To try cry it out

[Pippinsqueak]

Please be gentle, first time chronically sleep deprived mum of a 14th month old baby that is breast fed to sleep and when she wakes. She wakes almost hourly and has done since birth. I'm starting to loose it.

Aibu to try gentle cry it out? I don't even know where to start as I've always avoided it as I was told it's not the right thing to do by health visitors/gps etc. She is also still in our room in a cot bed on the other side so was thinking to move her in there soon.

Any advice on cry it out ? Also I am seeing a breastfeeding specialist when c-19 is over to wean off boob

Thanks in advance.

Do what feels right to you and whatever helps you to cope. The only advice I would offer is don't wean her off the breast yet. WHO advice is during the crisis breastfed babies should not be weaned.
Good luck.

@floatygoat

If you actually bothered to read the whole thread, and therefore my previous posts, you would still that I still co-sleep with my 18 month old who wakes a minimum of 6 times a night and I have no once let him cry it out.

However, that does not mean that I do not support other methods if a mother is very evidently struggling.

I am capable of parenting how I wish, and how I feel is best for my child, whilst also understand that my method is not for everyone and some people just need some god damn sleep.

@onlyfoolsotheds

I just keep putting my toddler down, cuddling him back to sleep and repeating. Whether this be once a night or every hour.

You could try having a muslin under your clothes to get your smell on it then giving that as a comforter. Also white noise on full volume. I would suggest the opposite, let you baby know you are there immediately and that gives them the security to fall asleep. Just a stroke or a hand on them. If you need to give a cuddle just do that and then put baby down again. It’s not easy but have the confidence to go with your gut and take things as they come rather than being too rigid with rules. Babe es are different and what works for one might not work for another

@onlyfoolsnmothers

No idea how I did a totally wrong tag there!

Thank you for your replies a very divided opinion. She slept well only waking twice until 3am where she got super emotional for a couple of hours. Coupled with the clock change I am one tired mumma.

Well done for everyone who is clearly stronger than I am and can cope with 8 wakings a night each being breast fed back to sleep but I need to do something as I'm going a bit crazy.

Thank you to everyone who has given some constructive advice and links much appreciated

@Wnikat that's what I'm doing and it's worked the last few nights. He's never been left to cry, he gets patted and calms straight away. Did your lo stop waking after the week?

Sorry OP I've tried to link to the book several times but it doesn't seem to be posting! It's "The no cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley

@Russell19 Yes. It was a complete gamechanger. Maybe a bit more than a week? But once there was no milk at night the wake ups massively reduced

I actually see more examples of anxiety in older teens who have never been taught self management and have always had their negative emotions externally soothed. Positive lessons in self-trust begin in tiny ways, such as securely allowing a child to realise they can fall asleep without needing external validation - it’s a small step in learning to trust themselves, because they feel secure in their environment. The gradual withdrawal is a great strategy as it provides the security of a parental presence WITHOUT the comfort being externally provided (ie older babies/toddlers learn to trust themselves without losing their trust in their parents; by contrast, if a parent externally soothes every wobble, it teaches children that they can’t rely on themselves but need an external support system to survive. I’m not talking about babies under 10 months btw, but older babies and toddlers). This can result in (potentially) an inclination towards fragile self esteem and co-dependency. I’m not saying it will for sure, because obviously there are other life lessons that teach self-reliance and self-trust, especially in sport, but this lack of children learning to trust themselves is one of the reasons (among many) that there has been an explosion in anxiety amongst children and teens in the last 10 years.

OP, never feel that someone is stronger than you because they allow their child to keep waking up.
I can guarantee you're a very strong parent and raise your child brilliantly!

Its not healthy for a baby to wake hourly at 14 months. My opinion is that we teach our children how to develop good sleep habits. I find it funny how many women on here state they co sleep with their 1.5 year old/3yr/5yr and they wake up hourly and they bf and cuddle them to sleep, as if that's something to be commended. Teach your child good sleep habits! OP, you know what you need to do. Teach them good sleep habits. You need your sleep too, you've suffered long enough.
Let the baby cry and go in and smoothe at different intervals, but do not give in and bf to sleep. Stick with it and they will learn and both of you will be happy for it in the end.

Pentium85 it’s funny because the method you describe is similar to how many of us sleep trained generally. Keep popping in reassuring and then retreating until it becomes second nature that they fall asleep by themselves.

@Affirmative106

No one is asking to be commended for their methods. Not sure what exactly you find funny?

The choice to co-sleep and to be happy with waking hourly is something some of us are absolutely fine with.

Just because you aren't, don't slam those who do

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Totally agree! I think the only difference is that I don't do it with the intention of stopping, whereas sleep training is

@Pentium85 is an issue because every time some sleep-deprived mother comes on this site to ask for CIO advise the co-sleepers come out stating CIO is evil and how they were happy to wake up every hour and co-sleep, when the OP clearly has asked for advise on how to proceed with CIO. So yes, it does leave the impression that they should be commended for co sleeping and waking every hour, whist the CIO mothers are somehow less then.

@Affirmative106

I am the co sleeping mother who wakes every hour, and I recommended 'cry it out' as the parent was sleep deprived, explaining that although I would never do it I wholly support the method for parents that need to, so I'm not entirely sure why you're taking the aim at me?

You'd be unreasonable

Well, let us know what you decide and how it goes, OP!

@Pentium85 thank you ☺️ mom guilt/shaming/if I can't do it so can you, is real

@Goostacean I will, tbh I never expected so many replies and responses and it's thrown my head off a bit. Also clocks changing last night has thrown a spanner into the works.

I'm going to think long and hard about how I am going to proceed, but something needs to be done and be done quick. I've cleared her room out (as it was used as a junk room) and we ve been spending more time in it playing etc.

Part of me thinks moving her into her own room will be good for her and may help her to sleep even just a little better as there won't me as many disturbances etc, but the other part of me fears that she will still wake up 8 times a night and I will have to walk to another room and back rather than to the end of the bed

First world problems eh?

Do you have 75 to spare op? If so pm me, local sleep consultant in my area is doing half price (down from 150) and she's very well thought of. She's doing a plan for me at the moment, maybe you could just have a chat with her and see if she could help.

Hey op I have a 13 month old who I also breastfeed to sleep at night. I considered but rejected cry it out when she was waking a lot. What helped for me was limiting the amount of milk she gets in the day so that she would eat more at mealtimes. I feed her when she wakes for the day at 7 then she has breakfast at 9 and lunch at 12 with no milk in between. Then another feed after lunch, snack with milk around 2 or 3, then no more milk til after dinner at 6. This meant she ate way more food and woke less at night. I have also been advised to start rocking to sleep at night instead of feeding to sleep, as a transitional stage between putting her down in bed to sleep. Also advised to just put her down in bed and stay with her, comforting her, until she falls asleep. This would clearly involve crying, but is apparently better than cry it out as the baby knows she is not being abandoned and is just frustrated, not scared and lonely. I have not been brave enough to try it though...

@Pippinsqueak I'm not sure if it's you who's pmed me, I can't see the message, when I go to my inbox it's not showing as any news messages.

Anyway, the sleep consultant I mentioned is here: m.facebook.com/SleepThroughJen/

See, this is why there is an interest in convincing mothers that they/their baby have a "problem" that needs "fixing". Never takes long until the "sleep consultants" chip in and charge ridiculous rates.

The whole talk of "habits" supports the sleep training culture. In reality babies gradually develop longer sleep stretches, they all sleep in their own beds once they're ready, there are no "bad habits" that can't ever be undone again. This language is just something else to shame and pressure vulnerable young mums with. As you can see - pressuring them into throwing money at the "problem".

@Affirmative106 The point in talking about cosleeping is not to talk about who is stronger or whatever but to show that there are alternatives. I do think CIO is evil for all the reasons @floatygoat said. But there is such a strong culture around making it acceptable or even necessary regardless. If we as a society didn't regard it as an option, I suspect that's when there would actually be more real support for mums especially working mums. Not myths to make her feel better after pushing her to shut off all their instincts, but proper support in getting more rest and sleep while still being responsive to her child. Say more flexible working, more affordable childcare, mothers helpers.

What helped me was

1. Going to bed as early as I could (even at 7.30 if that's when baby fell asleep)
2. Having naps during the day while my mum played with DD
3. Actually just the acceptance of the night wakings helped so much - not looking at the time and stressing about it each time, but just rolling with it. It made it less emotionally exhausting in a way.