Pregnant and PH called me a "F**king idiot"

[RainMinusBow]

So it's a highly stressful time for both of us. He has just has emergency spinal surgery and has a catheter in situ. I'm 29 weeks' pregnant and have significant health anxiety for years, made worse by all of this going on at the moment.

I work in a large primary school as a 1:1 HLTA and on the advice of my MW and GP have been advised to "work from home" (which I can't really do in my role).

I've called the school office twice and asked if the HT can call me. I've also sent her a detailed email explaining the situation. Have heard nothing as yet.

When I told my OH this he started shouting said I should be calling until I can get through to her and that I was a "f**king idiot". I asked him calmly to stop because mentally I am feeling very poorly again but he carried on. I asked him to stop several times. He has now walked out of the house.

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

AiBU to think he is being out of order?

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

This just gave me chills. This is not normal.

Just because he's recovering from surgery doesn't give him the right to talk to you like that, YANBU and I wouldn't be accepting his apology when he returns

You both sound stressed so not surprising one of you would lash out .
It’s the “I’m pregnant and he swore at me” bit that’s a tad dramatic, you’re being too sensitive.

I'm not really sure what you've done that makes you an idiot? Either he's highly stressed and taking it out on you (not ok) or he's an abusive cunt. Did he pull this shit before the world descended into chaos?

I assume he is in pain and scared - but ‘as usual’?

Sort out the immediate issues - the ‘as usual’ needs thinking about though.

If the head doesn’t respond put in writing what you are going to do and that the so orc has recommended this.

Just to clarify, he's got so angry that he's left the house after shouting abuse at you, because... and this is where I'm confused. Could you explain a bit more why he's so angry?

Not that it matters really, he shouldn't be shouting at you like that. Is this his normal way of communicating?

Do you know who this reminds me of

Geoff and Yasmeen in Coronation Street 😔 he does this exact thing to her.

It’s horrible OP

I'm impressed he was able to walk out having only just had emergency spinal surgery and a catheter. Is it safe for him to be out?

Whatever surgery he has had doesn't give him an excuse to be aggressive.

It sounds like this is not out of the ordinary however - this has happened before?

@Ohfeckohfuckohshit He tries to make it sound like it's my fault because I'm very anxious. He's done it before. My own mother sides with him and says it's because "I can be frustrating."

If I'm honest I think his main worry is I won't get paid (I earn £9.50 ph). I said this and it hit a nerve so sadly I think there's so truth in it. He wants me to go into school and see the HT. I'm worried about doing this as I'm trying to keep the baby safe.

Your dh sounds like someone who doesn't handle stress well.
Does he often speak to you like this?
I think when he's calmed down you need to tell him that his behaviour is disrespectful and hurtful.
Ask him if he talks to work colleagues in that way.

You'll both be even more stressed when the baby arrives so your dh needs to learn how to control his frustration and not vent at you.

If he does come back saying that say ‘that’s all very well but it isn’t acceptable to talk to me like that for any reason. We have difficult times ahead and we need to be able to talk to each other without lashing out’

And each talk, and listen, about what each of you can do to change the communication.

But keep your bottom line: he need to work out how he takes responsibility for not using abusive language and blame.

He was totally out of order.

Also living with someone else’s anxiety is stressful.

People will say ‘leave him’ , which is simply not practical at present.

Change the way you communicate, recognise and respect your own and each other’s thresholds.

It’s the “I’m pregnant and he swore at me” bit that’s a tad dramatic, you’re being too sensitive.

I disagree. Many people find verbal abuse within relationships unacceptable. OP does not have to tolerate being sworn at.

Secondly, the way that OP reports him blaming his behaviour on her. He's not saying "I'm sorry I lost my temper, that was unacceptable of me, I'll try not do it again", he's saying "you made me do it", which is an abuser's mantra.

Is this an isolated (boom boom) incident, OP?

Yes, he does get verbally angry at time. He puts it down to "frustration".

I accept I am not very well mentally and that this can be frustrating for others. But tbh I feel like with everything at the moment this is not unexpected.

I also don't think it gives him the right to shout and swear at me. People that love each other might feel cross at one another, but surely they don't call them an "effing idiot" when they can see they are not well?

I'm seeing my homebirth mw tonight and don't know if I should say anything to her? He will be there.

Practically speaking, if your HT is uncooperative (and let's give them a chance to reply, they probably have quite a bit on atm) your GP may well be happy to sign you off in the circumstances.

I'm seeing my homebirth mw tonight and don't know if I should say anything to her? He will be there.

Ask him to leave the room so you can talk to her in private.

Yes you absolutely should tell your midwife. Ask him to leave the room because she needs to examine you and you want it done in private. Your midwife should twig that you need a private conversation and back you up on this.

@Tableclothing Thank you, that's exactly what I think re the HT - she must be inundated atm. Hence why I have emailed her and asked the office to pass on my message rather than banging at her door. But this is not good enough for the OH.

Like someone said, the stress is going to get worse when baby is here. I have two boys (12 and 10) from my marriage too. He has no children and I worry he doesn't understand how life - changing a baby is. I'm 39 and he's 44 so not exactly young patents either.

@Tableclothing I can't ask him to leave the room because he will know what I'm talking about. I think I moght just say I'm front of him that he's getting angry at me.

How does one walk out of the house after spinal surgery whilst wearing a catheter?

He's a cunt. He's no right to talk to you like that. Was the baby planned, could he be getting cold feet?

Did you use the word poorly?

Just be factual, rather than dramatic.

"I'm pregnant, not feeling great and I'm following guidance of HCP and staying home. And that's final"

No need to be a martyr or use infantile wording.

Just facts.

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

My ex used to say this. Eventually he pushed me down the stairs because he found me so frustrating.

@penisbeakers He's got a leg bag so it's portable. Don't know what the technical term is but he had a spinal disc cut out?

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou I said I was feeling mentally unwell again.