I arranged a sleepover and the parent went out!

[Bythebeachtoo]

Don’t worry it’s not as bad as it sounds but it bothered me and I don’t know if it should.
My son (aged 9) begged me for a sleepover at other boys house and after talking to his mum we agreed and made the arrangements. I later found out that the parent went out for the evening and left the children with a trusted family member but someone I don’t know and have never met. This was never relayed to me and wasn’t part of the agreement. Would you arrange a sleepover and not be there?

@Bythebeachtoo it is as bad as it sounds - I’d be absolutely fuming.

A trusted family member to who? Not you, them.

A random, unrelated, stranger to you, also male (which statistically is much more of a risk, even though everyone pretends it's not). Yeah, I'd be fucking incandescent.

Does he live there? So us effectively in loco parent us every time the mum goes out? How long have they been together? Honestly, if he lives there and they’ve been together for six year then he’s effectively his step dad.
I’d less impressed if he was a new shag mind.

It would bother me and I would tell her so. It's not her place to decide who to leave your child with. X

This would bother me. Although from your title, I was thinking about an incident we had

My then 9 year old daughter went to a new school friend for a sleep over. It was a few girls sleeping over. Another mother collected all the girls from school and dropped them off. As per usual, my daughter forgot something. So I drive over to drop it off (spoke only to my daughter on the phone for this).

I could not find the house. The houses had names, no numbers. I tried calling the mother’s mobile repeatedly and it went to voicemail. My daughter’s mobile battery died. I finally got specific details of the house from the mother who dropped them off (house name sign in gate, gate open and you can’t see the gate from the road, similar situation to a number of houses on the road).

Finally got to the house, rang bell only to be answered by this gaggle of girls. I was told mum was in the bath. I very uneasily left then.

Next morning, the mum rang me after hearing my various voicemail messages. She and her husband had gone out to dinner and left all the girls alone, with £30 to call and order pizza delivery. Never again. They’re from a Scandinavian country and the mother said this was acceptable where they’re from.

Could be worse, my 8 year old son went to a sleepover and the parent went out to the shop (6 miles away!) leaving the 11 year old sister in charge!!!

I wouldn't be happy. She might trust the family member but you don't know them so why would you trust them? And anyway, it wasn't unexpected like in the case of the PP who had to take her dog for an emergency appointment at the vet, so she should have given you the option to reschedule the sleepover.

I knew the ‘trusted adult’ would turn out to be a parent figure that you haven’t met. Would you be bothered if it was the boys father? How well do you know the mother?

A boy I know died in a house fire during a sleepover a while ago. The parent had gone out leaving the 18yo brother or cousin in charge, without informing the child's parent beforehand.

It depends how long she’s been with her partner - do they live together? Does he care for her son every day? If they’ve been together for years, has brought her son up, live together and effectively is the boys step dad, I would see this as no different from it being the boys father? If they were married would it have made a difference?
The trusted adult in this case is a bit different from asking say a distant cousin or work colleague to come over and babysit!

How would it have helped if the parent knew, in that situation @Roomba?

@EssexBint for the first time in 13 years on Mumsnet I've reported a comment. What a totally appalling way to talk to someone! Why wouldn't you assume a parent that invited a child to a sleepover would be the one looking after said child? And what has benefits got to do with anything?

Why exactly did you think a sleepover was a good idea when everyone is supposed to be social distancing????

@Mary54 RTFT.
the OP clarified last night that the sleepover happened weeks ago.

If this chap is effectively the child's step dad who is involved in his every day life then I fail to see a problem. If you'd knew only his dad and agreed to a sleepover then found out his dad's girlfriend/partner was in fact minding them would you have the same reaction? If he is just a recent boyfriend then yes, I'd be cross.

OP i would be very very pissed off.

She lied by omission.

She also took your choice away.

I would not trust her again.

I have had a similar -ish situation, when my child was having an evening with pal, there was a group of them.
The Mum had to visit her mother unexpectedly, she immediately sent out a group text, that her husband would be in charge.

That is what an on the ball parent does....and we all knew her husband well.
But she was being respectful.

I find it very dishonest.

Yes, you probably have learnt a lesson to specifically ask now in future if said parent will be in situ ,but it is really bloody annoying that you have to.

Any normal, decent parent, would not do this.

Trust in that womens judgement would be gone for me.

If this chap is effectively the child's step dad who is involved in his every day life then I fail to see a problem. If you'd knew only his dad and agreed to a sleepover then found out his dad's girlfriend/partner was in fact minding them would you have the same reaction? If he is just a recent boyfriend then yes, I'd be cross.

The problem is, like it or not, a lot of children are sexually abused at sleepovers, so there is a reason to be concerned. For that reason, I wouldn't feel comfortable about my DDs going for a sleepover if I didn't know the parents well.

Admittedly, I'm likely to be overly wary about situations like this being an SA survivor, but there is a legitimate reason to be concerned about leaving our DC in the care of a dad/stepdad/boyfriend who we don't know.

Yes, I would be bothered. All they had to do was ask you first, you have entrusted your child to their care not someone else’s. Besides what if your child felt really uncomfortable about it. I’m sure you would of said okay if you’d have been asked but that’s not the point. I wouldn’t say anything to the parent though but if they go again ask them whether they will be there all the time.

This would bother me big time. I professionally work with people who have been sexually abused as children and this is a typical situation for abuse occurring. I want to know exactly who is around my children, how can I ensure their safety if I don’t know?

Err no. That's bang out of order.

If you'd knew only his dad and agreed to a sleepover then found out his dad's girlfriend/partner was in fact minding them would you have the same reaction?

Is 90%+ of sexual abuse done by women now? Who knew? Or it's not the same at all. I cannot stand people pretending that a) sexual abuse is rare and b) it's as likely to be committed by women.

She should have mentioned she was going out and you could've arranged for another night... For future reference always ask who will be there taking care of those concerned... YANBU

That’s terrible. How does she’s know the trusted family friend isn’t a person who poses a risk to children. She could have mentioned it and given you the choice! She broke your trust!!

I would be furious. To not inform you is not remotely acceptable, especially on a first time sleepover. I would most definitely have cancelled had I been given that information prior.