To try cry it out

[Pippinsqueak]

Please be gentle, first time chronically sleep deprived mum of a 14th month old baby that is breast fed to sleep and when she wakes. She wakes almost hourly and has done since birth. I'm starting to loose it.

Aibu to try gentle cry it out? I don't even know where to start as I've always avoided it as I was told it's not the right thing to do by health visitors/gps etc. She is also still in our room in a cot bed on the other side so was thinking to move her in there soon.

Any advice on cry it out ? Also I am seeing a breastfeeding specialist when c-19 is over to wean off boob

Thanks in advance.

Just read through the rest of this thread

Jesus, some of the responses are incredibly narrow minded and not helpful at all... looking at you @Sunshiness

Hi op. I wrote a similar post to yours a couple of months ago. When you're desperate, it's awful and you have my total sympathy. We were desperate too.

Controlled crying didn't work for us. We tried it at 15/16 months, which I think was too late as DS was already pretty aware.

What did work was gradual retreat (also called disappearing chair). He knew we were there, but he also got the message pretty quickly that nothing exciting happens at night. No interaction, no food etc but at least he wasn't distressed through feeling abandoned.

Good luck whichever you choose. Sleep deprivation is miserable.

@Pippinsqueak my lo is nearly 2. Wales up sometimes every 15 minutes- 1 hour every night.
I have no support. No one has looked after dc for even a minute. I haven't been separated from them. I've done it alone. I am knackered. It is tiring. I barely get any sleep due to my insomnia. But I won't let my child cry and feel unsafe. That's what I'm there for.
This is why I had a child.
That's my opinion.

Wakes up

@PatricksRum

Where do you hang your perfect parent medal? Do you set aside time each week to polish it?

Woah, @PatricksRum you’re stronger than me. Honestly. No way could I do that for two years, no way Jose.

But this point: But I won't let my child cry and feel unsafe is where I think the philosophy falls down. Babies have no other way to express themselves. My baby is 3mo and his cry appears to mean everything from “my brother ran into the room and scared me” to “I’m hungry” to “why’s everyone left? Don’t forget me!”. It’s purely how babies communicate as they have no language. Crying doesn’t equal feeling unsafe or being harmed, it can just mean baby is unimpressed- and sometimes that’s tough. If toddler is doing something dangerous, or mummy is washing her hands to be hygienic, or whatever, baby may need to wait. The same applies at night; we as parents don’t have to respect a bad habit for fear or traumatising the child.

I have a 14 month old. I get it, but I would advise trying something like the No Cry Sleep Solution first - it's a book you can buy. Read the book carefully and follow the steps for a couple of weeks. The author had a 12 month old who woke 8-10 times a night, by the end of the programme he woke once, an early wake up in the morning and was sleeping 8-10 hours in a row. I would suggest it's worth trying before a controlled crying method if you can. My DH does help with settling at night, we perservere and it doesn't always work but he often helps out with settling now. It's worth a try and one of the things suggested in the book.

And PS I am still breastfeeding and he rocks her to sleep

Wow well some of you have made me feel even more of a failure for even thinking it but most have been understanding and supportive and I thank you for it.

If I was talking about a two month old I'd be inclined to say get a grip myself but this is a 14 month old people. When does it stop as I have seen zero improvement for a long time.

@PatricksRum well, well done you. I'm pretty sure I've done pretty well so far myself. I'm glad you feel happy parenting the way you do but dont hold other people up to your standards. Just because you coped doesn't mean everyone else can. This is mums biggest down fall and source of guilt.

@Sunshiness pretty sure my bond will stay the same as I will still go in and see her, I'm not abandoning her to fend for herself on the mean streets of London l, she'll be in the next room where I will still go in and comfort her when she calls out

@Pippinsqueak

Do not, ever, doubt your choice of parenting methods.

You know best for your child.

Wow Patrick'sRum - you do realise its not good for your toddler to wake every 15 mins to one hour all night long?! Sounds like your child could really benefit from a little gentle sleep training.

@Pippinsqueak But you would be training her not to call out anymore - that's exactly the point.

If you feel it won't affect your bond and is the best for her, by all means do what you feel is right!

I agree there is no one way to parent and we all know our own children and circumstances best.

I would disagree with Pentium though in that I do think it's good sometimes to doubt your parenting just a little bit, as that can make you look up some new information or reflect on alternatives, rather than blindly following the crowd. For me that was really important actually for trusting my parenting in the long run. Because there is a strong pro sleep training culture where we live, I also bought into it at first and thought I had to do it for the sake of my DD, even if it went against my instincts. Now in hindsight I am so glad I was also confronted with other perspectives (eg it's not a thing at all in other cultures, groups like The Beyond Sleep Training Project, Sarah Ockwell Smith books). My DD's sleep stretches naturally got longer I think around the 15/16 months mark.

You have my sympathy OP, it is incredibly hard to function on little sleep. You're not a failure at all for struggling with it, it's an objectively incredibly hard time. And we all have to do what's right for our families. I just wanted to make you aware that there is also a lot of misleading information and myths out there that have an interest in portraying sleep training as normal and necessary and no big deal, when for some it would not have been the right thing. Just make sure you look properly into baby sleep and different ways of dealing with it etc and then find the right way forward for you from a place of being informed. I wish you all the best and that things will get easier soon.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith seems to get a lot of credit for her The Gentle Sleep Book. Let's just remember that she isn't a sleep expert, or scientist in any way.

She holds a psychology undergraduate degree and has 4 kids. Her book is not gospel, if anything it cherry picks research that reinforces her own world view.

Parents are lining her pockets to feel better about themselves. I have my self read two of her books (Gentle Sleep and Second Baby) before I realised so much of it was either common sense or a load of tosh. I do like reading parenting books, articles and podcasts - but you have to read widely!

Of all the books I've come across I would really recommend John Medina's 'Brain Rules for Baby' - he is a molecular biologist and researcher, the chapter on 'sleepy baby' is really good. He explains all the existing research about what we know about how the brain develops is an accessible way. If you are too tired to read see if you can get it as an audio book.

I meant more the book Why Your Baby's Sleep Matters by Sarah Ockwell Smith.

The Science Of Parenting (by scientists) also recommends cosleeping, but gives some suggestions for what to try when night times are difficult too.

But you would be training her not to call out anymore - that's exactly the point no you are teaching them that they don’t need to be rocked for an hr to go to sleep, giving them the ability to close their eyes and go to sleep. Believe me my 2 year old certainly still calls for me but I know 9/10 it’s for a reason eg she’s dropped her toy out the cot, and 10/10 I respond. I do not have to sit in her room for an hr to make her feel secure enough to fall asleep.

I couldn't donut to my baby. Have you tried co sleeping. That's how we got through it. My 3 yr old sometimes still snuggles in bed with us but most of the time sleeps through in her own room. I have 0 regrets and haven't caused my child anxiety, confusion, stress and fear.

@Pippinsqueak did you try something last night?

I sent my husband in at 2am (first wake) and he settled absolutely fine, no crying. He didn't wake then until 6am! Maybe tonight will be worse but it's given me some confidence that he doesn't need milk.

@Pentium85 Oh it's the "world's best mum speech". Heard it before. Next.

@Goostacean I totally agree with you. If I'm talking to my mum on the phone and dc squeals my mum says shh, she's not even distressed, just communicating. Also when she wakes up in from a sleep for a feed, if I'm not in the room and therefore not responding immediately she will cry, she's just communicating "mum I'm awake can you soothe me to sleep". They're just talking. As they get past newborn stage their cries will differ and you'll understand that this cry means this etc etc. There's no reason to leave them crying.
Sometimes I might wake from a bad dream or hear a noise, as an adult I get up check the noise out, and I can soothe myself. Babies can't do that. That's all it is.
You can never force a baby to soothe themselves. You're just teaching them that you're not responding to their communication.

@SallyWD Why isn't it good?

@Russell19 I got so overwhelmed last night I didn't do anything. However randomly she slept in our room in her cot bed breast fed to sleep for four and a half hours. She then woke twice in one hour then slept til 6 where I boobed he back to sleep until 8.

Complete fluke I reckon but now I'm in two minds about moving her into her own room now. Maybe I need another rubbish night to force my hand.

@Pippinsqueak why don't you move her into her own room and see if that helps her sleep longer? Before you do any 'sleep training'

@Russell19 yeah just in case we really disturbing her, well more so my husband and we have a dog in the room too. Also thinking it's getting warmer and it will get too hot and stuffy.

Only thing is il still be going in and out her room loads. I would sleep in the room with her for a while, not just leave her there.

Then yes if she still wakes loads then consider sleep training

Why would you sleep in the room with her? If you’re going to start a new habit and routine, start as you mean to go on surely? Otherwise you’ll still be in there with her in months’ time because she’ll start kicking up a fuss when she wakes and you’re not there.