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Original poster

To not tell a partner about termination

108 replies

maiafawnly · 21/03/2020 17:00

Im pregnant. This is not good or planned. Im on the pill and have been for the best part of a decade. I cant remember missing one, the days on the pack match up. I havent been on other medication or vomiting. But how ever it has happened it has, and now i am most definitely about 5 weeks pregnant.

Im approaching 40 in a newish relationship (7 months and we live a fair distance apart, see each other a couple of times a month) i have three teenage children, a job i love, i start uni in sept to progress in the job i love. I have independence and freedom. I love how my life is. I have plans and goals. I absolutely do not want another child.

My partner has two teenage children, both the same gender, and although he has expressed he doesn't want more children, he has talked about being sad at not having a child of the opposite gender on one occasion.

A termination isnt up for discussion. Im already booked into the clinic this week for the first appointment. I dont want to talk about it i just want it over and finished. He has no idea as like i said, ive been on the pill for a long time with no other problems with it. I cant face the thought of him possibly disagreeing, no matter how slim that could be. But then i feel out of respect for him and our relationship he should know, hes a good man, i really like him, but this cant happen.

I honestly dont know what to do. Keep it to myself. Tell him now. On the day. After? I just dont want a conversation or to have to justify my decision regardless of knowing this is right for not only myself, but for the relationship we have at the minute.

Help :(

OP posts:
Notredamn · 21/03/2020 17:46

He doesn't have a right to know. It's up to you how you deal with this, but you wouldn't be wrong to keep it to yourself if it makes things easier for you Flowers

Moodymagpie · 21/03/2020 17:50

... To those who say they don't think he has a right to know... Of course he does. The child is half her, half him. He has just as much right to know about the baby. Keeping it from him is selfish. (in my opinion)

In your case, OP. I think you should tell him... Once he knows the choice ultimately is yours.

amy85 · 21/03/2020 17:52

I've done the same

Dita73 · 21/03/2020 17:57

If you really want him to know at some point then tell him after. You don’t know how he will react and the last thing you need right now is someone trying to guilt trip you into having another child or making you feel bad about a termination. Get it out of the way and if you still want to tell him then tell him when it’s over. Beat wishes to you

crispysausagerolls · 21/03/2020 17:57

@Moodymagpie

Agree

CaptainHammer · 21/03/2020 17:58

I wouldn’t tell him.

Winterlife · 21/03/2020 17:59

In your shoes, I wouldn't tell him.

SunshineCake · 21/03/2020 18:02

Telling him after is beyond cruel.

I'd have to end things then tell him. Keeping such an event secret forever could be hard.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 21/03/2020 18:04

I think it's probably the right thing to do to tell him, but in your situation, I probably wouldn't.

Annasgirl · 21/03/2020 18:11

OP, in your situation I would not tell him. You are only 5 weeks pregnant. If you were not on the pill but had sex and took the morning after pill would you tell him? No. This is not a termination due to an abnormality discovered in a much wanted child. This is a form of emergency contraception, so do not complicate a 7-month relationship by telling him.

And for all the guilt trippers on this thread - you really are not pro-woman and pro-choice if you think she should tell him.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 21/03/2020 18:12

Morally I think you should tell him, otherwise the guilt may kill an otherwise happy relationship

Mummyshark2018 · 21/03/2020 18:13

I think you should tell him- particularly if you want/ see a future with this man. I couldn't keep a secret this big from my partner as the guilt would kill me.

Llyn · 21/03/2020 18:15

I don’t think he has a ‘right’ to know. It’s your body.

Personally, I would want to tell my partner because having a termination, even one I was confident was the right thing to do, would be a significant life event for me. I wouldn’t want to feel that I was hiding that from him Lying by omission like that would feel like a wedge between us.

But I know it would bring up some difficult feelings for him too, and I would need to be prepared to support him at the same time as needing support.

I think it would be something that would either bring us closer together, or bring the relationship to an end. But better that than holding it together by keeping secrets.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

Billben · 21/03/2020 18:16

I wouldn’t say anything. Not now, or ever.

Esspee · 21/03/2020 18:18

Please tell him. You need his support. If you get it you know he is a keeper. Don’t have a secret spoil your future.

Moodymagpie · 21/03/2020 18:21

Pro woman and pro choice has nothing to do with it. I've had a termination myself. The baby is made from his sperm cells. It's half him.. He has every right to know.

LunaLula83 · 21/03/2020 18:32

Don't tell him. Finish the relationship and move on.

PlainBritishFlour · 21/03/2020 18:36

Why would she finish the relationship?!

Hamsterian · 21/03/2020 18:44

You don’t have to tell him, but it might be the best thing so he can support you and also so you don’t have secrets. Do whatever you think is easiest and best for you and your children, don’t feel like you have to tell him if you think it will make everything more complicated. Be kind to yourself.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/03/2020 18:45

No, it's about your body and your contraception choices.

It is not a 'baby' and it is not something he gets to have any sort of opinion on.

This is not someone you have a 'joint life' with - it's someone you actually don't know that well.

I would certainly not tell someone I'd only known about 7 months about a termination, or anything very personal actually. Even if they were the reason for it.

Starksforthewin · 21/03/2020 18:46

He absolutely does NOT have a “right to know”.

Your body, your choice OP. I would terminate in your circumstances without a second thought. I would simply never mention it to him, or a

Starksforthewin · 21/03/2020 18:49

Anyone , that was supposed to say! 🙄

sunfloweryy · 21/03/2020 18:56

I would tell him but be firm that you are definitely getting a termination. Don’t frame it in a way that makes him think he may be able to change your mind.

If you love this man and see a future, he should know - it’s his baby too. His reaction will also tell you a lot about him as a person.

lunar1 · 21/03/2020 18:59

Your body, your choice. Telling him when he isn't getting a choice is pointless. It's a new relationship and you have your right to privacy.

randomchap · 21/03/2020 19:03

Your body, your choice.

Do you think he would be a good support for you if you told him? My wife had a termination in the first few months of our relationship and she said that my support helped her.

If she'd decided to not tell me I think I would have understood, but I would have wanted to be able to support her.

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