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Original poster

Am I a Drama Queen?

104 replies

ExServiceWoman · 17/03/2020 01:32

I genuinely don't know if I'm being a drama queen or not, but really feel my heart is broken.

My son is 36, I brought him up as a single parent and made many sacrifices to give him a great life. He left university with no debt as I paid all his fees. He has worked hard and has a great job and a great life and I'm incredibly proud of him.

He's not been a bad son, dependent on what girlfriend he has depends what "crumbs" I get, but have never complained and just waited it out for the next girlfriend.

I genuinely know I am blessed, he's healthy, happy and lives just over an hour away. I hear from him at least once a week, and he's currently with a girlfriend who actually "lets" him spend time with me. Even Mother's Day!!

I say this with a slight tongue in cheek as I don't think some women realise how mean they are to their MILs. But whatever, I'm happy and pleased I see him pretty regularly.

We went away this weekend to a family wedding and shared a house that I rented. Now my son is incredibly mean, as was his dad. But don't pick him up on it, he's def been spoiled when he was brought up by me.

Anyway, he was moaning about the noise my car was making so reminded him that I'm single mum to his siblings, who still live at home, and it was a choice of fixing the car or going away this weekend. He understood and very helpfully looked online to see the best price to get it fixed and made me promise that I'd get it done when I got paid.

His gf then said she had the same problem with her car and my son replied saying that would be no problem, was an easy fix and he could do it for about £20.

Honestly I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was driving at the time and was trying my best not to cry. It really upset me. I'd paid for the whole weekend the food etc and not once had he asked if I wanted anything towards it. And he couldn't be even offer to fix my car.

Would that hurt you too? Or am I just a drama
Llama

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 17/03/2020 07:22

My partner fixes my car. I pay for parts. Probably sounds weird as we live together and each pays for upkeep of their own vehicle. Maybe they have the same arrangement and he didn't think about it? He hasn't asked you for it yet.

SnoozyLou · 17/03/2020 07:27

Your attitude to his "girlfriends" sounds like a bigger problem here.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 07:29

Struggling to get round how you always blame the girlfriends. You do know he’s a grown up and he makes his own decisions, as you’ve just witnessed, and it’s him not them right? Is it just easier for you to swallow if you blame them?

StoppinBy · 17/03/2020 07:34

@tomcatspray I had a bot of trouble understanding your post but from what I gather

Your son wants to stay at your house the night before and the night after your wedding?

Your son and his partner want to celebrate their daughter's 3rd birthday in some way on her birthday which also happens to be your wedding day (presumably you knew this date was her birthday when you booked your wedding??).

I see nothing wrong with either of these things and I can see why if you chucked a wobbly over them, particularly celebrating your GD's birthday, your son is not talking to you.

Miraclelover · 17/03/2020 07:40

I think you are being a drama llama.
You sound way overly involved in his relationships.
He’s a grown man, let him get on with it.
Don’t spend a fortune then moan when he doesn’t pay anything. You say he’s mean so why do you even expect it

Miraclelover · 17/03/2020 07:42

He is a good boy
Sorry but this is weird. He’s not a baby, he’s a grown man.

Original poster
ExServiceWoman · 17/03/2020 07:46

Hmmmm lots to think about. You're right I do "blame" the girlfriends too much, I realise completely that it's his decision wether he sees me or not.

But you only need to read some of the threads on here that will popping up soon about Mothering Sunday to realise how much the the DIL can make the MIL's life hell. And the one he's got at the moment is lovely.

So I've taken onboard that I am unreasonable.

Oh the reason I didn't say anything at the time . Was that it completely took me suprise. I was very hurt.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 17/03/2020 07:52

@tomcatspray another one struggling to see the issue here. You seem to have a problem with your 3 year old granddaughter being excited for her birthday rather than her grandmother’s (presumably 2nd) wedding? Why book your wedding for the birthday as your grandchild then be upset that your son wants to do something to celebrate for her as well?

Tulipstulips · 17/03/2020 07:54

I must admit, while I agree he was being thoughtless, it wouldn’t occur to me NOT to say, “Oi son, in that case you can fix mine too! Help your old mum out!”

charlestonchaplin · 17/03/2020 08:03

The main problem is that you haven’t brought your son up to be thoughtful and consider other people. Or you have, but somehow haven’t got through to him that ‘other people’ includes you. You expect him to be naturally thoughtful and considerate, especially in view of what you have done for him and the sacrifices you have made. Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Many people are naturally selfish and need to be guided to think of others, especially their parents. The more you do for them, the more it reinforces that your role is to give and theirs is to take. You need to speak frankly with him, but considering how long you’ve let this go on you will have limited success and I think you should keep your comments simple and brief. Don’t go on a rant.

It is true that your son is an adult and should be responsible for the efforts he puts into his relationship with you. You hear from him every week, so by prevailing standards among many man he isn’t actually doing that badly. However, don’t for a minute believe that wives and girlfriends don’t influence the relationship a man has with his mother. Yes it is ultimately a man’s fault if he allows himself to be controlled in that way but it is also true that many men are weak and follow women to the exclusion of everything else, parents and even children included. And many women who dispute this have a very different view when they dislike the wife or girlfriend concerned. Note how the predominant theme on the ‘Megxit’ threads was of the evil Meghan who bewitched and controlled Harry, the poor petal.

RoyalCorgi · 17/03/2020 08:04

Oh ffs, anyone who charges his own mother to fix her car is an utter shit - stop making excuses for him, people.

Dipi79 · 17/03/2020 08:04

Yes, you are being a massive Drama Queen. You feel as though your heart is breaking? Really?!
Your son does sound thoughtless and spoilt, but that's on you for how you raised him.
If you pay for everything, and always have, why would he even think to contribute?

Maybe focus less on your adult son who has his own life and focus on the children you still have at home.
And stop bloody paying for everything!

Dishwashersaurous · 17/03/2020 08:07

Does he actually know that you have financial concerns? If you shielded him from financial worries then why would he know money is tight

MarginalGain · 17/03/2020 08:12

But you only need to read some of the threads on here that will popping up soon about Mothering Sunday to realise how much the the DIL can make the MIL's life hell. And the one he's got at the moment is lovely.

While this is true, I expect that in the vast majority of bad MIL/DIL relationships there's enough blame to go around.

I've been 'with' my MIL for 20 years now and it's just like any other relationship, we love and look out for each other but occasionally find each other annoying. You have to build a reserve of goodwill to see you through the rough patches.

Now that my boys are teenagers I really appreciate more how difficult it is to let them go and find peace with not being the most important woman in their lives. It is not easy. I understand. Flowers

Dishwashersaurous · 17/03/2020 08:12

Tomcat- why on earth did you book your wedding on your grandchild birthday? Obviously a small child is going to be more excited for her third birthday- the first they can actually anticipate.

I would be so so hurt if my mother booked an important thing on my young child birthday.

MarginalGain · 17/03/2020 08:18

Tomcat- why on earth did you book your wedding on your grandchild birthday? Obviously a small child is going to be more excited for her third birthday- the first they can actually anticipate.

Yes. And then getting in a huff over your son and his wife wanting to plan something for it because their 3 year old was thinking of her birthday rather than your wedding?

You sound like a nightmare.

DruryLanePenance · 17/03/2020 08:40

I think it's your son's prerogative to keep communication with you, nothing to do with who he's with or what type of person she is. You seem rather fixated on his partners past and present.

Brefugee · 17/03/2020 08:51

he sounds like an arse and since he earns his own way you really don't need to spend one penny more on him and concentrate on the DC you have at home.

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 17/03/2020 08:54

Hi OP,
I too would feel upset by this.
I think you should learn from this moving forward and if you go to any events in the future, or arrange anything else you should calmly say to your son that he needs to go halves. He needs to learn that he can't expect you to pick up the bill every time. You couldn't be clearer with him about how tight money is.
Could you have a chat with his girlfriend who you say is lovely? Maybe she could broach the subject with him so that he can understand how you feel.

Some people here have given you a hard time suggesting it's your fault your son is mean. You sound like a lovely mum to me who did her best in really tough circumstances as a single mum.
Surely it's part nature part nuture as to how a child grows up. I am one of 4 siblings and we are all different, brought up by the same loving parents in a good home. Our characters have developed by different influences and I wouldn't blame my parents for one minute if one of us turned out to be mean. The person has to look to themselves first and not apportion blame on the upbringing after a certain point. As an adult we make our own choices.

Good luck OP I hope your relationship with your son gets better over time.

karala · 17/03/2020 08:57

I think people are confused because of the length of your post and bringing things in that are irrelevant: It seems that what you are hurt by is your son being happy to mend his girlfriend's car at cost but not prepared to do the same thing for you. You are not being a drama queen - that is thoughtless. However he will only know he is being thoughtless if it is pointed out to him by you.

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2020 09:00

Why dont you pick him up on being mean? It's a horrible trait but you just seem to have accepted it.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 17/03/2020 09:02

He's 36!! Presumably he's able to look after and support himself. You need to talk to him about showing you some consideration.

Who he chooses to have a relationship with has no bearing on it. It's up to him to set the norm with how often he sees you.

SnoozyLou · 17/03/2020 09:02

Oh ffs, anyone who charges his own mother to fix her car is an utter shit - stop making excuses for him, people.

Would you expect your son to buy parts for your car? What if it needed a new gearbox (£800)? Or a clutch?

He hasn't even asked her for the money - just said how much it would cost. Regardless. I would offer him the money for parts. It might be an hours work or it could take all day, he isn't asking her for Labour. If she wanted him to fit a new washing machine for her, would she expect him to buy that too?

I'll have to start keeping a tally on what my son owes me. He's 2 now, so I'm really glad I read this - I should be quids in.

Don't invite them away for the weekend and say it's my treat if you really resent having to pay for it, I would say, OP. He's a grown man. You don't need to keep paying for him - if you want to, fine, but it shouldn't come with strings attached (like being pissed off because he chooses to spend time with his girlfriend).

MarthasGinYard · 17/03/2020 09:03

Is your son Timothy Lumsden?

SnoozyLou · 17/03/2020 09:07

Oh hang on a minute... I think I've misunderstood. If he could do it for you but is sending you to a garage, that is really shitty. I would tell him! And I wouldn't spend anymore money on them, regardless.

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