Pregnant and PH called me a "F**king idiot"

[RainMinusBow]

So it's a highly stressful time for both of us. He has just has emergency spinal surgery and has a catheter in situ. I'm 29 weeks' pregnant and have significant health anxiety for years, made worse by all of this going on at the moment.

I work in a large primary school as a 1:1 HLTA and on the advice of my MW and GP have been advised to "work from home" (which I can't really do in my role).

I've called the school office twice and asked if the HT can call me. I've also sent her a detailed email explaining the situation. Have heard nothing as yet.

When I told my OH this he started shouting said I should be calling until I can get through to her and that I was a "f**king idiot". I asked him calmly to stop because mentally I am feeling very poorly again but he carried on. I asked him to stop several times. He has now walked out of the house.

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

AiBU to think he is being out of order?

Why is health anxiety an excuse for frustrating behaviour? (Which OP admits is a problem, her mum says it's a problem and her partner says it's a problem). But worries over finances are not an excuse for frustrating behaviour?

Financial issues cause a huge amount of stress, with a baby on the way, a virus threatening jobs... that's a huge amount of stress. But we're not taking that into consideration when looking at us reaction?

His behaviour is completely OTT. Stress and worry can explain a certain amount of it, but it's still not okay.

I am interested though over what time period did you call the office twice and email? Was it over 2 days or 2 weeks? Again, I emphasise that I don't consider his response okay, but I am wondering if you have demonstrated any sense of urgency or are so relaxed and laid back about it that he's freaking out. In which case, I would argue you both have work to do to sort things out.

You are not being unreasonable! Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that! Also if he walked out the house he is obviously well on the road to recovery so don't let that be his excuse! Sending you a hug xx

Why are you working as a TA if you’re a teacher? If your finances are in such dire straits then it would seem sensible to start looking for a teaching job to go back to in September. That way you can dump the abusive twat and re-build a career to support your children.

@Weregoingonanadventure Yes. I'm primary trained and quite a lot of families look for extra tutoring during holidays, esp if child or children need extra support catching up for any reason. Six weeks break is a popular time as child can then be supported over long break to become a little more prepared for the new academic year ahead.

Like I say, we get by on no benefits or any other support or maintenance whatsoever. It will just be tight as my OH only earns around £1,400 - £1,500 pm.

This is an incredibly tense time for everyone. I snapped at my partner last week, really lost my temper. We have been together for 7 years and I've probably shouted 3 times. He never has, or maybe once. I was really scared, and I have since unreservedly apologised.

You have a HUGE amount on, and so does he, pregnancy, surgery and a bloody pandemic, plus job/money pressure. Many couples are going to crumble under the stress of just one of these.

There's not much you can do about it right now. Try and talk to him and empathise, maybe he will too. If not look after yourself and you can make big decisions about whether to stay with someone who talks to you like that later.

Budgets in education mean that qualified teachers can't get jobs! Heads are having to employ less expensive staff. I've applied for about 50 teaching posts previously. Some Heads have been honest (I've called them when I haven't even got to interview) and they've said no money in budgets right now to employ a teacher with my experience and qualifications sadly. HLTA's are being used for class cover and to cover teacher's planning time now that this is allowed. Much cheaper option.

@BlingLoving A call first thing both today and yesterday. Two emails sent yesterday.

Oh that’s really frustrating.

I would be falling apart if I had the thought that I might have to support my partner, a new baby and her 2 kids on £1500 a month.
I can understand why he is.

Have you followed your school's procedure for calling in sick? How many days have you been off without actually speak to your HT?

You've been in contact with them at least, even if not speaking to her directly, but I can still see why he is so anxious. You're clearly very focused on health stuff, and probably have been for quite a while, but you're not focused on the practical stuff like making sure you keep your job.

Cross posted.

It is. Basically I'm doing a lot of teaching for £9.50 p/h!!!

I've left messages and emails for her to call me back. Second day off. Both MW and GP said not to go in. HT not yet made contact.

LTB

Yes, have notified the office first thing on both days.

You are entitled to speak privately to your midwife. What you are saying is that if you do, he will "interrogate" you about the conversation.

This is NOT OKAY.

You need to OUT his awful behaviour. If you are afraid of the consequences, then you need to admit that you are living in fear.

Please keep help.

He sounds awful, intimidating a pregnant woman with anxiety. I would seriously be making a plan to leave.

He will not be helping your anxiety- you'd feel better without him around.

OP, you should have left this man when he threw your children’s belongings on the front lawn during an argument.
Your multiple posts about this relationship show he is not ok. Yet you planned a pregnancy with him.
For gods sake, for the sake of your baby, leave this man.

You’ve done all you need to do.
The head is probably trying to find cover for all the staff who are off, possibly covering a class themselves whilst also liaising with the LA about closure and when they can do one.

OP, you should have left this man when he threw your children’s belongings on the front lawn during an argument

This.

You must do what you need to OP, but I just want to say that the thing that made me leave my first husband was the moment he came in and spoke aggressively to me while I was lying in bed with a horrible cough and high temperature. I felt like sleeping for a week. And there he was moaning about how I was lying around and annoying him with my "disgusting" cough.

I replied that he was not to speak to me like that and I made plans and left a week later.
Obviously that was not the one and only reason but that was the turning point.

Sympathy and help is what you need OP, not selfish behaviour.

Find out how much you could get in benefits and manage without him.

Perhaps he could move in with your mum if she likes him so much.

‘Because I want to. I am pregnant. I want to speak to my midwife on my own’.

Practically, I suggest that you do not mention your request until you are about to go into the room with your midwife &/or if he is there, ask in front of him to speak with midwife on your own. You can reasonably say that you want to share your health anxieties with your midwife.

His reaction to this simple reasonable request & assertion of your autonomy will be important.

If he insists on finding out what you spoke about, then say you spoke of your worries.

HOWEVER, underpinning all this is your need to ‘out’ how you are living with your midwife &/or trusted Health Care Professional.

I can describe a case where you partner is overwhelmed by his own concerns & anxieties, & that this may badly affect his behaviours towards you, BUT I & other MNetters are not getting this vibe. Take a moment to reflect if this is a reasonable assumption.

Counter this with the known patterns of abusive behaviours that start or intensify during a woman’s pregnancy. This is why midwives & HCPs ask these questions & also pick up on subtle tells.

You do not want him on your child’s birth certificate, you do not want his child to be registered with his surname. You do not want this man at all it seems. Why?

Act now by sharing with your midwife.
Ring her.

You are" not very well mentally" because your mother doesn't (didn't ever??) support you and nor does your husband.

Years ago a friend of mine was married and as she and her DH were doing some DIY together, she made a mistake and he swore at her. It wasn't an isolated incident. she told me that in that moment she thought to herself, is this the life i want? is this how i want to be spoken to? do i want children with a man who speaks to me this way?
she divorced him and lived happily enough ever after.

You are worthy of love and support. Particularly during pregnancy. Are you speaking to HIM like that while he feels less than 100%?
we can all be frustrating. we can all lose it at times but what you are going through sounds like a drip drip of gas lighting and sadness.

good luck OP x

My first thought was that he lashed out because of money. He doesn’t want you to be unpaid (meaning he would lose and and be in a vulnerable position) and I see you mention it’s about the money.

The way he vented his frustration is vile though. You don’t need to be the butt of that. There will be so many other uncertain situations coming for you personally (the baby) and for us all generally. He doesn’t sound as if he’s going to get any nicer.

Doesn't your contract cover you for full pAy at the min?

Have you checked the UC calculator to make sure you are claiming everything. I'd also run it as a single parent - you might be surprised.