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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I arranged a sleepover and the parent went out!

152 replies

Bythebeachtoo · 17/03/2020 14:14

Don’t worry it’s not as bad as it sounds but it bothered me and I don’t know if it should.
My son (aged 9) begged me for a sleepover at other boys house and after talking to his mum we agreed and made the arrangements. I later found out that the parent went out for the evening and left the children with a trusted family member but someone I don’t know and have never met. This was never relayed to me and wasn’t part of the agreement. Would you arrange a sleepover and not be there?

OP posts:

pilates · 17/03/2020 15:12

No I wouldn’t

WinterCat · 17/03/2020 15:14

I think it depends who the family member was - their spouse/long term live in partner or their own parent who lives there would be fine. Their sibling popping round to effecting babysitting I wouldn’t be so happy about.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/03/2020 15:17

Who was the trusted family member?

IdblowJonSnow · 17/03/2020 15:20

Depends who it was but yes, that's not really on, emergencies aside.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 17/03/2020 15:20

I wouldn't ask a parent for a sleepover. They didn't offer the hospitality. That makes a difference, I think.

Lausch95 · 17/03/2020 15:27

Yanbu. I would have liked to be told beforehand.
If it was an emergency and the other mum needed someone to watch the kids at short notice that's different. Like you said, you didn't know this other person. I wouldn't send my child back there

Apolloanddaphne · 17/03/2020 15:32

My DD at age 10 started a new school and she was asked for a sleepover with a new friend. I said yes as I had met the mum a few times and she seemed nice.

At the time my older DD was working in a nearby restaurant. She came home from work and said the mum had been in the restaurant with her partner. The next day I asked DD who had been at home looking after. It seems that they had some uni students living in an annex and they were left in charge. I didn't say anything to the mum but she never went back there for a sleepover.

I do think a trusted family member is ok but she should have said something before you left your DC.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/03/2020 15:32

But in all reality, if your child was at risk being looked after by this person, it made no difference if the reason for not being present was an emergency or social gathering. So why is one acceptable but not the other?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2020 15:36

Considering that pretty much all the people I know who were sexually abused in childhood were by a 'trusted' male relative or friend, I wouldn't be happy. But you've been very careful not to say anything about the person so who knows.

Figgygal · 17/03/2020 15:37

No way would I have been happy with that
Complete abuse of trust

Glowcat · 17/03/2020 15:39

What MrsTerryPratchett said.

Davespecifico · 17/03/2020 15:43

Was she out for a significant part of the evening?
I remember when my daughter was about 5 or 6, she stayed over at her friend’s house. Her mum is lovely and she’d stayed before.
I arrived to pick her up to find she’d been looked after for an indeterminate amount of time, maybe overnight with her brother in law. He’s very sweet, but has SEN and is quite childlike. I arrived to find him peeling eggs for himself.
The girls were absolutely fine, I don’t think my daughter had eaten since tea, but didn’t notice because she was having such fun. I was a mixture of alarmed and C’est la vie.
Some people are just more casual than others about these things.

Mumdiva99 · 17/03/2020 15:44

My kids wouldn't be staying there again. If it was discussed with me first I would have had the choice about whether to let them stay. That would depend on how well I knew the parent and how well I trusted their judgement. To not tell you is not on.

Firsttimelottie · 17/03/2020 15:49

Definitely not ok!

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 15:53

As long as a responsible adult there I’d not have an issue.

Davespecifico · 17/03/2020 15:54

Looking back at your original post, I imagine the other mum already had plans for that night.
She might also have thought that she’d kill 2 birds with one stone- get childcare in but also company for her child.
All of that aside, it’s very naughty of her not to have asked you about the arrangement first, or simply arranged it for another time.
Also, I used to have children begging me to stay at mine. I think that’s typical, but bad manners too. I always told them that sounded nice but it would be up to the grown ups. One child used to beg me relentlessly, in front of her mum and her mum would just look at me waiting for me to cave so that she’d get a child free night.

Saxineno · 17/03/2020 15:58

Depends. Was the trusted family member the dad?

My kids have sleepovers and I go out, but dad is home. We love together and both do school runs and share all parenting responsibility

SunshineDays2019 · 17/03/2020 16:00

I bet her child has older siblings and the mother has become more casual. At the very least she should have let you know so you could make the choice as to whether you felt happy for your child to stay over or not.

Sally872 · 17/03/2020 16:01

If the trusted family member is the dad then yabu.

Mum doesnt have to announce she won't be there.

NeckPainChairSearch · 17/03/2020 16:03

I would never do that, and would be very pissed off if it was my child on the sleepover

This. Although the failure on the part of the parent to let me know would make me more concerned to be honest.

It would be very, very unusual for any of my/DC friends to do anything like that. I can't imagine it - we'd all be conscious of simply okay'ing things with each other.

Windyatthebeach · 17/03/2020 16:04

I raise you a 12 yo invited to a sleepover.
The dps went out leaving dd +friend babysitting 2 toddlers!!
I have always kept sleepovers to secondary school tbh.
But now the rows about sleepovers with alcohol have started...
Oh and dd's are 13 +14!!
Crazed world.

NeckPainChairSearch · 17/03/2020 16:06

p.s. cross posting with the 'okay if its dad' posts. I agree if my DC knows the dad. If they don't know them very well - for example one friend's dad works away - then no.

ElliePhillips · 17/03/2020 16:10

I agree completely with MrsTerryPratchett and others above. This is an absolute no-no and I would never let my child sleep over there again.

Unless she had a very good reason like the poster who had a dog health emergency and left the kids with the grandmother. That is fair enough and makes perfect sense but who is this "family friend" and why on earth did they arrange a sleepover on a night when they had social plans?! Mad.

BlingLoving · 17/03/2020 16:12

I think it' would have been polite for her to mention it but more because my DC can be a bit sensitive so I'd have needed to warn them that they're being looked after by someone else. I do think that once you pass your children into someone else's care you do need to, largely, accept that their decision making is what you're trusting. Including who they spend time with while they're with your children.

Would also like to know who was looking after the kids. Because if it was the child's dad or something then YADBU.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 17/03/2020 16:12

I’m more shocked that you happily sent your child on a sleepover in the middle of a pandemic. 🤔

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