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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incredibly selfish son!

133 replies

AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 10:42

Hi,

I really don’t know where to start, please bare with me.

  1. DS18 is refusing to self-isolate, in his own words he doesn't understand why there is so much commotion and uproar regarding the coronavirus and he needs to go out and carry on as normal because it is going to have an huge impact on his mental health.
  1. A few days ago, I received a phone call from his girlfriend (very lovely girl, beautiful inside and out) who was in distress (crying) he has been cheating on her, I am disgusted with him. I have confronted him, he has said that doesn't know why he ”does” it and he doesn't have no particular justification and that he doesn't want to speak any further on the matter. This morning I received a phone call from her mother informing me that DS has given her an STI, DS is claiming that it is a lie she is trying to gain his attention.
  1. DS10 suffers from Aspergers and anxiety, his anxiety is very bad at the moment, he believes that DS18 is going to catch coronavirus and die.

AIBU for wanting to leave the house and go and stay with his father?

OP posts:
Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 15:45

@Leaannb

I will not be answering anymore calls from them.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Of course I’m not scared of him, if I were to lock him out it would cause a lot of conflict between us. There was a situation a few years back where I lost him to Dad for 4 months and I don’t want that happening again.

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/03/2020 15:54

There was a situation a few years back where I lost him to Dad for 4 months and I don’t want that happening again

I bet your other son would appreciate it though.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/03/2020 16:52

right little charmer isn't he... Hmm

you do what you need to do OP Flowers

Porcupineinwaiting · 26/03/2020 16:53

What will it do to your relationship when he gets sick and infects you and your younger son?

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2020 16:56

Hard as it is, you need to get him out. He’s not acting responsibly, he’s offensive, and he’s causing his brother harm.

Lock him out, pack a bag, tell him the next time he goes out then the bag will be waiting for him outside and his father says he will take him in.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2020 16:58

You know that your ex will be completely fed up with your son after a few weeks of isolation - both will be glad when your son returns afterwards.

heartsonacake · 26/03/2020 17:04

There was a situation a few years back where I lost him to Dad for 4 months and I don’t want that happening again.

AsiaEbene You don’t “have” him; he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t listen to you and he’s actively putting you and your younger son at risk.

You would be ridiculous to allow him to stay with you at this point.

mbosnz · 26/03/2020 17:07

So you're prepared to risk your vulnerable younger son's life so as not to risk the (extremely one sided from the sounds of it, and entirely upon his terms) relationship you have with your older son? Picture having to say that to your younger son. Picture how you'll feel if your younger son catches corona, and you have to face the fact that you recklessly enabled that, by not doing everything you'd done to protect your younger son. That you had contributed to this situation.

My daughters know that if they flout the rules of isolation, they will get home to a locked door, and a mattress on the floor of the garden shed, and they would not be coming in the house for two weeks.

In your situation I'd be packing his gears, putting it out the door, and locking it.

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 17:22

@HollowTalk

I pretty much doubt Dad is self-isolating.

I have spoke to him again, I have told him that I am not playing with him and that this is serious and if he leaves the house again he won’t be let back in.

He has apologised for keep going out and not following my instructions, he also said that he is just worried that him staying in the house is going to have a huge impact on his mental health and can I just let him have 1-2 hours exercise outside once a day.

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 26/03/2020 17:37

he also said that he is just worried that him staying in the house is going to have a huge impact on his mental health

Him and everyone else in the bloody country.

His problem is that he’s shown he hasn’t been, doesn’t want to, and if given the chance wouldn’t in the future stick to the rules about social distancing, so how can he ask for 1-2 hours out and expect you to take it on faith that he’ll stick to it now?

penisbeakers · 26/03/2020 17:38

Tell him the government rules apply to everyone, he's not special and if he persists then you'll call the police. He's eighteen which means he's an adult. Time for him to act like one.

AriadnesFilament · 26/03/2020 17:42

And time for you treat him like one, to be perfectly honest.

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 17:50

so how can he ask for 1-2 hours out and expect you to take it on faith that he’ll stick to it now?

I have told him that if he doesn’t stick to it, I won’t be able to trust him again.

Hopefully he will, now I’m here feeling guilty because I feel as if I’m being horrible.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 26/03/2020 18:00

To him you are being horible but that doesn't actually matter you are worried about him not "liking" you but it is your job to keep your family safe and secure atm not worry if a selfish 18 year old likes you.

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 18:36

@Mrsjayy

Thanks, everything seems to have calmed down now, DS10 is a lot calmer and less worried now.

OP posts:
flyingspaghettimonster · 26/03/2020 19:32

If my 18 year old son refused to self isolate he would be locked out of my house. He can go to his dads. He needs to see you being firm so he understands how important this is.

Darbs76 · 26/03/2020 19:34

I would tell him if he’s not prepared to follow the rules then he’s not staying at your house. Why should you both be put at risk because he’s out catching STI’s and cheating. Send him to his dad’s.

Darbs76 · 26/03/2020 19:36

1-2hrs exercise? If you really believe he’s exercising then fine, but is he? Don’t feel guilty, he’s putting other people in danger not just himself. Try explaining to him that if he had CV now and wasn’t displaying symptoms yet and was out and about he’s infecting people, who could die from this. If he’s so selfish he can’t see that I’d send him to his dads and let them get on with it together

GreenTulips · 26/03/2020 21:08

Hopefully he will, now I’m here feeling guilty because I feel as if I’m being horrible

For saving lives?

ChillinInMyBacta · 26/03/2020 21:15

Sums it up really.

Incredibly selfish son!
GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar · 26/03/2020 21:31

He doesn't respect women very much does he.

Elieza · 26/03/2020 21:46

1 - 2 hours of exercise = shagging his other burd! Er that ain’t keeping a 2m distance! What a Prince.

Tell him no. If he can’t obey the house rules he needs to go. 20mins exercise to walk round the block alone is fine. If he could be trusted to do that. Which I very much doubt.

You need to enforce the rules OP. He’s turned into a brat and will be unable to keep down a job with his attitude of not doing things he doesn’t fancy. You are not doing him any favours by trying ‘not to lose him to his dad’. You are showing him that women can be walked over. That’s not good for his future either.

CoupeCourte · 26/03/2020 22:21

His 'mental health', what a joke. If he cared about mental health he wouldn't 1. Have behaved the way he has so far and caused huge unnecessary stress to you and his younger brother, or 2. Cheated on his girlfriend. Or is he the only person whose mental health matters?

You know fine well he's not exercising for 1-2 hours a day. He's going and doing exactly what he has already been doing, and 2 hours will creep into 3, and so on and so on. He has you absolutely wrapped around his little finger, he knows you don't want to "lose him" to his dad and if he just pulls the puppy eyes oh-mummy-I'm-so-scared routine you'll give him whatever he wants. And so you have, and so you and your younger son will continue to be in danger, along with every other person he comes in contact with.

CoupeCourte · 26/03/2020 22:23

Here is one way he can earn back your trust. Install a tracking app on his phone - find my friends or something where you can monitor his movements in real time. If he's just going for a run, you'll be able to see that. If he kicks off or refuses, you have your answer.

Original poster
AsiaEbene · 26/03/2020 22:52

@CoupeCourte

I just want him to go, nothing has happened this evening but just thinking about how inconsiderate he has been is making me feel ill, DS10 went to bed fine tonight but I am a feeling that DS18 will not stick to the rules tomorrow and I can’t cope another day with DS10 being anxious, as soon as DS18 leaves the house he is going to instantly get stressed out.

He is extremely selfish, I had the news on tonight and I was showing him how many people had died, he still isn’t taking it serious.

He is not going to want a tracking app on his phone, he said he will go out early in the morning just for a walk, so I doubt he will be having contact with anyone.

OP posts: