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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD’s boyfriend banished from family home due to cough

125 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 25/03/2020 09:53

Posting here for traffic. My student daughter is home with me for the foreseeable. Her uni boyfriend has gone home to his family. BF has developed a cough and his father has basically banished him from the family home (no elderly/vulnerable there) and told him to go back to the student house indefinitely. The dad called him whilst he was at work earlier and he’s not even being allowed home to pick up some things.

The dad is self-employed and obviously worried about getting ill himself and losing money (no excuse). I feel like telling the lad to come and stay with me and DD but know I can’t. But he’ll be all alone in the student house and won’t be able to get out to buy food. I’m a fixer and want to help, what should I do?

OP posts:

moita · 25/03/2020 09:55

How old is he? Can you drop food parcels on his door/bake for him? Poor lad

Original poster

HildegardeCrowe · 25/03/2020 09:56

He’s 20. He’d be 100 miles away so sadly I can’t 🙁

OP posts:

Nicolanomore24 · 25/03/2020 09:56

I would probably allow him to come and stay. Your daughter will have been in contact with him before he got the cough so if he does have CV then she probably will go.

Totally unreasonable and disgusting from the father.

Frenchfancy · 25/03/2020 09:59

When did your dd see him last? If its just a few days she may well have it anyway. How serious is the relationship? You say uni boyfriend as though he is only her boyfriend while they are at uni. I think as an adult she should be the one trying to help not you.

Original poster

HildegardeCrowe · 25/03/2020 10:00

My heart wants him to come and stay. I’m 62 and in good health so would just try and keep my distance from him.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 25/03/2020 10:00

Is it really that dramatic? He can pick up some food on the way to the student house, might not be pasta and bog roll but there is food in the shops. He could ask his dad to put his stuff in a bin bag and leave it outside the door so he can collect without contact. A couple of weeks inside watching netflix is not a horror for a 20yo man.

penisbeakers · 25/03/2020 10:01

You can't.

Original poster

HildegardeCrowe · 25/03/2020 10:01

She last saw him 3 days ago, serious relationship and they live in the same house. I meant boyfriend who she’s at uni with.

OP posts:

CherieBabySpliffUp · 25/03/2020 10:03

If he's been sent back to the student house does that mean he'll have to give up his job? I think in that case I would let him move in for now.

Original poster

HildegardeCrowe · 25/03/2020 10:06

Yes will have to give up job.

OP posts:

flossyflorenceflounces · 25/03/2020 10:07

His father sounds despicable but you can't let him move in to your house.

Vegansarefriends · 25/03/2020 10:08

That’s awful treatment for him by his own family, student houses are grim at the best of times and he probably has no money either.
So no belongings, no money and no emotional support or help if he gets more unwell.
I doubt there will be the support network either that have been set up in communities for the elderly and vulnerable.

I am a ‘fixer’ too and would probably take him in, he has been in close contact with your daughter anyway. You have a separate room for him and can practice good hygiene.

Seeyou · 25/03/2020 10:09

I have the same situation. My DD has had to come home when her travel plans changed. Her BF that she planned to go with has left his flat.She was desperate for him to come here , at least to visit. He has been pretty isolated , no symptoms at all. So I said he could.
BUT I have an elderly relative that lives with me and she is very upset with me. Carers come every day here for her.
Big house , easy not to interact. I am torn trying to keep everyone happy.
And will feel shit if anyone gets sick. Although I and DH are probably more of a risk due to previous travel.

Theyrecomingtotakemeawayhaha · 25/03/2020 10:10

You can't let him move in with you.He us young and it will hopefully be mild but there is no guarantee that if you got it that it would be.
Your DD can keep in touch and keep his moral up.

ktjerl · 25/03/2020 10:13

Sorry if I have missed it. Why was he at work with a cough?

Squidgoals · 25/03/2020 10:14

If he's got symptoms he shouldn't be going anywhere, let alone into shops. I'm horrified by the father's behaviour. I'd let him come to my house too, I'm a softy when it comes to my kids' close friends

WickedlyPetite · 25/03/2020 10:14

Having read several posts on here from frantic parents whose sons (and yes it does seem to be sons in the posts I've seen) are refusing to isolate themselves as much as possible in the family home and follow any kind of hygiene procedures, I'd say there's more to this if the dad is actually kicking him out.

He's already gone to work with a cough when he should not even be out in public.

He'll survive.

DowntownAbby · 25/03/2020 10:20

@Nicolanomore24

I would probably allow him to come and stay.

And this sort of stupidity is why we are fucked.

FortheloveofJames · 25/03/2020 10:22

I’d let him come stay. I know the government has said 3 weeks of this but in reality we just don’t know, could be longer. If anything the restrictions could get much tighter. I wouldn’t want anyone to be alone on a total lockdown situation. If you’ve weighed up your situation, everyone else in the house is low risk and your adhering to the rest of the guidelines I’d do it. All this is a horrible situation and it’s impossible to always win.

You sound like a lovely person tho OP.

TorkTorkBam · 25/03/2020 10:23

He wouldn't be at work anyway seeing as he is ill. You are imagining problems that don't exist.

These are times when we all feel impotent. Along comes a scenario where maybe maybe you could do something. You will feel an inappropriate desire to get involved to salve your feelings of inability to do anything in the face of the virus. There is no real need for you to do anything. Hard to swallow. True though. Your feelings are about you, not that man.

If he is a decent person he would refuse point blank to come into your house.

notmycuppa · 25/03/2020 10:25

My ds is the same age and holed up in another country miles away from us. I trust him to look after himself (he's actually done really well for food as his house mates all left him stuff and he 'rescued' a lot from work before it closed down). If he was here I know he couldn't handle hanging out 24/7 with younger siblings and would want to socialise. His landlord is being very good about rent. Hard though it is, they are young and resilient and you are not x

WickedlyPetite · 25/03/2020 10:27

If you’ve weighed up your situation, everyone else in the house is low risk and your adhering to the rest of the guidelines I’d do it

But he's not adhering to the guidelines, he's out and about with a cough!

thecatsthecats · 25/03/2020 10:27

He'll manage for the next two weeks. Then you can reconsider the situation.

Send him a Morrisons food delivery, but don't invite him to your home yet.

Ilovemypantry · 25/03/2020 10:29

@Seeyou

I’m not a bit surprised that your elderly relative is not happy with the bf visiting/moving in. This is against all the rules and advice....have you not been listening to the news? I can’t believe that there are still so many people not listening and just making up their own rules. How will we ever get rid of this pandemic if people just don’t listen to all the advice given?

Embracelife · 25/03/2020 10:32

He has a cough. Dont bring him to your home. He is 20 he is an adult he can get food delivered.

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