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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I didn't have children right now.

112 replies

ArtichokeAardvark · 24/03/2020 16:46

I'm isolating at home (asthmatic) with a toddler and an 8 week old baby. DH is working from home, but because I'm on mat leave it's down to me to take care of the children all day long. My coping mechanism until now for 2-under-2 has been to get out of the house as much as possible but that's obviously now impossible. I'm only just keeping it together, I'm hardly sleeping with a newborn and my toddler is going bananas trapped at home all day long. His tantrums are getting worse and worse, screaming at me that he wants to go to the park, the swings, his grandparents house, anywhere but here. I have no idea how I'm going to cope for months on end.

I love my children, but at the moment I would give anything to be childless. I feel utterly awful thinking this way, but I can't help it. Several of my friends don't have kids and they are spending the lockdown working from home (I miss my job) and then binging movies and drinking wine all evening. I'm so jealous, it's painful.

Someone help me remember that children are worth this, please. I can't talk about this with my husband, he wouldn't get it.

OP posts:
annamie · 24/03/2020 16:48

YANBU, OP. Is your husband really working all day?

My DH and I are WFH and things have quietened down a lot so no way are we both pulling in a full day.

Also, what happened on the weekend? Did he take over?

Reginabambina · 24/03/2020 16:49

I had this thought earlier today, lockdown without kids would be fabulous. I could get so much done!

SimonJT · 24/03/2020 16:51

I have a four year old, I’m WFH but I’m largely doing it when he’s asleep or having his telly time so my boyfriend doesn’t have to entertain him too much.

Your husband is lazy.

LouiseTrees · 24/03/2020 16:52

Do you have a garden? Can you use zoom to speak to friends from baby classes?

MarginalGain · 24/03/2020 16:53

Honestly, OP, I really feel for you and you will get through this.

Wine
Crackerofdoom · 24/03/2020 16:54

OP, please make sure that at the end of the working day, DH is taking care of the kids so you can rest.

He has no commute time now so should have more time to give to the family.

Feel confident in telling him that you need time.

If it helps, have already been in lockdown for 11 days and the difference in our toddler is massive. She was a nightmare for the first few days but has relaxed a lot now and is much easier.

Try and structure your day so you have breaks to look forward to and lower your expectations of yourself.

You are doing an amazing job and by keeping your toddler at home you are actively saving lives

PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2020 16:54

Lockdown without children is not fabulous. What an utterly ridiculous comment to make. Some of my family are unwell right now but I can’t see them. I’m still working. I am still worried about what will happen to this country going forward.

I would give anything to be locked down with children right now. When this is all over you will have the rest of your lives with your kids and I will still be childless. Don’t say you would give anything to be childless. You really wouldn’t.

MamaDane · 24/03/2020 16:55

I'm in a similar situation but instead with 7 months old twins and a DP working from home. My DP even helps while working if I really need it and once the work hours are done it's pretty 50/50, whether it's day or night. Your husband is a dick.
no wonder you are feeling like you regret having kids 😂 I have those moments even with a good partner.

IvinghoeBeacon · 24/03/2020 16:57

I’m going to be in your position in a couple of weeks and it is pretty galling seeing all the “top ten books to read during lockdown!” etc, lovely as it is to have some extra 1-to-1 time with my son before the baby comes. You/we will survive it but I have no doubt it’s going to be very draining.

Crackerofdoom · 24/03/2020 16:58

And set up a virtual baby and toddler group with any friends in the same boat.

I am doing all my usual activities but using whatsapp, skype and zoom.

Feeling you are not facing this alone is really important.

Work out what you can give to DH to be responsible for. Offload some of the mental load

I also use granny on whatsApp to chat to my kids / read to them or listen to them read which gives me a break and keeps her connected to us.

GreasyFryUp · 24/03/2020 16:59

No, you are NBU...... 😊

HulaHoop2 · 24/03/2020 16:59

I have a toddler and a 5 month old baby and it’s hell! We’ve already been “self-isolating” for months because of the harsh winter where I live, and I was so looking forward to being able to go out again, and now we can’t! It was literally the only thing that was keeping me going! I’d already planned so many fun things and bought their summer clothes and swimsuits and everything!

Whalette · 24/03/2020 16:59

Do you have a garden?

NotFattyBomBom · 24/03/2020 17:00

So your H is saving time commuting where he could take turns with giving you a lie in? He could take the toddler for 30 mins on his lunch break? He can put the toddler/baby to bed as no late home from work? He could take the toddler for a for a 30 minute run before or after he starts work?

Really, you need to tell him to get his finger out!

You NEED to tell him!

HulaHoop2 · 24/03/2020 17:00

Husband is also WFH but says I have to act as though he’s not here! He still comes out of his home office at lunchtime though to make me a sandwich and help me put the babies to bed - hope yours is at least doing that!

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/03/2020 17:00

he needs to change his work from home routine from work hours to across the day to allow him to support you better. Your being on mat leave doesn’t mean he gets to opt out of parenting all together

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 24/03/2020 17:01

Your kids are fine and worth it, your DH isn't.

No reason why he can't do night wakeups or at least the early morning ones.
No reason why he can't help entertain the kids once his hours are done, especially with no commute he should be available sooner than normal. Definitely at the weekend.
No reason why he can't do some activities with the toddler even during the day.

I bet knowing he's there but completely unavailable is making your frustration even worse. Put the blame where it belongs, on him not the children. He could help more, but does he want to?

Original poster
ArtichokeAardvark · 24/03/2020 17:02

Thanks for the responses. This really wasn't meant to be a whinge about my husband - he helps out a lot in the evenings and at weekends and judging by the endless conference calls he is genuinely working all day. The problem is that none of his co-workers have small children (either childless or their kids are teenage) so he doesn't feel he can drop work to help out 9-6. I did ask him what he'd do if I wasn't on mat leave, but his response was just that we were lucky not to need to worry about that...

OP posts:
Crackerofdoom · 24/03/2020 17:02

@PurpleDaisies
To be fair, she didn't say it would be fabulous to be childless, she said it would be fabulous to be in lockdown without children which is not the same thing at all.

SelfIsolationMeansMorePeppa · 24/03/2020 17:03

It's hard OP, I have one 2 year old who is hating being stuck in the house.

Do you have a garden?

My DH and I are WFH and things have quietened down a lot so no way are we both pulling in a full day.

Dont think its fair to assume everyone is like that though, I am working from home and am very much doing a full day and more, we dont know how busy he is.

Flippetydip · 24/03/2020 17:04

I do, but not just for lockdown. I feel guilty for bringing them into a world where this is even a thing.

But also, yes, lockdown. 2 kids who are brilliant and stepping up to the mark brilliantly but still fighting on occasions and still get weepy (understandably) and still having to do work and still not being able to go out. I am exceedingly grateful for DH who is a (now out of work) music teacher who taught "normally" for 11 years and is dealing with them brilliantly whilst I work.

SelfIsolationMeansMorePeppa · 24/03/2020 17:05

he needs to change his work from home routine from work hours to across the day to allow him to support you better again only possible for some people. I need to stick to business hours as do many others.

PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2020 17:05

@Crackerofdoom the op said she would give anything to be childless. It was another poster who said it would be fabulous to be locked down without children.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 24/03/2020 17:05

I am finding the toddler difficult at home, she will last an hour in the park or swimming etc but only lasts 20 min on most activities at home and I just cant seem to fill the day!
Anyway surely your husband should be helping as much as he possibly can outside his normal working hours and lunchtimes and stuff? Me and my husband are taking it in turns to work but he still came through to help this morning when both kids were having a massive melt down

givemeacall · 24/03/2020 17:06

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