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Original poster

To not tell a partner about termination

108 replies

maiafawnly · 21/03/2020 17:00

Im pregnant. This is not good or planned. Im on the pill and have been for the best part of a decade. I cant remember missing one, the days on the pack match up. I havent been on other medication or vomiting. But how ever it has happened it has, and now i am most definitely about 5 weeks pregnant.

Im approaching 40 in a newish relationship (7 months and we live a fair distance apart, see each other a couple of times a month) i have three teenage children, a job i love, i start uni in sept to progress in the job i love. I have independence and freedom. I love how my life is. I have plans and goals. I absolutely do not want another child.

My partner has two teenage children, both the same gender, and although he has expressed he doesn't want more children, he has talked about being sad at not having a child of the opposite gender on one occasion.

A termination isnt up for discussion. Im already booked into the clinic this week for the first appointment. I dont want to talk about it i just want it over and finished. He has no idea as like i said, ive been on the pill for a long time with no other problems with it. I cant face the thought of him possibly disagreeing, no matter how slim that could be. But then i feel out of respect for him and our relationship he should know, hes a good man, i really like him, but this cant happen.

I honestly dont know what to do. Keep it to myself. Tell him now. On the day. After? I just dont want a conversation or to have to justify my decision regardless of knowing this is right for not only myself, but for the relationship we have at the minute.

Help :(

OP posts:
DICarter1 · 21/03/2020 17:02

I’d be like you and I wouldn’t tell him. Rightly or wrongly I don’t know. At the end of the day it’s your body and your choice.

crispysausagerolls · 21/03/2020 17:04

I think he has a right to know.
It is your decision to make but I wouldn’t feel morally ok with keeping it from him.

Dozer · 21/03/2020 17:06

Your body and choice.

No ethical / moral reasons to tell him.

If he’s a decent guy he would be supportive, so telling him could help you establish that.

GreenTulips · 21/03/2020 17:07

I think you need to tell him so you have someone to discuss it with. I think however much you don’t want the baby you will have some guilt and having support for this is essential.

He may well agree totally with you given the circumstances.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 21/03/2020 17:11

I couldn’t keep it from someone I was serious about.

A casual relationship it makes sense to not mention it, but if it ended up being a long term relationship I’d have felt I’d have lied by omission.

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/03/2020 17:13

It's your body and your choice. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself.

MarginalGain · 21/03/2020 17:14

You have no obligation to tell him. Just do whatever makes it easier for you.

BigMamaFratelli · 21/03/2020 17:15

I didn't tell dp until after I'd done it. I knew he'd say all the right things (And mean them) about it being my choice, and that we could make it work if we kept it, when we really couldn't. It would have just made it a million times harder to go through with it.
I told him afterwards, and luckily he understood. And the way he reacted helped me be sure he's a really good guy.

Mrsjayy · 21/03/2020 17:16

Do what you feel is best for you I actually don't think he has a "right" to know.

Dozer · 21/03/2020 17:17

“ I think however much you don’t want the baby you will have some guilt”

You’re projecting: OP may or may not feel X, Y or Z.

Mintjulia · 21/03/2020 17:19

Your call. Go with your instinct.

If he’s a good man he’ll support your choice.

FlowerArranger · 21/03/2020 17:20

If you feel this relationship might be a long term one, I'd tell him afterwards. I think its too big a secret to keep, but right now you need to focus on what YOU want.

Seaweed42 · 21/03/2020 17:21

Your body your choice.
You only know the guy 7 months, its not like you are with him 20 years.
You do whats best for you and YOUR family.

Chickensandapples · 21/03/2020 17:21

If you need emotional support tell him and tell him now.
Your choice to tell or not.
But would be hurtful to tell him later.

BlueJava · 21/03/2020 17:22

I think it somewhat depends on whether you think it'll be long term (tell him) or short term and casual (don't tell him). Personally I'd have the termination and not tell him.

managinged · 21/03/2020 17:25

I would say don't tell him. You have good reasons to have the termination, you're not doubting your decision, it's a newish relationship, you're not sharing a household so if you continued with the pregnancy, you would carry almost all of the day-to-day responsibility for a newborn. It's your decision.

Have you taken any prescriptions / antibiotics recently? Some antibiotics can interfere with the effectiveness of the pill.

PlainBritishFlour · 21/03/2020 17:27

I don't think there's anything to tell him.

CherryPavlova · 21/03/2020 17:31

Your choice but he’s not actually a partner if you aren’t telling him. It’s also no basis for a long term relationship- a foundation of dishonesty.

pigsDOfly · 21/03/2020 17:31

Only you OP, can know how this is likely to pan out if you tell him and only you know if you can keep this from him long term if you don't tell him.

My first thought was, no, it's your body, but you might feel the need to talk to him about it and to tell him after it's happened wouldn't be fair to him.

I'd be inclined to tell him, with the decision already made in my head that I was going ahead with it regardless of whether he's happy about that or not.

If he isn't happy, it might very well end the relationship, but better that than going ahead with a pregnancy you really don't want.

If you don't tell him, it might very well be something that will hang over your relationship anyway.

Margotmonde · 21/03/2020 17:32

I think either you tell him now or have the abortion and never ever tell him no matter what

JigsawsAreInPieces · 21/03/2020 17:36

Don't tell him and don't tell anyone else as its the kind of secret that may emerge later if anyone other than you knows.

Whathewhatnow · 21/03/2020 17:37

I'd tell. If he reacts badly, you found out sooner rather than later...

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 21/03/2020 17:37

I wouldn't tell him. I'd probably also ask to get a Mirena fitted at the time of the termination.

lynzpynz · 21/03/2020 17:38

If it were me I'd tell him, if you're both adult enough to be sleeping together then you're adult enough to be able to have a conversation about the potential result.

I do agree it's your choice what to do as it's your body but I wouldn't personally feel right keeping this from him. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd be gutted if my partner didn't tell me and went through this alone.

I asked my DH for his perspective, and said in hypothetical situation x would you want to be told? He said absolutely, I'd want to support my partner.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 21/03/2020 17:44

If telling him has the potential to make your situation more of a hassle than it needs to be, don’t. There’s no reason to.

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