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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I arranged a sleepover and the parent went out!

152 replies

Bythebeachtoo · 17/03/2020 14:14

Don’t worry it’s not as bad as it sounds but it bothered me and I don’t know if it should.
My son (aged 9) begged me for a sleepover at other boys house and after talking to his mum we agreed and made the arrangements. I later found out that the parent went out for the evening and left the children with a trusted family member but someone I don’t know and have never met. This was never relayed to me and wasn’t part of the agreement. Would you arrange a sleepover and not be there?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 17/03/2020 16:19

Many children have been sexually abused by a "trusted family member" who gained unsupervised access by offering to babysit.

cheeseandpineapple · 17/03/2020 16:20

Would you arrange a sleepover and not be there?

When my children were aged 9 no, I would either be there or if I planned to be out and have someone else babysit I would let the parent know and make sure they were ok with my plans and would have understood if they weren’t on board with it.

Standrewsschool · 17/03/2020 16:36

Apart from in an emergency (such as ill dog), I would expect to be at home if I had children around for sleepover.

Redwinestillfine · 17/03/2020 16:40

Completely unacceptable. I wouldn't be allowing my child to go for a sleepover there again.

Original poster
Bythebeachtoo · 17/03/2020 16:48

@RedskyAtnight I think I may have not been clear in my original post....apologies. I definitely did not ask the parents to take my son. They have been asking each other for a while now and we just couldn’t match dates so I sort of forgot about it until the other parent messaged me asking if my son would like to stay over. I was more than happy to have them at mine so that was never an issue. Needless to say the kids were over the moon when we finally made plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythebeachtoo · 17/03/2020 16:52

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily sorry it was a few weeks ago. X

OP posts:
Ydl22 · 17/03/2020 16:56

This is unacceptable to me. I know no harm was done but I would not be letting her stay there again. My dd would be very uncomfortable staying over with someone she doesn’t know. Also, as pp has mentioned, most abuse happens by ‘trusted’ friends/family members. You have no idea who the person was. It’s not on

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 17/03/2020 17:04

Glad to hear it, OP. In that case, you’re definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed. 😁

Original poster
Bythebeachtoo · 17/03/2020 17:09

@2bazookas I’m so very sorry to hear that. It’s one of my biggest fears.

OP posts:
AliMonkey · 17/03/2020 17:11

If "trusted family member" was the dad then fine, that would be within my expectations for a sleepover. If anyone else then I would expect to be told first (unless it was eg just for 30 mins whilst they popped out) and was a "non-random" adult eg older brother, grandma.

EverythingChanges321 · 17/03/2020 17:12

YANBU. That’s just ridiculous parenting.
Could they not stay in for one night to supervise a sleepover?
If there was an emergency could the substitute adult contact you straight away?

NeckPainChairSearch · 17/03/2020 17:17

OP, who is the trusted family member?

Herpesfreesince03 · 17/03/2020 17:23

It depends on who the person was. I’ve left my children with their friends mums before, who has left them with their partners/sisters/mothers. I entrust my children to the household, I wouldn’t leave them with anyone who I think would expose them at all to someone untrustworthy. I had 2 children over last weekend, I went out for four hours during the day and left them with my partner who the parents had never met, he dropped them off without me too. No one had a problem

PardonWhat · 17/03/2020 17:25

Really really wouldn’t bother me.
I must be more laid back than I thought.

2Rebecca · 17/03/2020 17:48

If it was their spouse I wouldn't have a problem with it as I would regard the other child's parents as a unit although would have expected her to let you know. Any other relative who doesn't normally live their babysitting is odd and she should have said that date was no longer convenient

Rowan8 · 17/03/2020 18:42

I’ve never allowed a sleepover with someone I didn’t know let alone met. I actually don’t think I know anyone who would pull something like this.. maybe she did it purposely knowing she was going out and wanted another child around to keep hers company so the baby sitter could just watch TV ..

LynetteScavo · 17/03/2020 19:13

I don't know...if I had a child over for a sleepover no way would I go out.

When I worked as a live in nanny I often had children over for a sleepover and the other child's parents had never met me. They totally trusted that because of was the nanny of X I was totally trustworthy.

solarisbabe · 17/03/2020 19:19

YABU, if you let your son invite himself to a sleepover at a friend's house then you can't really object to what arrangements they make. You should have invited his friend to your house instead.

NeckPainChairSearch · 17/03/2020 19:47

OP, you've been asked about 10 times who the family member was. Since it's really relevant, can you tell us?

Original poster
Bythebeachtoo · 17/03/2020 21:06

The family member was her partner (not the father).
It’s bad wording on my part - the boys had been begging EACH OTHER. We tried to arrange something between us but because we couldn’t match dates I forgot about it until the parent MESSAGED ME. I was more than willing to have her son at mine. There was never an issue with child care on my part. It was things such as football practice (on our part) the next day or her son staying at his dads or grandparents that was the initial issue. I’ve never met her partner before I wouldn’t know him if I bumped in to him in Sainsbury’s....not that it’s even possible now.
Note to self: watch your wording in future Blush

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 17/03/2020 21:12

Not a problem here.

DS (12) had a friend over a few weeks ago and I asked the parents if they minded if we went out for a few drinks and left them at home. They said it was fine, we had our phones and were home by 10pm.

They then had DS the following week and did the same thing, checking with us that we were ok with them going out. They were out for longer and the kids were in bed when they got home, no damage done!

PicsInRed · 17/03/2020 21:13

Beyond unacceptable.

Would not allow further playdates.

MaintainTheMolehill · 17/03/2020 21:16

I would have been really annoyed, firstly because it wasn't the childs dad, it doesnt sound like your child knows him either but more importantly I couldn't trust her now as she omitted that she wouldn't be there - if she didn't see a problem with going out why wouldn't she just have said who would be watching the kids?

NeckPainChairSearch · 17/03/2020 21:35

I would be bloody annoyed at this. Total breach of trust. Did she omit to tell you because you wouldn't be happy?

NeckPainChairSearch · 17/03/2020 21:37

MrsJBaptiste your example differs from the OP's in virtually every way.