I arranged a sleepover and the parent went out!

[Bythebeachtoo]

Don’t worry it’s not as bad as it sounds but it bothered me and I don’t know if it should.
My son (aged 9) begged me for a sleepover at other boys house and after talking to his mum we agreed and made the arrangements. I later found out that the parent went out for the evening and left the children with a trusted family member but someone I don’t know and have never met. This was never relayed to me and wasn’t part of the agreement. Would you arrange a sleepover and not be there?

[karalou2]

Good grief! I've never heard anything like this before!
The point isn't that it was a 'trusted friend' but to whom? What one person regarded as trusted, may not apply to someone else. And not to tell Mum is seriously out of order. The child she unknowingly left with a stranger is 9. Nine! Was it a man or woman? Did they interact with her child? They might have been a perfectly reasonable person but would you take a chance these days?
If it'd been an emergency that took the other Mother out, maybe that'd be different but even so, I'd have expected a quick call. Nothing is that much of an emergency when you're responsible for someone else's child.

[Bl3ss3dm0m]

Most child abusers are actually family members, or a friend of the family. Even if my child were a young teenager I would have wanted to at least know the name of the person in charge, and how the parent you arranged with knows them.

[CountryGirl1234]

I wouldn’t like that one bit.

[N0tJustY0ga]

This is fundamentally wrong. Someone is entrusting you to look after their child. If the trusted family member is truly nice & caring then there is no problem......but who give you the right to make that call for other people’s children!?

The trusted family member was probably fine....but there have been cases where trusted family members are doing no so trusted family member things (not saying this was the case but it has been known to happen).

So they should have at least contact you about it & given you the choice to pick up your child or to leave them there. It’s your child....not their call.

[cheeseandpineapple]

You say partner rather than step father, is the partner a recent boy friend? Do they all live together?

Hard to say whether the mother’s been unreasonable without more background info.

[ldj2019]

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

Tbh it sounds like you instigated the sleepover and pretty much invited yourself (well, your son) over. Which is a bit rude. You should have offered a sleepover at yours.

As you were a bit rude I think you have to suck it up.

I don't think you understand how kids arrange sleepovers.

It starts with Pete and Simon deciding they want to have a sleepover, and Pete being like "yeah you should come sleep over my house!" so Pete goes home and says "mum mum mum can Simon sleep over please please please" and then Simon goes home and says "mum mum mum can I go sleep over Pete's place please please please" and then the mums chat to arrange it. There's nothing here suggesting the OP 'instigated' it. You also have no way of knowing if the OP did offer to have the sleepover at their place.

[Icannotcope]

This personally wouldn't bother me.

[BreatheAndFocus]

I’d have been very pissed off. It wasn’t what you arranged and the other mum should have made it clear before you agreed.

(Obviously doesn’t apply to emergencies but this clearly wasn’t an emergency).

[pigeon999]

Absolutely not okay, she should have discussed it with you first so that you could make a decision. I would be reluctant to allow my children there again, additionally I would be much more careful around a parent like this, in my experience this kind of very relaxed parenting extends into other areas. I have had similar experiences with my dc when they were younger

Uncovered huge wells
Going out leaving children for a few hours
Letting them play outside when they were too young and not road aware
Playing in places with loads and loads of stinging nettles

It gets worse as they get older and the teens starting drinking etc. Just politely and quietly distance and save yourself the worry.

[Sparklesocks]

Seeing as it happened in March I’m sure OP has recovered...

[Notcontent]

I think it should bother everyone. “Trusted family member” - that’s completely meaningless. Trusted by whom?!

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I wouldn't be that impressed at the mum clearly knew she wasn't going to be in when she offered for the sleepover. Why not pick another date when she knew she would be there?

My dd went to a friend's for the friend's birthday and the plan was that they were going to go and do an activity, which required being driven there. When she got home, I found out the parents hadn't even gone and instead the child's uncle, who I had never met drove them there and back. My dd said that he had scared her with his driving.

I didn't say anything but she never went again.

[LittleMissRedHat]

@ldj2019

Why have you randomly resurrected this thread 3 months later?

[MillicentMartha]

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie 🧟‍♀️ zombie 🧟‍♂️

[Hillarious]

Wouldn't have bothered me, but we live in an area where, when my kids were this age, I was at the school daily and knew the parents of their friends and older and younger siblings relatively well. Sleepovers are always hard to agree to at this age, and I can understand reluctance - my reluctance being that I'd have to have their friends back there for sleepovers. However, if the OP really liked her son's friend, the son's mum and the family, she wouldn't be asking AIBU.

[DomDoesWotHeWants]

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

[Jaxhog]

An emergency arose on the night and she had no choice = excusable
Anything else = extremely unreasonable

[crazychemist]

It’s not something I’d do if hosting a sleepover. Depends why and how long they were out for whether it was reasonable. I wouldn’t be too impressed at a parent doing this if they hadn’t spoken to me about it first

[m0therofdragons]

That would bother me.
I arranged a sleep over for dd1 and then a meal I was due to go to was rescheduled and it clashed. I mentioned to the dc mum that I would be out 7-9pm but dh would be home with the girls (we have 3dds so he’s used to girls and completely competent and lovely so didn’t occur to me it would be an issue). The mum said no and cancelled. Dh felt awful that he wasn’t deemed good enough to look after a dc for 2 hours. That said, I’d never do that without mentioning it to the parent and it’s their choice. I’m sad the mum didn’t feel happy about dh being in charge but that’s her choice for her child.

[cabbageking]

No. Would anyone leave their loved one with a stranger?

[Sceptre86]

This is why I am not a fan of sleep overs. She should have mentioned she had a prior engagement and would be away some of the evening but someone else would be there for the kids. That way you could have considered it and politely declined if you wanted to. I wouldn't be sending my child there again for a sleepover.

I do agree with a previous poster that you have to trust another parents judgement if your child is in their care. This parent clearly thought their trusted family member was competent to take care of the children.

[Lou197]

Was this during lockdown?

[emmathedilemma]

I'm with you, I don't think this acceptable. It would be different if it was an emergency like had to take another child to hospital but you don't invite kids for a sleepover and not tell their parents who is looking after them.

[SingaporeSlinky]

I would be furious. I only allow sleepover where I know the parents (have at least met the dad, if only being friends with the mum) and know who else lives in the house. I’m entrusting my child to their care, and the ‘trusted adult’ is trusted by them, not automatically by extension, by me. Even if it was the other mum’s sister, mother or other woman, I’d still be annoyed, and expect them to not arrange a sleepover knowing she wouldn’t be in. If something came up, she should have told you, so you had the option to change the date, or at least give your consent to the new arrangement. I’d be sending a message to say I’m really not happy about it, and wouldn’t allow any more sleepovers there.