To try cry it out

[Pippinsqueak]

Please be gentle, first time chronically sleep deprived mum of a 14th month old baby that is breast fed to sleep and when she wakes. She wakes almost hourly and has done since birth. I'm starting to loose it.

Aibu to try gentle cry it out? I don't even know where to start as I've always avoided it as I was told it's not the right thing to do by health visitors/gps etc. She is also still in our room in a cot bed on the other side so was thinking to move her in there soon.

Any advice on cry it out ? Also I am seeing a breastfeeding specialist when c-19 is over to wean off boob

Thanks in advance.

Thank you all for not being judgemental. I have just been following the advice and Information given to me by health professionals and health visitors.

Oh my, I really feel for you. Big hugs.

My 14 month old has only just learned to self settle. He also woke hourly or every other hour until about 1 month ago. I couldn't sleep train even if I wanted as he still needs formula at night (doesnt eat solids, under many teams). I'm sure its coincidence and we only tried after a friend recommended, we started using vitamin d drops, just the normal baby ones. Since then, he wakes less and less, culminating in one 3am waking for milk and then back to sleep last night!!! I'm still co sleeping in his double bed for now, but anticipate leaving soon.

I think cry it out would be difficult and messy at 14 months. Does LO sleep better in a bed, or co sleeping, have you tried?

Posted to soon.

She has been unwell past months having two hospital admissions which is made her boob hungry as she stopped eating. But prior to this she was eating three square meals a day and boob was just a maximum of four times a day then for bed time.

We are trying to get onto cows milk, but at the moment it's only a few sips here and there out of a slanted cup. She drinks water from a beaker though.

At night half the time she isn't fully awake but crying with her eyes shut. Sometimes I can just gently push her down and rub her back but if I pick her up she's frantically looking for boob. I think I need to wear a straight jacket.

I am so ready to do something, I don't just want to full on leave her to cry, but there's so many methods out there does anyone have a name I can research.

Thank you again so much. I feel like I've lost myself and been a failure for not being able to sort this out on my own.

And she's in her own cot bed btw, I can't go sleep with her she would permanently be attached to my nipple and we tried it in the past and it was so uncomfortable and I was so anxious I got even less sleep (if possible)

I gotta be honest, I always include the comment about baby being tired but tbh you’re the priority in this instance- and that’s okay! I’m glad your little one is happy as Larry during the day, but you’re clearly not and there are no awards for suffering this stuff. She won’t grow up to thank you.

I understand there’s a well-respected method by Ferber, which might be worth looking into.

Yes, look up Ferber. You can amend it to have smaller intervals etc if you want to make it a bit gentler.

Thank you I have looked it up and I think that's the one I'm going to use. I'm just worried that she's going to go from having quiet gentle boob to sleep to full on leaving her to cry all in one go. Do you think I could ease her (and me) into it by giving her a feed in the rocking chair and before she gets fully asleep then put her down in her cot and start the Ferber.

I don't want to full put her to sleep by boob then start the Ferber at night as I think that's not how it works and seems cruel

Yeah, I understand that you need to feed them put down drowsy but awake. Just be sure she doesn’t fall asleep during the feed.

*then put down

I caouldnt read all this thread but you need lots of guidance here on gradual withdrawal methods NOT EVER cry it out. Everything you are doing, rocking soothing etc is actually making things worse . Please research Gradual Withdrawal, The Disappearing Chair etc. ask your Health visitor if she or any colleagues are trained in sleep management. I could help you but would need to see you face to face weekly

Sorry I meant to say any professional who helped you would need to see you face to face

I've have seen sooooo many health visitors and seen the gp and a breastfeeding specialist so I have exhausted that Avenue

I did a sleep training course called Rebecca Michi. It saved my life and is much more gentle than CIO. I would say that 2X 40 minute naps and then an 8pm bedtime is not an awful lot of sleep for a 14 month old. At that age my eldest was still having 2X 1.5 hour naps and going down at 7pm.
It sounds weird but she may be over tired. Just a thought!

Absolutely heartbreaking. Poor baby.

What about poor mum!?? Clearly OP is looking at Ferber rather than CIO, but why focus on a baby who frankly won’t remember whatever method is used, rather than a mother who potentially cannot care for her child or herself, and is at increased risk of mental and physical health problems, due to lack of sleep? (Not you specifically OP, I mean generally.)

Anyway, good luck!

@Goostacean no you are exactly right. I've been off work with exhaustion for two months, I fear I'm heading into depression. I feel and look awful, I feel like I've lost control of myself. The only thing I know I've done right is bring up my perfect little girl who is happy and healthy but you're right mummy needs to sort something out before it starts affecting baby. I've noticed I've started to get increasingly frustrated (not with her) each time she wakes so I'm at my breaking point.

Do you have a partner who can help with the wakings?

Keep your chin up. I know it's hard - I look dreadful too, skin and weight from the night time eating. On antidpressents too. It will end though, she won't go to uni still needing help to settle herself!

Good luck with the gentler method, I really hope you see some improvement. We were considering that too, were just holding on for our dietician appointment next week for high cal formula so we could night wean and hopefully wean wean.

You must feel like you're going mad at this point, and it's so important to look after the whole family, inlcuding you! You're not alone in any way :)

Thank you yes I have a wonderful husband who keeps me well fed and hydrated. So far all night wakings have been done by me as I have the boobs and he works nights at the hospital. He has tried to help but she just wants boob

You must do what you think is best. I have no other advice on this, am not a parent. It might be a nice idea to pre-empt things with the neighbours though. Everybody is cooped up and it's only going to get worse so their patience and understanding probably isn't at their usual level. So a quick note along the lines of 'I'm really sorry but there might be some noise - you must let me know if it gets unbearable' would let them know that there is no need to get angry or pissed off, they can just communicate with you.

I did it and it changed our lives. It took about a week and the first night was horrendous. Do what you need to do, MN is very anti CIO. Good luck xx

I’ve been off work with exhaustion for two months, I fear I'm heading into depression. I feel and look awful, I feel like I've lost control of myself.

Not surprised! If it were a State or another adult doing this to you, rather than a little cutie, you’d need a lawyer- there’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture!

I have more to add on actual method, but will have to write it later.

Because baby didn't sign up for this.
Because baby doesn't understand.
Because baby will be crying with no comfort.

If mum cried and husband ignored her people would shout ltb.

OP has a husband. She's not alone. She has support.

You sound to be a lovely mum! Perhaps though - for her sake as well as yours, your health/happiness need to be higher up the priority list. Just leaving her to cry - sounds too hard for either of you.(I couldn't do it.)
Being present but not too responsive - so accepting some crying - soothing with very soft voice - very little touch etc. will take longer but will still work.

It sounds as if she is a happy and secure child but that at night you have become her 'thumb' or 'dummy' and the way she soothes after natural part-waking. She doesn't 'need' the boob - but is comfortably used to it.

If you never offer her milk in the night (just water if you think she needs something) she will adapt and consume more calories in the day. You would not be being cruel to stop this night feeding(unless as a family you are used to eating meals at hourly intervals each night).

Knowing that you are there - not interacting but present will prevent her being frightened. Accepting some crying will be really tough on you - but it is for her good as well as yours. Keep that in mind.

She is going to be annoyed at first though; her present system (her habit) works perfectly for her - and she has no idea it is a strain on you or that there is any need to change.

Definitely start any sleep training at bedtime not the middle of the night, that’s the time they are most tired and most likely to go to sleep without too much crying. Your well established routine will help too as she will know it’s sleep time - but she will be cross about the boob being taken away.

Then you need to be consistent in the night which is going to be hard...

The morning nap is usually quite a good time as well. If she’s having two naps, I would suggest NOT sleep training for the second nap, it’s too hard then, but ideally avoid boob as well - maybe take her out in buggy at that time?

You could try introducing a sleep toy/lovey for her to snuggle into at sleep time, tuck it in your bra for a day so it smells of you. This is about the right age for loveys.