To tell them to go straight to the crematorium and not to expect to be let into my house?

[GoJetterGirl]

Just that.

Lockdown,

My boys funeral will not be the way he deserves, but at least we can have our 22 closest friends with us at the crematorium, socially distant (crem usually holds around 150) I’m thankful for that much at least.

The in-laws are complaining that they will have to travel up on the day rather than staying in a hotel, as the hotel they were booked at will be shut.

They have been told they are not welcome to stay here, because, it’s now law that households cannot mix and stay together.

Here’s where it gets annoying, the in-laws want to bring extended family to our house prior to the wedding, and are expected to sit like bumps on a log in our front room while we get ready to attend our sons funeral.

1. it’s no longer allowed
2. I’m immunodeficient, I don’t need my in-laws and co, tho don’t believe they need to isolate in my bloody house potentially infecting me and my family
3. I’m liable to lose my shit anyway, new law not withstanding...

So, what can I do to ensure they don’t run roughshod over me and my child’s funeral?

I’m at the point where I’m about to lose it big time

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son

I agree with YouTheCat re yr in Laws - astonishingly selfish of them

Does your H need another (potential) funeral to cope with?
Sounds awfully harsh but if you are immunodeficient in the current climate you simply cannot mix with others. They CAN'T come to your house and I'd 'check with the Crem' whether there is room there either.

You could involve the Police if you wished to? They could fine them!

Oh OP this is horrendous you should be able to bury your beloved son as you wish! It is not about them and at this time they should show a bit of respect, the last thing you need is them and any hangers on in your house especially if you have an underlying health issue bunch of morons so angry on your behalf 💐 xx

have you told your husband you are phoning the police? How about getting ready at the cremation that way they can’t come into the house? You shouldn’t have to deal with this and your husband needs to grow a pair!

Get a friend to deal with it.

You shouldn't be having to.

I'm so very very sorry for your loss

I cannot find the words for how dreadful your ILs are being, @GoJetterGirl. The sheer selfishness beggars belief.

I think that @SummerWhisper’s text is spot on, absolutely perfect.

You and the GoJetter family and friends - the true friends and loving family - are in my thoughts and prayers.

Totally agree about the text. ‘All to meet at x o’clock at the crem. No visitors will be permitted at the family home before or after the funeral. Be as bloody horrible as necessary, so terribly sorry for your loss.

YANBU. It is heartbreaking enough to have gone through what you have, without having to deal with inlaws.

They do not come within 2 metres of you or DH. Even to give you a hug. They do not enter any building except the crematorium and they go home straight after.

You are all very lucky that as many as 22 people get to attend. Some crems only have room for 4 attendees if observing correct distancing.

If they can't understand this then they shouldn't come at all.

I didn't think that it was possible for them to be any more twatty.

They're not allowed to your house as they don't live there.

No one is allowed to your house who doesn't live there.

When did the crem tell you 22 was ok? That might not be the case anymore.

Oh lovely. You've had some great suggestions for replies.

I'd say, no you are not coming into my home. If driving up on the same day is such a hassle don't come. I don't want you there anyways.

Or alternatively - just fuck off to the far side of fuckyou self centered wankers. When you get to the sign saying you've reached the end of fuckoff, climb over the fence and fuck off some more.

If you are anywhere near West Yorkshire, I'll entertain them. They can join me for a walk to the pig farm nearby.

Wow. There are genuinely no words for how selfish they are being.

How dare they make this time harder.

Tell them straight. Text ‘to protect our health and everyone elses we will be observing strict social distancing. We will meet you at the crematorium. No one should come to the house as we will not be letting anyone in’. Put a sign on the door saying ‘see you at the chapel at xx o’clock ‘ and don’t answer it

^This.

Cannot believe what utter twunts they are being GoJetterGirl

Your DH needs to text them
The answer is no. You cannot come to the house before or after. Stop asking, this is the end of this conversation

This is the absolute last thing you should have to deal with. Thinking of you all

Oh my love, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Tell dh what you wrote here, and tell them no way, 100% agree with you here.
Don't let it get to the stage of calling the Police, just get in touch and tell them this is what you have been told to do if they turn up.

Honestly after all you and your family have been through, can't they just be respectful?

💐

@GoJetterGirl

There are no words.

This is where you need to call you bolshiest stroppiest friend and get them to call the inlaws and state in no uncertain terms what they are allowed to do.

This is what friends are for and Im betting given the history, you probably have a couple who would love to be let off the leash and go into battle for you.

Neither of you should have to manage this when just getting out of bed is a major win

I’m so sorry OP. It’s very tough and I can in some way empathise because my BiL died suddenly last week and people have been very insulted that we are not carrying on as usual with arrangements despite knowing that I am caring for my father who has had chemo, so the less people around the better. I think you need to leave it to someone else to get very very tough with them. If your DH can’t be assertive then perhaps you have a friend or another (ferocious) family member of your generation who can manage them? I agree with others saying send a strongly worded communication setting out what’s acceptable now and let others police it.

Your ILs are behaving appallingly. I’m so sorry

I am so sorry for your loss . Unfortunately you may only be allowed to have immediate family, and your friends may be turned away.

From yesterday's announcement:

In addition, the Government is stopping social events, including weddings, baptisms and other religious ceremonies. This will exclude funerals, which can be attended by immediate family.

Maybe they could support you by standing outside your house and not allowing the in-laws inside?

I give you full permission to utterly lose your shit in the most spectacular way possible.

You’re an incredible woman. You can get through this. Trust me when I say the whole of mumsnet is behind you xx

It's a terrible time for everyone, OP. They need to be told what time they can get to the crematorium. However, your concern about being exposed to them also holds true to the friends whom you have invited. I'm afraid they should not be attending, and I doubt if the crematorium will allow them anyway. A quick search online shows that many crematoria are stopping having all but the closest relatives present, and a couple are even stopping the service completely.

I agree with getting a friend to act as go between, you've got enough to deal with!
Thinking of you and GoJetterBoy

I am so sorry for your loss. That must be horrendous.

Are the crematorium still allowing you to have 22 people because as I understood it, funerals were to be limited to immediate family only.

It's going to be hard but you will have to tell them that they are not to come to your home. It's not possible under the coronavirus current measures. If they keep making a scene, tell them not to come at all. There will be a memorial for him with a wake at a later date to which everyone can come.

I have a friend who has just lost her Dad (I'm living in another country so we've had restrictions longer than the UK) and they had to bury him with immediate family only (5 people) and there will be a memorial service later on.
A distant relative lost his Mum and due to his health condition his doctor told him it would not be sensible to go to the funeral. He had to watch the crematorium's livestream at home.

If those in laws aren't prepared to stick to the rules then they should be told to stay at home.

This is where you need to call you bolshiest stroppiest friend and get them to call the inlaws and state in no uncertain terms what they are allowed to do.

If you were my friend, I'd do that for you no questions asked. Done that before without even being asked. Not the same circumstances though.

I bet next the stupid twats will want to sit at the front because they deem themselves more important than you. Shame they can't be named and the daily fail names them, would be karma to make them the most hated people in Britain.