Incredibly selfish son!

[AsiaEbene]

Hi,

I really don’t know where to start, please bare with me.

1. DS18 is refusing to self-isolate, in his own words he doesn't understand why there is so much commotion and uproar regarding the coronavirus and he needs to go out and carry on as normal because it is going to have an huge impact on his mental health.

1. A few days ago, I received a phone call from his girlfriend (very lovely girl, beautiful inside and out) who was in distress (crying) he has been cheating on her, I am disgusted with him. I have confronted him, he has said that doesn't know why he ”does” it and he doesn't have no particular justification and that he doesn't want to speak any further on the matter. This morning I received a phone call from her mother informing me that DS has given her an STI, DS is claiming that it is a lie she is trying to gain his attention.

1. DS10 suffers from Aspergers and anxiety, his anxiety is very bad at the moment, he believes that DS18 is going to catch coronavirus and die.

AIBU for wanting to leave the house and go and stay with his father?

I don’t regret asking him, I wanted to know whether it was true or not. He is always honest with me.

AsiaEbene Why? Why do you need to know if it’s true? It’s none of your business; you shouldn’t be getting involved.

Given the recent circumstances, I would most certainly question your sons honesty. For starters, he’s a teenage boy, so no, he isn’t always going to be honest with his mother.

@heartsonacake

Hi again, I don’t need to question my sons honesty. I am his mother and he has no reason to lie about anything when it comes to me. I am his mother, he wouldn’t say he has done something when he hasn’t.

Thanks

I agree that he’s selfish for not self isolating that is ridiculous. Don’t get involved with the other students he’s barely an adult he’s just leading. You can’t get involved with their dramas. Yes he is not being nice but this is his lesson to learn he’s still your son.

When all this is over you need to tell him of the hurt his cheating dad caused. Make him realise the impact on you and himself. In a factual rather than emotional way.

With the other stuff* not student

And he’s just learning*

Sorry bloody autocorrect!!

I am his mother and he has no reason to lie about anything when it comes to me.

AsiaEbene You need to be very careful; such naivety is not good.

He’s a teenage boy, there will be lots he has hidden from you over the years and he will continue to do so. Being his mother is exactly a reason why he will lie to you.

I’m not saying he’s lying about this, I’m cautioning you over believing everything he says and believing he won’t hide things from you.

He is home now, still refusing to self isolate!!

I told him that the only option he has is to go and stay with his Dad, he has said he is not willing to stay with his dad and he is going to continue to go out at least twice again but he doesn’t want to end up mentally ill like me and his brother he needs to stay sane.

That has really hurt me, I am not mentally ill.

So next time he goes out pack him a bag, put it on the doorstep and lock the door leaving the key in. Boy needs to learn he's not your boss.

This...

So next time he goes out pack him a bag, put it on the doorstep and lock the door leaving the key in. Boy needs to learn he's not your boss

OP what a difficult situation. Your youngest son must be your priority - son 1 is an adult and has to take responsibility for his own actions now. If that means he goes to live with his father then so be it - as long as the guidelines say that is permissible of course.

I'd chuck him out. He thinks he's a big man, shagging about and ignoring a massive public health emergency, let him fend for himself.

You need to be really explicit. If he doesn’t follow the isolation rules, he will return to find a bag on the steps and a locked door.

If he went out and followed the 2 meter rule, it would be one thing, but it’s pretty clear in this situation he is not.

I have called my mum, she has said she’ll call him soon and try and speak to him. I hate to admit that I’ve lost all control over him now.

Dad has texted back saying “he knows he can always come here”

I really can’t cope, I need to put DS10 first.

Let him go to his dads.

Asia what you’ve got to be careful is that you don’t turn in to my mil. She always stayed neutral when bil cheated - even on his wife. She would help cover his tracks and happily sit with his GF (after sil divorced him) knowing he was sleeping with other women he had met on line and took them back to his house. It used to turn my stomach and I stopped going to family dinners because of it.

There really is only so much you can do. I’d find where your red line is and stick to it. He isn’t a child. I had my own place, working and my own child at that time.

@AsiaEbene you dont need your mum to talk to him. He doesnt listen to you, why would you listen to her? Why are you so reluctant to put your foot down? Not as though he has nowhere to go.

I’m fact scrap that I’d ring his dad to come and pick him up.

I’m afraid he’s put you in an invidious position: you either accept this behaviour from him now, or you pack his bags, put them by the door, and tell him that you’re throwing him out and you’re prepared to change the locks the next time he leaves (order a couple of heavy duty DIY bolts on Amazon before you have this conversation), OR he can grow the fuck up and a god damned grip. His choice.

You’ve already said you’ve mollycoddled him. If now isn’t the time to stop, I don’t know when is.

@porcupineinwaiting

Even if I demand for him to go to his Dad he is not going to go.

@Summersunandoranges I am disgusted to know what he has been getting up to behind his girlfriends back, it is just making me wonder why does he think it’s acceptable behaviour.

You need to mind your business and let him handle his business. His sex life and who he dates is noe of yours. Thats the best way to keep the stress down. Girlfriend and/or her mom calls? Tell them to call your son. Stay out of it

I'd leave the girlfriend/cheating stuff aside - it's not immediately relevant. The main thing is that this adult is living in your house, and he either follows your rules (no matter how unreasonable he finds them) or leaves. Ask him if he understands and will follow the rules, and make it clear you will kick him out after even one verifiable breach.

@Asia if you lock him out he'll have to go somewhere. And you know he has at least one place to go. Or are you saying he would break into your house?

Are you scared of him?

He is a product of his upbringing. However, you can still make changes. Send him off to his father house. He is an grown ass man, he cannot stay in YOUR house with your permission.

Psssh, we wonder why so many men are twats. Look here.
Come on, try instill some courtesy into your son.

I have my older teen now home from Uni. If she leaves the house she knows she will not be allowed back in through the front door and that the door will be bolted shut. I have a younger child with severe health conditions and ASD. She knows I am serious. She knows I love her and she knows that I will always be here for her but she also knows that I will not take any chances with my younger childs health. If she leaves she doesn’t get back in for 12weeks.
The other stuff about the girlfriend- sadly that’s is up to him. Upsetting but it is no longer under your control