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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a Drama Queen?

104 replies

ExServiceWoman · 17/03/2020 01:32

I genuinely don't know if I'm being a drama queen or not, but really feel my heart is broken.

My son is 36, I brought him up as a single parent and made many sacrifices to give him a great life. He left university with no debt as I paid all his fees. He has worked hard and has a great job and a great life and I'm incredibly proud of him.

He's not been a bad son, dependent on what girlfriend he has depends what "crumbs" I get, but have never complained and just waited it out for the next girlfriend.

I genuinely know I am blessed, he's healthy, happy and lives just over an hour away. I hear from him at least once a week, and he's currently with a girlfriend who actually "lets" him spend time with me. Even Mother's Day!!

I say this with a slight tongue in cheek as I don't think some women realise how mean they are to their MILs. But whatever, I'm happy and pleased I see him pretty regularly.

We went away this weekend to a family wedding and shared a house that I rented. Now my son is incredibly mean, as was his dad. But don't pick him up on it, he's def been spoiled when he was brought up by me.

Anyway, he was moaning about the noise my car was making so reminded him that I'm single mum to his siblings, who still live at home, and it was a choice of fixing the car or going away this weekend. He understood and very helpfully looked online to see the best price to get it fixed and made me promise that I'd get it done when I got paid.

His gf then said she had the same problem with her car and my son replied saying that would be no problem, was an easy fix and he could do it for about £20.

Honestly I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was driving at the time and was trying my best not to cry. It really upset me. I'd paid for the whole weekend the food etc and not once had he asked if I wanted anything towards it. And he couldn't be even offer to fix my car.

Would that hurt you too? Or am I just a drama
Llama

OP posts:
MKUltrachic · 17/03/2020 01:43

I presume the £20 is for the cost of parts? Or is he mean enough to be charging her for his labour ??

Regardless- He’s being a jerk.

Original poster
ExServiceWoman · 17/03/2020 01:49

Yes £20 for the parts. Is he being a jerk then? I'm not being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Etinox · 17/03/2020 02:04

You’re not being a jerk Flowers

BlameCanada · 17/03/2020 02:04

Perhaps this may help? A quote that I may as well get tattooed on my arm, because I need it that often (!):
"Let us not attribute to malice and cruelty what may be referred to less criminal motives."
In other words, I think your son is just being thoughtless, not deliberately hurtful. It's a shame he's been thoughtless, but I think it sounds like you otherwise have a pretty good relationship so I'd try and let this one pass. I guess he thought he was being nice by helping you mend it and didn't think of the financial side.
Hope that helps.

Etinox · 17/03/2020 02:07

@BlameCanada and @ExServiceWoman it does sound like thoughtlessness. Let’s hope he finds a wife like me. DH is a much better son to his mother now he’s with me. He’s always loved her but didn’t always show it.

PawPawNoodle · 17/03/2020 02:13

I'm not sure I fully understand your post to be honest and some of it doesn't sit right with me. This may seem a bit accusatory (it isn't, I don't know you) and you're obviously free to not answer, but on the face of it I'd think you've got your expectations out of balance.

  • You mention about making sacrifices for your son (and presumably your other children too). Are these not things that you do as a parent? I'm not sure that he is indebted to you because of this.
  • You make a point about him having girlfriends and you only getting the "crumbs" - what do you mean by this? Why did you not speak to him at the time and let him know you were hurt by whatever it is he did in that time, which would have been entirely more healthy than compartmentalising that resentment? Similarly why did you not discuss him being "mean" (also - how was he mean?)?
  • How old are his siblings that still live at home? If any of them are adults, why can't they contribute to the repair of your car if you're expecting this son to?
  • Throughout your post you make it clear that you have made some quite substantial payments for things including at least this son's university costs, the price of a rented home and the additional costs with that. It gives the impression that you have disposable income or the means to pay for things (no doubt through decades of hard work, I'm not minimising that at all) so I'm not really clear as to how you can't afford to have your car checked?
  • On the back of the last question, why did you choose renting a house and paying for everything over having your car checked? This may have be a quick fix but for all you know it could have been quite a serious issue. I'm not sure that many people would choose to pay and cater for their adult child/ren over repairing their own car.

Sorry, that is a bit wordy. I think there's a lot of your son expecting things from you because you've always provided and he is clearly very thoughtless when it comes to you, but I don't think you've particularly helped it by just allowing this to happen and then being resentful about it all later down the line.

Original poster
ExServiceWoman · 17/03/2020 02:26

Yes I believe it is thoughtlessness not malice. He's just been spoiled. Yes my fault :)

Yes I suppose I am a bit resentful. I was a young teenage mum to him, and when I say I made sacrifices, I mean like not eating so he had food. I never wanted him to lose out because I was so young. I don't want to be resentful because, yes that is a parents' job to bring their kids up.

I've never said anything about the "crumbs" to him because as the mum of an adult son, you will always "lose" against the girlfriend, as it should be. His siblings are still at school.

I will let it go, I don't want to rock the boat, he is a good boy and I love him. And as a PP quite rightly pointed it, it wasn't done it malice.

And let's hope his next girlfriend is like etinox

OP posts:
AlaskaSometimes · 17/03/2020 02:36

He sounds like a bit of a prick tbh.

StoppinBy · 17/03/2020 02:51

I think you need to let go of the fact that your son chooses his GF's over you, that is the way things go.

He is now living his life.

I think it was mean that he would work on his GF's car but not yours, personally I would have pulled him up on that at the time 'hey, how about you fix mine at the same time kiddo?'. He couldn't have easily wriggled out of that and the car would be fixed at minimal expense to you.

I would still mention it to him, ask him if he could please fix your car as he said he is able to do the job and you would appreciate the help and financial saving.

Horehound · 17/03/2020 02:56

This has got nothing to do with him having a girlfriend and it's not the girlfriends fault!
If he wants to see you he will. Stop making this all another women's fault. Hmm

Coyoacan · 17/03/2020 03:04

I think PolPotNoodle has identified the problem. We all made "sacrifices" for our children after we chose to have them. I don't know why some children turn out to be more grateful and considerate them others, though among my friends I've noticed that they ones that were most assured of their mother's love made the least effort.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2020 03:07

Personally I feel that thoughtlessness is worse than hatred.

If you hate me, at least I merited a though, if only a negative one. If you are thoughtless then I didnt even cross your mind.

I would ask why he offerered to do the same work on his GF's car for £20 that you have to pay £££ for.

Sobeyondthehills · 17/03/2020 03:14

You sound like my DPs family, they all said to me how horrible his ex wife was for never letting him near them and now they say the same thing about me.

It had fuck all to do with either of us, just neither of us are willing to dial the number and hold the phone to his face

Boom45 · 17/03/2020 03:14

Did you ask him if he could fix yours for £20 too?

Cordial11 · 17/03/2020 03:18

I am sorry but I cannot believe an adult son can go away for the weekend and not expect to pay a penny? He sounds entitled!

Monty27 · 17/03/2020 03:57

OP that's shit. He's just used to you being the fixer. That's lovely and he's trying to be helpful.
He needs a hard kick up the arse though. Blush

Honeybee85 · 17/03/2020 03:58

He doesn’t sound very thoughtful.
I understand you feel hurt.

Would it help to sit down and talk to him about how you feel? Perhaps this can create some more mutual understanding and improve the relationship.

HoppingPavlova · 17/03/2020 04:01

Sorry OP, I have no idea why, at the time and on the spot, you didn’t say that’s great and you’d see him around yours tomorrow with £20 and he can get started on it so he will get some practice in before cracking on with the girlfriends job?

I have young adults and older teens and in the main they are shitfully selfish and need to be directed/forced. Rarely would they think to offer to be helpful to good old mum. I’m staggered you didn’t call him out on it and sort it out then and there. If this sort of stuff makes you weepy, you could spend your whole day crying about stuff with people this age/stage. Just force the issue.

NoneOfMyBusiness · 17/03/2020 04:04

Don't pay anything else. I don't know many 36 year olds who expect mummy to pay for their holidays let alone food and his gf's.

Just as a comparison,when I visit home and stay with my mum, I go shopping, cook meals and bung her £100 or so because she's retired and I'm am adult. That's just staying in the family house. If I was staying in a hotel or rented house I'd pay either for it all or minimum my share.

The gf thing I think is a red herring, I don't think it's them stopping him seeing you or being respectful, he's the issue.

Graciebobcat · 17/03/2020 04:04

I'd like to hear his side of this though. I felt slightly smothered reading the OP's posts.

Lottieloo90 · 17/03/2020 04:06

You're overreacting, accept that you are not the only woman in his life and regardless if previous partners have kept him away from you, he is a grown man, with his own mind that could choose to see you if he so wished, just because you brought him up single handedly does not give you superior entitlement to his time, let go of the baby boy you nurtured, it sounds like jealousy to me

Graciebobcat · 17/03/2020 04:14

And it doesn't say anywhere that the OP paid for the entire weekend, but that she paid for, or organised, the house they were staying in temporarily for a family wedding, not a holiday. Some parents are well off and like to treat their grown up children, I still intend to if I can afford it when my kids have grown up! My mum does it with us, it's not awful to accept a gift freely given, especially when rejecting it would cause offence.

However, I would be wary in the OP's case as it sounds like gifts come with (apron) strings attached.

Lottieloo90 · 17/03/2020 04:26

I completely agree Gracie, I still stand by my previous post stating it sounds like jealousy, it's like ok you can do that for her and not for me, after I single handedly brought you up, sacrificing my own needs for yours, you should be eternally grateful, I would have opened my mouth and stated that he could attempt to fix my car and that I would gladly hand 20 quid over for the parts, not let it fester blaming the g/f as such, you only get crumbs if you allow that to happen and maybe it's only crumbs as you have a tendency to smother, just saying

Lynda07 · 17/03/2020 04:50

Maybe your son understand his girlfriend's car problem is not exactly the same as yours? Misunderstanding all round possibly.

Please never talk about 'sacrifices' you have made. Never! It was your choice to do whatever you did, he didn't ask you to. No child should ever feel under an obligation to parents for things like that. Hopefully you don't say it to him.

Why is your son incredibly mean? That is usually a learned characteristic and you were the one who brought him up, not his father.

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas · 17/03/2020 05:24

Without wishing to knock you when you are clearly feeling sad, he's your son, you brought him up as a single mother, his father who you say was also mean, was no longer around so he didn't have his influence, only yours. If he is mean and thoughtless and entitled, that's unfortunately kind of on you.

Having said that, I would ring him, as another poster said and just simply say, "Hey, have been thinking about the car, you say girlfriends car has the same fault and you can fix it easily, can you do mine as well please, no point wasting money on a garage if it's an easy job for you. Thanks."

Oh, and please don't blame the girlfriends for his non-contact, as a grown man, if he wanted to see you, he would. My MIL blames me that we don't see her that often, despite the fact I'm the one who nags him to reply to her emails and that she only started receiving Mother's Day cards once we got together. If the man can't be bothered, the man can't be bothered...

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