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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly selfish son!

133 replies

AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 10:42

Hi,

I really don’t know where to start, please bare with me.

  1. DS18 is refusing to self-isolate, in his own words he doesn't understand why there is so much commotion and uproar regarding the coronavirus and he needs to go out and carry on as normal because it is going to have an huge impact on his mental health.
  1. A few days ago, I received a phone call from his girlfriend (very lovely girl, beautiful inside and out) who was in distress (crying) he has been cheating on her, I am disgusted with him. I have confronted him, he has said that doesn't know why he ”does” it and he doesn't have no particular justification and that he doesn't want to speak any further on the matter. This morning I received a phone call from her mother informing me that DS has given her an STI, DS is claiming that it is a lie she is trying to gain his attention.
  1. DS10 suffers from Aspergers and anxiety, his anxiety is very bad at the moment, he believes that DS18 is going to catch coronavirus and die.

AIBU for wanting to leave the house and go and stay with his father?

OP posts:
Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 22:54

@Elieza

“20mins exercise to walk round the block alone is fine”

I fully agree with this, but he will say 20 minutes isn’t enough.

OP posts:
Elieza · 26/03/2020 23:20

Nae luck mate. We’re all struggling. 21 year olds are dying. The police are now telling people to go home. Sometimes in life we all have to do things we don’t want to. This is one of them. If you can’t obey my house rules you can go to your dads.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/03/2020 23:21

see what tomorrow brings...

then pack his stuff... Flowers

Namechange4nowt45 · 26/03/2020 23:23

What a narcissistic little sh#t, hes only going to get worse the older he gets

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 23:31

@Namechange4nowt45

I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call him that.

Thanks.

Yes I’ll see what tomorrow brings

OP posts:
HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 26/03/2020 23:41

You need to get tough here. So what if your older DS doesn't much like you for it.

You have other priorities. Your health is important..who will look after your younger DS if you get sick?

Did you younger DS hear his older brother say he didn't want mental health issues like him and you?

You're being a bit gullible here. Gullibility combined with his selfishness means someone could well die. Think of all the people he'd be mixing with and all of the people they would be mixing with.

You cannot control your DS's behaviour but you can control yours and the reactions you have to him.

He either does Find My Phone or he doesn't get back in after he goes out.

If he goes out for longer than 20 minutes he doesn't get back in.

Tell him you won't be enabling his risky, selfish and illegal behavior. Then the ball is in his court.

If he does break your trust then he has to know his stuff will be on the doorstep. And whatever you do, stick to it.

You owe it to your younger DS, yourself and the rest of society.

Porcupineinwaiting · 26/03/2020 23:46

I dont think he's only going to get worse as he gets older OP. I think he'll grow up in time. I do think you may need to get tough in the short term though.

See how tomorrow goes.

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 27/03/2020 08:43

Good morning,

Absolutely furious DS18 has woken up with a cough this morning, it probably isn’t CV. All he has to say is “mum you don’t actually think that I’ve got corona virus? it is flu season”

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 27/03/2020 08:47

No need to be furious. If it is cv then he likely caught it last week before self isolating became a thing.

However, in case it is cv he needs to stay in his bedroom away from you and your youngest. No hanging around the living room, no going out for exercise. Do you share a bathroom?

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 27/03/2020 08:56

Porcupineinwaiting

I have told him that he will need to self-isolate now.

Luckily we all have our own en-suite bathrooms.

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 27/03/2020 09:00

Ok well that makes it a lot easier. Good luck

PardonWhat · 27/03/2020 09:04

Namechange4nowt45 isn’t wrong though. Maybe you need to get real about exactly what he is/who he is at the moment.

I’ve no advice to offer other than to pack his bags and allow him his freedom. He’s an adult free to be unbelievably stupid elsewhere!

BumbleBeee69 · 27/03/2020 13:57

So.... the threat of Him having to conform and move out.. has him displaying symptoms....

All very convenient for Him OP Hmm

QuestionMarkNow · 27/03/2020 18:39

If its just 'flu' than he will be ok at his dad wont he?

CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2020 18:49

Youve completely lost control. He doesn't do a thing you say. He should have gone already. He knows you won't make him leave. He is putting your younger, vulnerable son at risk.

Yet there he is, still in your home, after you said he had to leave. He ignores you. He has no respect for you.

He should be at his dad’s already. Since he isnt, and now needs to self-isolate, if he leaves again at all he doesnt come back in the house. At all.

Has he actually got diagnosed mental
Health issues? Or is he just selfish and using that as an excuse?

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 27/03/2020 19:46

@CalleighDoddle

No he doesn’t have any mental health issues, I suffer from anxiety and DS10 has Aspergers and OCD.

Yes I can admit that I have lost control, he is claiming to feel “fine now” and just his joints are aching, no other time does he want to spend time in the living room with us, but this evening he kept on coming down and asking questions (being a pest basically)

I have contacted Dad but haven’t received a reply back from him, I’m pretty sure that DS18 will go out tomorrow even though he has agreed to stay home, I need to think about DS10 I won’t have him feeling anxious.

OP posts:
Upthehillanddownagain · 27/03/2020 20:32

There was a situation a few years back where I lost him to Dad for 4 months and I don’t want that happening again

AsiaEbene you have to get rid of the idea that you want to hang on to him at all costs. Because I sense that he knows that and therefore feels that he can do what the hell he likes and you won't make any real stand in case you 'lose' him again.

He's your son and you still love him - but he's doing nothing to be worthy of that unconditional love, quite the opposite. He's taking as a green light to be as arrogant, selfish and rude as he likes, and daring you to throw him out.

You're hanging on to the idea of a loving son. Let that idea go, and look objectively at his behaviour. And don't be afraid to call him out on it, tell him there will be consequences, and mean it. Don't fall for empty promises where the only aim is to get you to back off so tat he can carry on exactly as before.

You have to do this, for your own sake and that of your younger DS, and ultimately for DS1 as well.

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 28/03/2020 17:01

Right

So he went out just after 10am this morning, claimed that he was just going for a walk. I asked why he was dressed smartly, his reply “Was it’s Saturday, it’s nice to look your best”

He has not long come home, I asked him where he had been, he said it doesn’t matter because he hasn’t been in contact with anyone.

I’ve told him he must go to his Dads house now, I’m not playing with him.

He said he will go soon, I told him that I need him to go today, he has said if I make him leave that I will never see him again.

I’m done, I won’t allow him to blackmail me. To think I’ve actually created a monster!!

OP posts:
PardonWhat · 28/03/2020 17:25

AsiaEbene

What a horrible little boy. Pack his bag and wave him off. How dare he blackmail you?
Let’s see how long his dad puts up with it.

Seeitsortit · 28/03/2020 17:53

Pack a bag and tell him soon is now. Ask if he wants a taxi and you’ll have his key

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 28/03/2020 18:13

@PardonWhat

He would not behave like with dad. I went up to check if he is getting his things together. He has said he is waiting for his dad to get home, then he’ll go.

OP posts:
RhagePip · 28/03/2020 18:29

You need to grow a back bone and thrown him out. It's not just you and your ds he's risking is the general population.. You are enabling his entitled behaviour. People don't just begin acting this way. Wakeup

BumbleBeee69 · 28/03/2020 21:14

Has he gone ?

OliviaBenson · 28/03/2020 21:16

Sorry but why didn't you pack his things and leave a key in the lock when he left this morning?

He's taking you for a fool. He knows he can just walk all over you.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/03/2020 21:23

Yip... Kid knows he's the boss and his brothers health does not matter a jot...