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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give up my delivery slots..

355 replies

Shootingstar2918 · 27/03/2020 19:09

Hi all, background... I am not vulnerable and I am fit and healthy and able to go shopping but it’s extremely difficult. I have two children with autism and my partner has to work. I live 12 miles away from the nearest large supermarket. The village shop doesn’t sell much.

I get my shopping delivered every week without fail at the same time every week. I always book slots in advance particularly at usual peak times - Christmas, Easter, summer holidays.

My partner still has to work long hours so not as easy as one of us getting to the shop. By the time he finishes this week the shops are shut. They don’t open late here.

I have two shops booked. One for next week and another for the week after.

Been told I’m selfish for not leaving them for the vulnerable?

I booked these 2 weeks ago! When Tesco released easter bank holiday priority slots for delivery savers!

Surely I should keep my slots and not be made to feel guilty?

I know I’ll probably have to shop in store after these 2 slots!

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 28/03/2020 22:26

It is very hard. I am buying for my family of 5 and my elderly mother. My son has a rare genetic condition which has recurrent chest problems as a feature but does not come under the extremely vulnerable category. The limits on amounts we can buy, make it hard to ensure we have enough for everyone. If Tesco's decide to cancel our slot, how do I prove we need it?

Mummyshark2018 · 28/03/2020 22:31

I don't think it's just able people being able to go to a supermarket- I can go but there's nothing there that I need when I get there.

I usually get a weekly Ocado shop but not a regular slot as my working pattern changes (nhs). Can't get any online deliveries and haven't been able to get eggs, bread, pasta, rice, flour, veg, some toiletries etc in 3 weeks. If people have slots that they don't need for essentials then it would be lovely if they gave them up instead of ordering things they don't really don't need just to keep their slot.

veryverytiredmummy · 28/03/2020 22:37

Could you see if there's anyone vulnerable local to you who could also use your slot? The stuff could be delivered to you and you could go and deliver it to them. You don't have the issue with the children and they don't risk the shop.

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 28/03/2020 22:41

We've got a couple of shopping slots booked and I'm REALLY torn about this. At the moment, I'm keeping them, and asking neighbors what I can order for them and leave on the doorstep, but I may revisit the decision.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 28/03/2020 22:41

@Shootingstar2918 - Hey, fellow mum to two autistic children here too! You're absolutely not unreasonable to keep your slots - you are 12 miles from the supermarket and you can't take your children to the shop in the circumstances. You can't guarantee that they will observe social distancing, or that they'll be able to manage their reactions and stick to the rules, especially if they get overwhelmed and have a meltdown. Your children are disabled, you are shopping for disabled children - don't forget that, you have a very valid reason.

Also, a different take - what would happen to your children if you got sick? You may be healthy and recover from corona but lots of people have been put in bed - or worse! - by the virus before they get better. I don't know what your children are like, but mine get hysterical if I'm not up and about as usual. I've not been well this week, just a mild chest cold, and my son has not coped at all. If I were seriously ill, he'd be in a hell of a state and it would have long-term repercussions. I don't even want to think about what would happen if I had to go to hospital - he literally wouldn't be able to function. You can't afford to get ill because your children are vulnerable. You are absolutely critical to their wellbeing in a way that far exceeds regular parenting.

Personally, I'm asthmatic so utterly paranoid about catching the virus. I'm currently self-isolating so things are a bit different at the mo, but I have been using a click and collect every two weeks or so. I'm hoping to be able to carry on doing so once I'm better - I'd prefer a delivery but I'm leaving those slots for the most vulnerable. People won't always understand the challenges you face, but you're not unreasonable in the slightest.

angelfacecuti75 · 28/03/2020 22:49

I think having 2 kids with asd classes them as "vulnerable " as technically it is classed as a disability and lots of people claim DLA for it /their kids and deservedly so as it impairs life . It is a fact that life with a disability more challenging and therefore more expensive so no I don't think you are unreasonable. I'd say that to people too as I'm a gobby* cow who advocates these things to death . I think in a way as their carer , their disability will make it harder for you to care for them too, and it is not just a crap reason you are doing it for ....

FrenchBoule · 28/03/2020 22:59

Keep the slots OP.
Mum of child with ASD here. Surely your “helpful” relative who called you selfish could stay with your kids or do your shopping(with particular items your children eat)? No? They didn’t offer? Well, they can fuck off then.

HoneyNutLoop · 29/03/2020 00:19

I don’t know if you are unreasonable to keep your slots. You have a fair complex situation. I couldn’t possibly tell you if there is a way around you keeping the slots - hubby shopping at the end of his shift, popping to the shops when hubby gets home. I don’t know how complex your children’s needs are. You have to make that judgement call - they need to eat and you need to look after them. That is your job and that is reasonable.

However, the reason I’m up. I’m in the most vulnerable group who got letters and I am desperately trying to book a slot, as I have been every night this week. People like me, who have to shield, are advised not to leave their home at all - they are even advised not go within 2m of their family members and stay out of shared spaces. I have two kids - I can’t do that. My dad also lives with me, he’s over 70, with diabetes and heart disease...all risk factors.

So despite the fact that I am supposed to stay in my home and be shielded, I am stuck with the dilemma of should I go out because my kids need to eat.
It is a myth that the most vulnerable are getting the slots - i see no evidence of that, there is no magic priority line as some have suggested. Not yet anyway.

I am entirely sympathetic of your situation, and I understand your dilemma, If you released it, who knows who would get it. Good luck x

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 29/03/2020 00:32

You are not selfish. All the food stockpilers who cleared out the shops to make this mess are selfish. You have 12 autistic children, live 12 miles away from the shops and you would have to do this alone with the children in tow too. You are deserving, you are organised. There will be thousands of food hoarders who are using this service to hoard more food without a care in the world for anyone else. You have a conscience but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Keep your slots.

Rachel709 · 29/03/2020 00:43

YANBU.

squishedgrapes · 29/03/2020 00:45

Keep your slots. I'm a single parent with three children with autism, and have a few slots booked, but still. To enough to keep up with my children's sensory needs
I have a choice to send two of my children to their SEN schools, and I've had to make the difficult decisiompn to send them in because I'm running out of food, have no one to get me food, and no family at all
People have no idea what it is like.
It's my biggest stress

squishedgrapes · 29/03/2020 00:46

I have no slot for,the next two weeks. And I'm running out of food. I've told no one irl about the slots and I don't intend to

squishedgrapes · 29/03/2020 00:48

I'm also a type 2 diabetic, and have high blood pressure and can not get a priority clot

JanMeyer · 29/03/2020 00:50

Major sensory food issues will go out of the window along with woke eating when we all get hungry due to food shortages.

Congratulations on being such an ignorant twat, you think sensory issues will disappear just because an autistic child is hungry? Nope, when a child has a few safe foods they'd rather starve then eat something else. They're not just being fussy you know.

YABU - anyone who is not at risk to their health because they are either old or have an underlying health condition should NOT be using a home delivery slot. Your kids might be autistic but that doesn't make them more likely to get sick than anyone else.

Really, so what do you suggest physically disabled people who are unable to go shopping (and whose carers have abandoned them) do then? They should just go hungry? Your comment about autism is spectacularly misinformed as well. Have you ever tried to take a severely autistic child with LD to a supermarket? Oh and FYI children with autism and LDs are more at risk than NT people because they may not understand things like handwashing and the importance of not touching things. Sensory seeking behaviour can cause autistic children to lick, try to eat and touch all sorts of things.

And what do you suggest people who are self isolating do? We had a delivery this week because two of us have symptoms. According to you people shouldn't have a delivery in that scenario either? Or would you prefer we'd gone out and spread the virus?

ArriettyJones · 29/03/2020 02:21

you think sensory issues will disappear just because an autistic child is hungry? Nope, when a child has a few safe foods they'd rather starve then eat something else.

I chuckled grimly at that chunk of turgid ignorance too 😏

itsbetterthanabox · 29/03/2020 02:46

If you have a partner at home surely you can go out to the supermarket and leave kids?

eloquent · 29/03/2020 02:49

I have a pda autistic son and an nt daughter. I am a single mum. I do not drive, there are no shops in walking distance.

I don't have any shopping slots. Luckily I have enough to last for now. But this is going to go on longer and the people who would usually help are reticent to do so for obvious reasons.

So yeah. You keep both your slots. Middle finger to the rest of us eh.

alloutoffucks · 29/03/2020 03:17

@JanMeyer The OP has a DP. OP just didnt think he should use his one day a week off to food shop. This is about convenience.

MermaidinJeans · 29/03/2020 05:52

As someone who doesn't drive, has five kids (so can't fit us all in a taxi pre-lockdown anyway) and various physical and mental issues.... Who can't get a delivery slot anywhere at all....

I'd say keep them. You booked them in the first place for a reason, that reason still exists. Even if you cancelled them, you can't guarantee they'd go to someone old, vulnerable or self isolating anyway.

If you do feel guilty, you could always try and condense the two shops into one so keep one and cancel one.

It's not the people who can't get to the shops or who struggle to get to the shops that are the reason there's no slots anyway.

Plus the government are saying for people to only leave the house when absolutely necessary
and utilise delivery services instead, yet the shops are saying if you can get to the shop, don't use delivery slots. So it's no wonder it's a clusterfuck.

MermaidinJeans · 29/03/2020 05:57

For those struggling to get food etc, try looking into meat delivery services and fruit/very delivery service. Many local independent traders such as market stalk etc are utilising chilled delivery couriers recently . You obviously can't get cleaning products, Toiletries and pantry essentials this way and may cost more than you're used to paying but it means if you do have to venture out to the shops there's less you need to get.

cornishdreams1 · 29/03/2020 06:06

If you released the slots now, you have no control over ensuring someone vulnerable will get them, they are most likely to be snapped up by someone lucky.

If you want to help the vulnerable check out who needs help locally to you, and have their food delivered. I am currently ordering for five elderly neighbours.

AlternativePerspective · 29/03/2020 06:50

There is a thread elsewhere where numerous posters have had Tesco slots cancelled with as little as twenty minutes notice. So just because you have the slots booked don’t assume you’ll get the deliveries.

As you have a partner who is perfectly capable of going out, you should cancel the slots and go to the shops, that way at least you know you will be getting something.

As for the poster who stated above that a lot of sensory issues will go out the window because of this, I think the problem here is that everyone with a picky child now labels that pickiness as “sensory issues” meaning that children with autism who genuinely do have sensory issues are thrown into the same category, iyswim.

I think therefore that there are going to be two camps. Those with autism who do have sensory issues for who having the right foods is going to cause genuine anxiety, and those children who are just being picky whose parents have given into them for a quiet life but will no longer be able to do so. And I think that for those children, most will get over their pickiness.

In countries where there are food shortages and limited diets this level of enabling children to eat whatever they want just doesn’t happen because it can’t.

Again, this is not about children with autism with genuine food issues. The average toddler does not have those.

starlight13 · 29/03/2020 09:54

Yanbu, you have your hands full there and it's difficult enough with children at the moment. Keep your slots. I guess if you have any elderly neighbours though you could ask if they wanted something and tag it on.

Palma1 · 29/03/2020 10:33

YANBU keep the slots

Ocean69 · 29/03/2020 11:24

YANBU. People are just being jealous because they don't have any slots. You do not have to justify yourself to other people just because some phantom 'vulnerable person' may need the slot more than you, if you have a slot keep it. There's plenty of help with shopping in community groups etc going around at the moment I'm sure people will be fine, but nobody will have any sympathy for or help you out so you'd better look after yourself.