To try cry it out

[Pippinsqueak]

Please be gentle, first time chronically sleep deprived mum of a 14th month old baby that is breast fed to sleep and when she wakes. She wakes almost hourly and has done since birth. I'm starting to loose it.

Aibu to try gentle cry it out? I don't even know where to start as I've always avoided it as I was told it's not the right thing to do by health visitors/gps etc. She is also still in our room in a cot bed on the other side so was thinking to move her in there soon.

Any advice on cry it out ? Also I am seeing a breastfeeding specialist when c-19 is over to wean off boob

Thanks in advance.

@sunshine you come across really judgey and abit on your high horse but looks like you’re trying to cover it up by talking politely while you say these things. It doesn’t really work.

What do you mean by “own [the choice]”?

I do not value my work MORE THAN my relationship with my child (or his health and well-being for that matter). I think they’re both important and it’s not a zero sum game: I don’t need to choose one over the other. As I clearly explained, I believe that sleep training has resulted in a better outcome for all in our house - my son included. I ultimately did him a favour because the unbroken sleep he enjoys at the moment is better for him than waking loads of times a night and not being able to fall asleep without my rocking and walking about with him!!!

Fine. Never mind then. I'll bow out. Sorry for being judgey, it genuinely wasn't my intention.

Sleep deprivation is no joke, Did a version of controlled crying when DD was four months, the first four days was brutal but the clouds cleared and the sun came out on the fifth day. My MH and my bond with DD would have been negatively effected if the multiple night wakings had continued.

Learning to self settle is just as important to babies as it is to their parents.

You can say controlled crying is evil and makes you lose the bond with your baby and it will be bullshit. What about when you pick them up when they cry during the day, do you think babies will forget that and just focus ok the night time and the fact you didn’t pick them up when they cried?

On the other side of things I think there is such thing as holding your baby too much and making them used to it, so much that whenever they are out down they cry for that attention. It’s about a balance.

Actually, despite disagreeing with @Sunshiness’s view on the risks of sleep training, I made a conscious effort to read the last several pages using a “pleasant tone” in my head, and I don’t think she (I assume) was unreasonable or rude. In the end of the day, we all judge because otherwise we’d never make choices and decisions.

I think the thread is a little misleading by now because a few pages in OP stated a preference for CC, not CIO, which is a bit different obviously.

I still think that there is no risk of damaging a bond or a child if training is done with full commitment, when baby is ready. 14 months is definitely ready from an age perspective. I think trouble starts when parents are unsure of their decision and fanny about demonstrating inconsistent behaviour to the child. (I’m finding this with potty training, consistency is vital.) Otherwise, you may well confuse the child who never knows when you might appear and what you’ll do (nursing, patting, shushing etc) when you do, which must be very distressing for them.

Thank you @goostacean

Thanks @Goostacean for that. I do agree.

@sunshiness we’re all just doing what we think is our best, when it comes down to it, and although your approach wouldn’t be for me personally, of course I respect it and the fact it’s right for you and your family. As far as I can make out, everything with children’s sleep is a phase. In about 13 years’ time we’ll probably be posting here about how they sleep too long now and won’t get up in the morning!

Thank you all it's been a really interesting topic. Whilst I am still uneasy about letting her cry (just because it will break my heart to hear her upset) I also want to get her sleeping better for her sake as well as mine. I don't want a four year old who still wakes all night and it affects her development. Also I don't want to go insane.

At the same time I have a slight concerns about doing CC will affect our relationship now but I take on board that most people said things were fine.

I know seller training isn't for everyone and if I had another one I would definitely do things differently.

I have a plan, we ve been playing in her room the last few days. I'm going to get her in her own room to start with, give it a week or so to see if things improve, then if not, consider CC for a week and again if things don't improve then I will reconsider.

Things are changing so fast but this sleep thing is dragging its ass so slowly.

Thanks again

I did rapid return/controlled crying and weaned from the breast when my youngest was 14 months. I was working full time, he was co-sleeping and I couldn't sleep because he basically suckled all fucking night. I was exhausted.

I took a week off work (just in case) to get him into his own room. The first night, he cried from 9-11. I went back at a minute, then two, then four - basically doubled every time. I sat outside the door so I could monitor and make sure he wasn't being sick all over himself. I'd go back in, do a 'shhh, time to go to sleep' lie him back down and go out.

Second night, he slept after about 40 minutes.

Third night, he lay down and went to sleep almost immediately.

He's 8 now, no issues with sleeping or attachment (or anything really). I would do it. Have a plan and stick to it.

She's been moved in guys, one step at a time !!

Yay! Is tonight the first night?

I mean in her own room?

Yeah we moved her cot into her room and set it all up. I also got a phone call from the breastfeeding specialist and she said as well as putting in her own room I need to let my husband try and put her to bed without me 😬😬😬😬😬

She's going to loose her bananas and he's going to have a meltdown

Consider it character development for the pair of them! 😂

Keep us posted....

How did it go @pippinsqueak ??

So we kept her up longer than usual but not so she was over tired. I fed her, husband took her and within 20 mins he got her to sleep with minimal fuss.

She slept 9:30-12, the til 2, then woke hourly til five and then slept until 7:15.

As discussed with breastfeeding specialist after 12 I would give her the boob, if she had woken before I was to send my husband up to settle her down but she didn't wake.

My room feel so much bigger and I'm able to breathe both mentally and emotionally. Definitely the right call to move her and the fact daddy got her to sleep (may have been a fluke) but definitely a win too!

That’s really brilliant news. So do you then just push a wee bit further each night in regards to the breast?

Just having your own space back in the bedroom is a real game changer , and your baby is still getting plenty of comfort, just of a different kind which is lovely. Well done OP

Well done!

@sauvignonblancplz that's the idea but my situation is a bit different, usually most of the time my husband wouldn't be here as he's a night worker but is off sick at the moment so needs his rest otherwise it will make his condition worse, hence why he's doing bedtimes til 12, then I'm doing after with boob to start with and then the idea is to slowly wean off depending on how many times she wakes.

If she only ends up waking twice (which would be a dream) boobing is not a problem during the night, but it's the hourly waking up and feeding back to sleep we re trying to avoid and get her used to going to sleep without the boob in the first place

Fantastic! That already sounds like an improvement, and your own space in your room must be lovely. Great stuff!

Sorry everyone to come back to this but I just came across a book that I thought explains well what I was trying to say re changing relationship with your child. This is from Philippa Perry, The book you wish your parents had read:

'Sleep is a huge deal - not for babies and children; they'll sleep when they sleep, but for parents. It is an emotive subject. Parents get angry and defensive about their sleep strategies, especially if they think they have found a method that works for them and then someone like me comes along and says "It is not kind or wise to leave your baby or toddler to cry alone in the night. It's not relating to them. It's like treating them like an " it" rather than as a person." I am not saying this because I want to shame you - I really don't - but nor do I want babies, toddlers and children to be alone at night when they feel that they need you. It is no more pleasant for a child to cry themselves to sleep or feel lonely than it is for an adult. I'm not comfortable with the idea of manipulation, or "training", as a way of relating to anyone, but especially not children, who are forming their personalities and attachment styles in relationship with their primary care-givers.'

As far as I can see she gives some advice on how to 'nudge' more independent sleep over time but without sleep training, even CC.

Of course everyone at the end of the day has to do what they feel most comfortable with, but this is the kind of shift in how you see your child that I was also talking about. Maybe doesn't apply to everyone but worth keeping in mind when thinking this through.

Well She did three really good nights and the last four nights she's been teething hard so been waking hourly again and not eating. Husband 💗🐵💍 is been putting her down for bed each night and we've only had two nights where she's kicked off majorly so that has been a success. Just need to work on getting her to stay asleep

That sounds really promising, once you’re past the teething stage! How good were the “good” nights?