To not tell a partner about termination

[maiafawnly]

Im pregnant. This is not good or planned. Im on the pill and have been for the best part of a decade. I cant remember missing one, the days on the pack match up. I havent been on other medication or vomiting. But how ever it has happened it has, and now i am most definitely about 5 weeks pregnant.

Im approaching 40 in a newish relationship (7 months and we live a fair distance apart, see each other a couple of times a month) i have three teenage children, a job i love, i start uni in sept to progress in the job i love. I have independence and freedom. I love how my life is. I have plans and goals. I absolutely do not want another child.

My partner has two teenage children, both the same gender, and although he has expressed he doesn't want more children, he has talked about being sad at not having a child of the opposite gender on one occasion.

A termination isnt up for discussion. Im already booked into the clinic this week for the first appointment. I dont want to talk about it i just want it over and finished. He has no idea as like i said, ive been on the pill for a long time with no other problems with it. I cant face the thought of him possibly disagreeing, no matter how slim that could be. But then i feel out of respect for him and our relationship he should know, hes a good man, i really like him, but this cant happen.

I honestly dont know what to do. Keep it to myself. Tell him now. On the day. After? I just dont want a conversation or to have to justify my decision regardless of knowing this is right for not only myself, but for the relationship we have at the minute.

Help :(

What difference would it make to you if he knew ? I would never tell him

You have a mockery of a relationship if you don't have the morality to tell him beforehand. Your body your choice but decency should prevail.

The abortion is 100% your choice.. do what you like.

However how you can abort his baby in secret and continue in this relationship is beyond me, just awful behaviour. Secrets are wrong in a relationship but this is a whole other level

Don’t tell him. You already prevent pregnancies by being on the pill, you are just preventing a pregnancy via termination.

You don’t want a baby. End of. There is really no point telling him and making him agonise over it etc.

There is no obligation to tell him, and no obligation to feel guilty in any way. Its not a baby and not 'half him' it's an unwanted cluster of cells.

Your body your choice, always.

I would not tell him and wouldn't give it another thought once it's over. You've not been together long, he doesn't need to know. If you lived together that would make it more complicated but as it stands there's no reason to ever mention it.

I wouldn't tell him given your circumstances but either tell him before or not at all, telling him after would be worse IMO

Absolutely your body your choice

I wouldn’t tell him. I should have got an abortion, but told DH and he talked me out of it. I regret my choice regularly despite loving my DS to bits. I was really resentful of him for months after he was born.

Yabu not to share this information beforehand.

Not sharing really says that the relationship is doomed of you won't share something as major as this.

That doesn't mean that he has to agree and you pursue the abortion you want.

I agree with a pp that he doesn't actually have a right to know.

Don't tell him

DEf tell him before, If it breaks the relationship, it breaks it. Ofcourse he has a right to know that his long term girlfriend. (You sy partner) Is aborting the child you made together. Really doesn,t sound like a partnership. Not saying you shouldn,t abort bu don,t keep it from him.

Absolutely your body, your choice, and therefore no reason at all to tell him.

Don't tell him before, he might put pressure on you or guilt trip you, and that's the last thing you need.

You can tell him after though so he can support you.

I never understand why people think it's better and fairer for the man to be told in situations like this. As he doesn't get a say, it doesn't seem particularly kind to tell him all about a decision he doesn't have any control over and might possibly be upset about.

I'm not saying there are no good reasons why that information might be shared even in a relatively casual relationship: not wanting it to come up later and be seen as a secret, potential for support etc. But a right to know about a decision you have no right to input in and that could actually make you unhappy, no.

Your choice. Seven months in you’re not obliged to inform him, it’s still a new and fairly causal relationship after all.

I’d never be able to live with the deceit personally. I agree that it’s your body, your choice, but I think he should know. Book your appointment and tell him your plan. As June said, if you break up over this che sarà. But at least you’ve not lied.

She hasn't lied if she has an abortion and doesn't tell him. It would only be a lie if she then claimed not to have had one.

I would tell him before but be prepared to go ahead regardless. If this relationship has a future you need to have honesty and trust, if he’s the good man you believe him to be he’ll support your right to choose whatever his opinion is. Give him the chance. If he doesn’t support you or can’t deal with the situation with maturity then you’ve had a lucky escape in more ways than one.

@Moodymagpie

No, this is not a child, this is a collection of cells, that the op doesnt want.

If you want to tell him, thats fine, but start the conversation with, I do not want to have a child, I am booked in for a termination. That way he wont feel any hope that you may keep the pregnancy

If you dotn want to tell him, treat it like you are going for the morning after pill

ur choice

I'd tell him afterwards, when you next meet

That way you carry out your decision about your body without delay or debate
but you aren't keeping it a longterm secret from him

I think if you feel you don't want to tell him because he might cause you some grief over the decision then he's probably not a long term proposition, but of course you don't need to tell him if you don't want to.

Don't tell him. You don't live together. Lots of people think they would like a child of a different sex to what they have but that is just vague thinking, it doesn't mean they would really want to go through the baby stage again or are unhappy.

Your life ahead sounds pretty good and as you say, you have teenage children. It's your body and it would be your life most affected by a baby. Don't tell anyone in real life and make sure it doesn't happen again!

Good luck.

This is a form of emergency contraception

This is ridiculous. It’s a termination full stop and a very common time to get it done.

If you see this relationship as long-term you should tell him, because it’s quite a thing to keep to yourself.

But if you don’t see it lasting I think it would complicate matters.

Stick to your guns, do as think best, too many babies are born to people who don’t really want them, I’m also against the shot gun wedding as well, worst reason ever to get married.