Pregnant and PH called me a "F**king idiot"

[RainMinusBow]

So it's a highly stressful time for both of us. He has just has emergency spinal surgery and has a catheter in situ. I'm 29 weeks' pregnant and have significant health anxiety for years, made worse by all of this going on at the moment.

I work in a large primary school as a 1:1 HLTA and on the advice of my MW and GP have been advised to "work from home" (which I can't really do in my role).

I've called the school office twice and asked if the HT can call me. I've also sent her a detailed email explaining the situation. Have heard nothing as yet.

When I told my OH this he started shouting said I should be calling until I can get through to her and that I was a "f**king idiot". I asked him calmly to stop because mentally I am feeling very poorly again but he carried on. I asked him to stop several times. He has now walked out of the house.

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

AiBU to think he is being out of order?

You have posted about him before.
You know he’s abusive.
Leave him this time.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily At no point did I say his first wife was awful - I really like her! Have met her a few times as they have remained friends and she's a really caring woman. I'd say she was needy (as in always seeking a relationship over being by herself for any period of time), but she's definitely a very genuine person.

@ArthurandJessie Of course. We're not married so hopefully things would be easier should we split in the future anyway.

I see he's got his sob stories in place. Ha!
An apology with a qualifier isn't an apology at all. Just a way to turn it back on you.

I'd be getting rid if it were me. He sounds like a dick.

Be prepared to be the latest in a long line of women who 'done him wrong'

Prats like this are always the 'innocent victim.'

Sounds to me like you had a row and you're being v over sensitive

What you describe as a singular instance would be hurtful and upsetting but not a deal breaker. You could tell him he hurt you, he’d apologise and say his pain and the worry about you and the baby made him lash out and he knows he’s wrong.

But this is clearly a pattern of behaviour, isn’t it? He blames and attacks you for your (legitimate) worries - even if you weren’t pregnant I think COVID is on most people’s minds?

Why is it always the ex who is the problem with these kinds of men? You deserve better OP. I’d imagine so many men across the country are very worried about their pregnant wives at this point in time.

Can’t you leave and stay with family? This is going to be a nightmare in terms of self isolation with a verbally abusive partner.

You MUST think of yourself and your baby. Please do this. I was “the baby” in your situation (except my father was also physically abusive to my mother) and then years later, the lovely man I married BECAME abusive when I was pregnant. Turned out, he’d got cold feet and didn’t want me OR our son. T all ended with him becoming physically abusive. The odd push. An occasional shove. Till I was bruised and broken and eventually on my own with a three yr old son.

Sort this out NOW. For you and your child.

I think it depends on the relationship tbh. If DP and I were annoyed either each other we'd often call each other a fucking idiot.

But it doesn't hurt any of our feelings and we always apologise afterwards so we're ok with it.

That doesn't mean you have to be ok with it. I do think you should find it unacceptable or acceptable whether you're pregnant or not. I don't really see how that makes a difference.

You keep saying you're 'mentally unwell' in what way?

@TheLadyAnneNeville The only family I have are elderly parents who think the sun shines out his backside - they wouldn't have me. It would be my fault I'm getting shouted at.

I do have an older brother but he's autistic so can't help.

It depends if he shouts at you regularly. You are both in stressful situations already in what is a very stressful time for us all. Sending you best wishes. 💐

Sounds to me like you had a row and you're being v over sensitive

No it doesn't, if my partner spoke to me like that I'd be pretty upset too

Very relieved to hear that you'll tell her everything RainMinusBow

Speak with your midwife alone.
That you have any reluctance or hesitation to do is your personal alert.

@CorianderLord I've suffered from health anxiety for years - it first started when my ex-husband started abusing me and continued when he got 50/50 custody of our two small boys (they were 3 and 6 when I left him).

Last year my mother was suddenly and very unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage 3 womb cancer at the age of 60. This again triggered my anxiety.

I was coping well with this pregnancy but then OH became ill resulting in emergency surgery and catheter (not known if his bladder function will return) and of course having the whole coronavirus thing and now being told to socially distance for 12 weeks has made things worse.

Work is my "safe place" mentally as it were and now I'm wondering if I should go in until the government definitely say not to? I know my mw and GP have said work from home but I can't!

@UniversalAunt But what do I tell him when he asks me why I want to do that or what I said?

@RainMinusBow

If you're getting SMP then you cant work for someone else, so you cant look for work whilst on maternity leave to help cover the bills. Are you seriously saying you already have 2 kids yourself, your partner has debt, you're both on low wages and now you're having a baby when you know you wont be able to pay for everything during mat leave? And your plan is to work another job... which you legally cant do it?

You've got bigger problems here than a fight with your partner.

@Weregoingonanadventure Looking into it I can go self-employed.

Between us we can cover everything, we both work ft (well I should be currently but awaiting official advice) but it will be a struggle. We get no benefits and nothing in way of maintenance.

Go self employed doing what? Do you have a business already up and running? A skill people will pay you for from the moment you open business if you're just starting out?

You said earlier than you will need to look for work because you wont both wont be able to cover everything while you're on leave.

People always think going self employed means money will start coming in as soon as you announce whatever your service is. It isnt like that.

I'm a qualified teacher with 15 years experience and a specialist in SEN and LAC education. I've done private tutoring before and been inundated so hoping it will be the same. But of course now we have the Coronavirus issue! A couple of hours work is around £60-70 so worth looking into I think?

You're focussing on your health anxiety and a fight with your partner. You should be focussing on how you're going to support your 3 kids. That's what matters right now.

Your partner has just had major surgery, and is still recovering and you're letting your anxiety affect the household. Obvisouly the midwife telling you not to go into work is a genuine concern, but how have you been up to that? Have you been allowing your health anxiety to spill over into the family home? Is your partner maybe at the end of his tether with it?
If this is the first issue from it then his reaction is way off kilter, but if you've been going on and on then this might have tipped him over the edge.

It doesnr sound like you're taking the financial concern seriously. You said it touched a nerve when you accused him of being worried about money, as if he's doing something wrong by worrying. By the sounds of it, he is right to be worried. Surgery, dealing with your anxiety, and now trying to think through impending financial problems... that's a lot to deal with. Calling you a fucking idiot wasnt nice, but I dont see it as end of relationship worthy.

I havjt ready your other posts so no idea if this is a pattern, or if he can usually be worse. But just from what youge said here, it sounds like he has a lot of worries and you are actually being very frustrating.

You need a solid financial plan every time you have a baby. You dont have that right now. You should sit down and sort that out. Take that stress away

Is tutoring really in demand during the summer months? You'll be on mat leave over the holidays, and beginning of the new school year. Arent tutors inundated once the kids have settled into their subjects?

Sounds to me like you had a row and you're being v over sensitive

Maybe you missed the key giveaway in her OP where she wrote:

When he returns I will get the usual: "I love you so much but I find you frustrating".

"Usual" clearly implies this is not an isolated incident, rather something he is prone to. The gaslighting just adds even more to the likelihood of him being a serial abuser.

You poor thing. You need to leave him but you know that. Good luck.

Playing devils advocate. I live with someone who has health anxiety and it is so incredibly draining and frustrating and ended up making me so stressed (10 years non stop worth) I ended up so ill and signed off work for months because of how ill the stress of it made me.
At the same time you are pregnant and he should be more sensitive to your anxiety levels at this time and should not be shouting at you and calling you an idiot for it