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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and PH called me a "F**king idiot"

107 replies

RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 08:01

So it's a highly stressful time for both of us. He has just has emergency spinal surgery and has a catheter in situ. I'm 29 weeks' pregnant and have significant health anxiety for years, made worse by all of this going on at the moment.

I work in a large primary school as a 1:1 HLTA and on the advice of my MW and GP have been advised to "work from home" (which I can't really do in my role).

I've called the school office twice and asked if the HT can call me. I've also sent her a detailed email explaining the situation. Have heard nothing as yet.

When I told my OH this he started shouting said I should be calling until I can get through to her and that I was a "f**king idiot". I asked him calmly to stop because mentally I am feeling very poorly again but he carried on. I asked him to stop several times. He has now walked out of the house.

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

AiBU to think he is being out of order?

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 08:29

@pinkyredrose Yes, she was. It will be his first (and last!)

OP posts:
slashlover · 18/03/2020 08:29

What did your MW and GP advise when you told them you couldn't work from home? Did they say to continue working or to self isolate? Are you getting help for your anxiety?

PersephoneandHades · 18/03/2020 08:30

He should not be normalising verbally abusing you.

Neverender · 18/03/2020 08:32

Be honest and tell her everything - he's clearly struggling. Don't keep his behaviour a secret.

RB68 · 18/03/2020 08:33

Response is that the frustration is his issue not yours and getting angry wont change anything. He needs to leave you to deal with your stuff and stop poking his nose in. You need to stop involving him where you can.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 08:34

@slashlover They both said the risks outweigh the benefits and not to go in - particularly owing to the fact that it's a very large or and I'm in my third trimester.

I've tried getting help for years and have had some counselling. I think I coped really well with this pregnancy up until now but the coronavirus situation and OH's surgery have unsurprisingly made it bad again.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 08:36

@Neverender Yes, I will do. I left my ex-husband because he was an abuser and this time I'm not going to be afraid to speak out.

OP posts:
MargotsLine · 18/03/2020 08:36

Does he find fault with everything you do or just this particular thing? I think you are right not to keep ringing until you get through. The email will suffice.

He doesn't get to treat you like shit then just walk back in and acting like everything is normal. I bet he gets frustrated at other people but he would not be swearing at them. Why are you the exception?

Tell your MW everything, do not keep this a secret. You will not be the first person to have a partner treat her like shit whilst pregnant.

incognitomum · 18/03/2020 08:38

It's good that you won't put up with it as life is going to be extra stressful for you soon. Plus your dcs don't want to be in that environment.

Hopefully you speaking up with mw there will shock him.

NoProblem123 · 18/03/2020 08:40

As usual Hmm

Elsiebear90 · 18/03/2020 08:42

Could he be frustrated because he’s just had spinal surgery, has a catheter, but your anxiety is kicking in so you’re focussed on yourself and your issue? I have anxiety myself, so I know when I’m particularly anxious I get wrapped up in my own worries and I forget about what’s going on with other people or that they may have it worse than me, you can kind of lose perspective as your worries take over.

I can see how if he’s just had major surgery yet you’re currently obsessing about yourself and talking to him about your health worries and work etc that could really frustrate him.

Ohfeckohfuckohshit · 18/03/2020 08:44

Do you know what makes you feel mentally unwell? A dismissive partner who belittles your feelings and deems you "frustrating" and a mother who then sides with that person. Two people who are supposed to show unconditional love and respect you.

I've been there and you have no idea how much healthier you are when you aren't being undermined and having your self esteem chipped away at quietly.

Get. Away. From. Them.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 08:46

@MargotsLine Because he handles things very differently to me he can't see others don't always do what he would. He is often thinks he knows best.

I've worked in primary education for 15 years and I know how best to manage Headteachers. I have faith she will get back to me when she is able because she is a very supportive and considerate employer.

I don't understand why he is so desperate that she responds immediately? I think is partly to do with money because he doesn't earn much more than me and has debt from a previous relationship.

Again, going to be even tighter when I'm on my 9 months mat leave but I am hoping to find another job (self employed if allowed to be whilst on leave?) so I can cover bills etc.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2020 08:49

You sound already afraid to speak out when it comes to him. Some abusive men like supposedly strong women as well because it provides them with an additional challenge to take down.

It sounds like you left one abusive individual only to go into a relationship with yet another abuser. Your own boundaries, shaken already by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this individual now. I would seriously consider giving this child your surname going forward and make plans to leave him. I would also look into enrolling yourself onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this is for women who have previously been in abusive relationships.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/03/2020 08:51

Get the dickhead to read this, especially the bit where it says pregnant women should reduce contact. Then consider if things are going to get any better, now that you’re pregnant, because all the literature on abusive men shows that they ramp up the abuse during pregnancy and then after a baby comes into the mix.

His language is very manipulative and the fact that you know he’s going to spin the same bullshite is very worrying. The verbal abuse, followed up by the apology that actually is worded in such a way that YOU are responsible for his abuse. Be careful OP and consider if you want to be with someone who verbally abuses you and tries to make it your fault. Your mother has trained you into the submissive roll very well, the oul fucker.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/03/2020 08:51

Oops. I mean this!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51925455

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2020 08:54

Pregnancy and or birth are times too when abusers start to ramp up the power and control against their chosen target.

Re your comment:-
"Again, going to be even tighter when I'm on my 9 months mat leave but I am hoping to find another job (self employed if allowed to be whilst on leave?) so I can cover bills etc."

What was his financial situation like prior to surgery?. Are you expected by him to pay "your" share of the bills from your scant level of maternity pay?

What's his relationship history like?.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 08:55

@AttilaTheMeerkat She's definitely having my surname and I'm not marrying him!

He's insistent on being named as father on the birth certificate though?

OP posts:
Ihaveanokamountoftoiletpaper · 18/03/2020 08:56

Op are you not well mentally or are you just living with an unsupportive prick?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2020 08:56

You have indeed been conditioned/trained into being submissive and accepting abuse from childhood. Its of no real surprise to me that your ex was abusive. And your mother is very much like this current bloke; an abuser too. She sees a kindred spirit in him and your mother is certainly not someone you can at all rely upon.

Bibidy · 18/03/2020 08:57

I don't think he should have shouted and sworn at you, but at the same time it must be hard for you both to be cooped up together, especially when you're both really stressed, so I can see why someone would snap.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/03/2020 09:04

@AttilaTheMeerkat He was married for about ten years, they couldn't have children. She turned out to be gay and left him for a woman.

He then was in another long-term relationship where tbf she was a nightmare and he was basically childcare for her three young kids. He got into debt paying for them.

He will put some money into my account but yes, I will still have to contribute to bills etc. Rent alone is £850 pm so realistically I'm going to have to look for work if I'm allowed whilst on mat leave as mat pay won't cover everything. I also have the two boys to support and get no maintenance as it's 50/50 with wealthy ex-husband.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/03/2020 09:08

Aww the poor man. What’s the chances that in both his previous relationships , the women were awful and now you’re ‘frustrating’. Wake up OP, he’s a dick and he’s going to ramp up his mistreatment of you and your wicked mother will side with him, because she can then justify her behaviour towards you.

LucyAutumn · 18/03/2020 09:09

This is worrying OP, the way he talks to you is aggressive and blaming you is so wrong and abusive Sad

ArthurandJessie · 18/03/2020 09:11

If he's the father he should be on the certificate however you feel about him or whatever your relationship with him don't get in the way of them having a relationship and his parental rights its petty

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