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Original poster

To not tell a partner about termination

108 replies

maiafawnly · 21/03/2020 17:00

Im pregnant. This is not good or planned. Im on the pill and have been for the best part of a decade. I cant remember missing one, the days on the pack match up. I havent been on other medication or vomiting. But how ever it has happened it has, and now i am most definitely about 5 weeks pregnant.

Im approaching 40 in a newish relationship (7 months and we live a fair distance apart, see each other a couple of times a month) i have three teenage children, a job i love, i start uni in sept to progress in the job i love. I have independence and freedom. I love how my life is. I have plans and goals. I absolutely do not want another child.

My partner has two teenage children, both the same gender, and although he has expressed he doesn't want more children, he has talked about being sad at not having a child of the opposite gender on one occasion.

A termination isnt up for discussion. Im already booked into the clinic this week for the first appointment. I dont want to talk about it i just want it over and finished. He has no idea as like i said, ive been on the pill for a long time with no other problems with it. I cant face the thought of him possibly disagreeing, no matter how slim that could be. But then i feel out of respect for him and our relationship he should know, hes a good man, i really like him, but this cant happen.

I honestly dont know what to do. Keep it to myself. Tell him now. On the day. After? I just dont want a conversation or to have to justify my decision regardless of knowing this is right for not only myself, but for the relationship we have at the minute.

Help :(

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 21/03/2020 21:27

I think if you’re going to tell him at all it needs to be before. But in your situation I might just keep it to myself

otterhound · 21/03/2020 22:12

Either tell him or don't thats your right

Under no circumstances whatsoever tell him afterwards

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2020 22:12

What's the point of telling him? People say he has a right to know as it's half his. However as he has no say in what happens then why tell him? He may be supportive or it may break his heart.

Why do that?

Northernwarrior · 21/03/2020 22:15

I think he has a right to know

I honestly don’t know why you think this.

goldpartyhat · 21/03/2020 22:29

The problem with not telling him now is that some time in the future, if you are living together, happy, etc, then you might just feel that urge we all have to 'confess'. If you do he will be devastated and hurt. By then you may have got used to the idea and come to terms with it, but for him it will be like it happened yesterday. It may cause problems in your relationship down to lack of trust.

So, if you are 100% certain you will never say anything, then don't tell him. It's the simpl,est way forward.

If you have the slightest doubt the truth will slip out one day, then sit him down and tell him calmly, but emphasise from the outset, there is no chance of you changing your mind. You don't want to hear objections from him. You are telling him so that he can support your decision.

I'm big on keeping secrets that will hurt the other person, but I can take a secret to my grave!

.

BigChocFrenzy · 21/03/2020 22:34

"I think if you’re going to tell him at all it needs to be before."

Why ?
He has no rights whatsoever in that decision
Telling him before would only be to debate it and it isn't a debate: the OP has decided

But I'd tell him afterwards, so that if he ever becomes a longterm DP, you don't have secrets to keep

Zombiemum1946 · 21/03/2020 22:36

There's another slightly more practical reason to tell him, if he seriously doesn't want anymore children, then maybe he needs to consider a more permanent form of birth control,especially if you don't want children at all either. For him it's a relatively easy Op, done under a local anaesthetic. Whole different ball game for you. All forms of medical contraception are fallible for any number of reasons and this could happen again.

RhagePip · 21/03/2020 22:46

There is no right or wrong way OP. Everyone's home situation and relationships are different. I've had a termination and although it was 100% the right choice for me at the time, it still wasn't easy, hormones and guilt afterwards are normal and having a form of support is a good thing. I don't think anyone who you don't choose to tell has an automatic right to know, BUT I do believe relationships are guided and built on trust and this could be a game changer if it came out later. Not because of the actual termination but the lack of trust in your partner to be a part of the conversation and his feelings of hurt thinking you didn't want or need his support.

Again just my thoughts and my own experiences. Nobody can tell you if you are unreasonable or not as nobody is in your shoes. Be kind to yourself and if you think this has the potential to be a long term relationship have faith in him to support you Flowers

crispysausagerolls · 22/03/2020 09:52

Wtf is the point of telling him afterwards? I think that’s cruel.

Either tell him now or don’t ever. But I think it’s a big thing to hide from someone. It’s a cluster of cells but it’s 50% his DNA I would think he should be informed. It’s 100% your decision and that’s clear but I think it’s correct to inform him! If he doesn’t like it that’s too bad, but he should feel like he has been told. Telling after the fact is a different thing, just seems unkind

MarginalGain · 22/03/2020 09:55

But I'd tell him afterwards, so that if he ever becomes a longterm DP, you don't have secrets to keep

Does anyone really not have any secrets?

HalfTermHalfTerm · 22/03/2020 10:00

I think if you’re set on wanting a termination (which is entirely your choice, and it sounds like you are) then I perhaps wouldn’t tell him. I don’t see how it will achieve anything, and there is a chance he might want you to continue with the pregnancy.

However I don’t agree with others saying you could tell him later on in the relationship, or after you’ve done it. I think you either need to tell him before so he is aware and can support you or not ever tell him.

AriadneCrete · 22/03/2020 10:01

Your body, your choice.

If there’s even the slightest chance that if you tell him before he won’t be 100% supportive or that he’ll try and have a big conversation about it, don’t tell him. Your mind is made up and your choice has been made. If you don’t tell him I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.

MangoFeverDream · 22/03/2020 11:04

Does anyone really not have any secrets?

Yah but this is a pretty big secret to keep in context of a long term relationship. Just a fling or short term partner then I’d see no reason but if she sees some sort of future? I think it’s different

inmyshedsmoking2000 · 22/03/2020 11:14

7 months?

Absolutely no need to tell him at all or feel guilty about it. Get it over with and move on x

IwantToDatePicard · 22/03/2020 11:26

If you are not making him part of the decision making process I wouldn't tell him.

Neron · 22/03/2020 11:29

Double standards on this forum never ceases to amaze me.

Accidentally pregnant (contraception failure), female wanting a termination = your body, your choice, dont have to tell him.
Same situation, but the male wanting to terminate = HE should have used more contraception, tough, he's going to have to step up and be financially responsible.

If you value or respect him at all OP, have the discussion. You might find you're on the same page. They child you're carrying is half his and he should know.

AvoidingRealHumans · 22/03/2020 11:34

I have been in this situation, I didn't tell him at the time and haven't told him after. It was a very controlling and abusive relationship, he would never have "let" me terminate and a baby would have been another way for him to control me.

I did what was best for me and my body. I didn't owe him or anyone else an explanation. Not another soul knows about it, its something I had to do to protect myself as best I could.
It's up to you op, best of luck with your decision.

Inappropriatefemale · 22/03/2020 11:49

At the end of the day it’s your body so your choice but maybe you could be doing with the support? Or maybe not, sometimes when a woman’s mind is made up about a termination then she doesn’t always need support, it doesn’t damage every woman if that’s what she truly wants and you sound like you truly want it.

You could also tell him that your pregnant and your having a termination whether he likes it or not, after all it may be 50% his but it is your body and it’s only going to hold you back in the long run.

I hope it all works out.

Bbang · 22/03/2020 11:59

I wouldn’t say anything, not for a seven month relationship. Do what you feel is best.

VegetableMunge · 22/03/2020 12:16

It's almost like the situation for the male partner is really different to the situation for the female partner in the event of unplanned conception neron.

sweetheartyparty · 22/03/2020 12:20

The decision is yours alone to make and its sounds to me that you have made it. In your position, I wouldnt tell him either. I think its cruel if the decision has already been made.
You do what you feel is best

CardsforKittens · 22/03/2020 13:06

I think it depends on why you don’t want to tell him. If it’s because you wouldn’t tell him about other minor medical procedures then there’s no reason to tell him about this. If it’s because you’re worried that he might have opinions that he would feel compelled to express and you don’t want to hear them, then perhaps that tells you something about some concerns about the relationship that you don’t feel like facing - but you might need to face them one day. Either way, he doesn’t have a right to know, and telling him is only worthwhile if you want, and are sure of getting, his support.

Original poster
maiafawnly · 22/03/2020 18:15

Thabk you for all the replies, and support. It means alot. I read each and every one last night on shift then slept it over. And when i woke i phoned him. Talking face to face isnt an option at the moment as i work frontline nhs and he is caring for vulnerable relatives. So i called. I explained i was 100% sure of my decisions, and i was confident he would be too, but if he doesn't agree i hope he can respect my reasons and choices. And that i felt he had a right to know what was happening.

He agrees its for the best and he will support any choice i make. He offered to come with me but thats not for the best with the current situation.

Im glad ive told him, i agree telling his after isnt kind, and i dont think i could build a relationship on a secret.

I really do appreciate the support shown in this thread. Thank you all

OP posts:
SleepyNightOwl · 22/03/2020 18:20

If you don’t want to tell him you don’t have to. It may sound harsh but what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. If you’re fine with terminating (which it seems you are) then just do it, only tell him if you want to. You’re going to make the decision regardless of what he says.

SleepyNightOwl · 22/03/2020 18:21

Just seen your update. Sounds like all is well. Glad he is supportive.

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