/03/2020 12:56

**I think I'll have to keep on doing what I'm doing

OP you've been given lots of suggestions.

Maybe you're one of those people who enjoys complaining about how they are so hard done by but will never take steps to change.**

This, with bells on. There is simply no reason at all that you need to keep doing this. You are a grown adult and the word no is in your vocabulary. You don't seem to have even spoke to your parents about it, let alone your aunt and uncle. If you want to do it, do it. If you don't just don't.

yellowfishes · 28/03/2020 12:58

What 1Wildheartsease suggested is great.

MintyMabel · 28/03/2020 13:10

I think I'll have to keep on doing what I'm doing

Which is why they keep asking you.

Say no. If others won’t help, it’s their problem to sort out.

We all have to work together and help each other, but that doesn’t mean you need to put yourself at all the risk when others can help.

BlueChangling · 28/03/2020 13:12

I'm in the same boat as you OP. Nan (starting week 3 of isolation tomorrow) has 4 children and 7 adult grandchildren and all her shopping and care needs have been left to me. My mum tried to help out the first week but has health issues and has been told to stay in herself for 12 weeks.
Before all this my nan was used to getting out to the shop several times each day for the walk and the company of talking to people, so she now thinks it's OK to ring me 2/3 times a day asking me to nip out to get her things she wants which is stressing me out.

I'm going to have to talk to her today about it, let her know that Monday will be the day I can get her food in, and on Fridays I'll get her prescription and any other urgent essentials. I've also ordered a shopping list magnet she can stick to the fridge, she can then add all her treats and essentials to it

I'm worried that she is going to take it the wrong way. I really am happy to help her but I don't want to run to the shop everytime she fancies a packet of wine gums.

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