Am I a Drama Queen?

[ExServiceWoman]

I genuinely don't know if I'm being a drama queen or not, but really feel my heart is broken.

My son is 36, I brought him up as a single parent and made many sacrifices to give him a great life. He left university with no debt as I paid all his fees. He has worked hard and has a great job and a great life and I'm incredibly proud of him.

He's not been a bad son, dependent on what girlfriend he has depends what "crumbs" I get, but have never complained and just waited it out for the next girlfriend.

I genuinely know I am blessed, he's healthy, happy and lives just over an hour away. I hear from him at least once a week, and he's currently with a girlfriend who actually "lets" him spend time with me. Even Mother's Day!!

I say this with a slight tongue in cheek as I don't think some women realise how mean they are to their MILs. But whatever, I'm happy and pleased I see him pretty regularly.

We went away this weekend to a family wedding and shared a house that I rented. Now my son is incredibly mean, as was his dad. But don't pick him up on it, he's def been spoiled when he was brought up by me.

Anyway, he was moaning about the noise my car was making so reminded him that I'm single mum to his siblings, who still live at home, and it was a choice of fixing the car or going away this weekend. He understood and very helpfully looked online to see the best price to get it fixed and made me promise that I'd get it done when I got paid.

His gf then said she had the same problem with her car and my son replied saying that would be no problem, was an easy fix and he could do it for about £20.

Honestly I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was driving at the time and was trying my best not to cry. It really upset me. I'd paid for the whole weekend the food etc and not once had he asked if I wanted anything towards it. And he couldn't be even offer to fix my car.

Would that hurt you too? Or am I just a drama
Llama

Your son sounds awful. Please dont blame girlfriends for the lack of contact and effort, this is all on him.

You do sound very resentful, bitter and jealous.

Being a single mum sucks for many but you can't hold him to account for any of the sacrifices you've made, that's what parenting is

with a girlfriend who actually "lets" him spend time with me. Even Mother's Day!!

I’m sorry but your son is an adult, his girlfriend is not responsible for letting him or not letting him spend time with you!

You sound exactly like my husbands family! Before kids I used to remind him - “it’s your sisters birthday today, ring her”, “here’s your nephews birthday card, please post on way to work”, “it’s Mother’s Day, let’s go around and give flowers to your mum”. After kids I just didn’t get time to focus on being husbands PA as I had a young baby! Well my first Mother’s Day mother in law had a huge strop! She called me up shouting that I’ve taken her son away from her! We had 5 bloody years of IVF to have our baby and she made my first Mother’s Day about her.

Even now my husband gets calls from his sisters saying “you’re the son, you need to prioritise mum first”. It’s funny that they don’t prioritise their own mother in laws but me and husband have to worship his mother.

Sorry went off for a bit! Well my point is your son is an adult, his girlfriends are not responsible for how he is with you. I’m getting all worked up now thinking of my mil!

My advice is work on your relationship with your son first and maybe talk more about your problems so he can be sympathetic.

In same boat. Stop paying for everything. It isn't appreciated. Finally saw the light when we were getting married on his daughters 3rd birthday. They expected to stay at mine night before and night of wedding. Wanted to know our plans some 2.5 months in advance so they could organise something for her 'big day'. Apparently, her birthday was all she was talking about. We weren't invited to her birthday last year because it wasn't an event and were only asking people 'round here', ie her family.

We had been worrying about them coming as we paid for them, plus car from UK to Ireland on ferry, plus loads of presents, trips and food when they came over just after Christmas. We couldn't afford to do it again so soon after.

Gf sent very rude, entitled texts to me demanding dgd has her big day ... spoke to son... very sheepish .... not heard from him since some 3 weeks ago now....

Looks like wedding - low key, small registry office, probably won't be happening because of CV now

But finally woke up to spoiled, mean, cf that he really is. His attitude to me and his stepdad who took him as his own when his bio dad paid nothing and didnt bother to see him once when we split up many years ago is shameful.

That I wouldn't see it or couldn't see it I'd my own fault. But I've copped on now. Sadly but definitely.

I need to start my own thread! I’m all worked up now. I just feel women in any circumstances get blamed for everything. My husband doesn’t get any blame when I forget my sisters birthday or forget to post my mother’s card on time! My memory is so bad now and I’m at fault for forgetting things and not being a fantastic daughter and sister: not my husband! Can you imagine if my mum called my husband “ my daughter didn’t send me a Mother’s Day card, it’s all your fault!”

The dynamics of your relationship sound slightly smothering and a bit odd.

@tomcatspray that’s really sad. You shouldn’t be paying for them! Don’t pay anything else from now. I think all relationships are hard work especially when dealing with people who haven’t grown up. Maybe he will contact you soon

He’s a knob. Focus in your kids at home as it sounds like you favour the knob.

Your son sounds like an arsehole.

The fact that you're blaming his girlfriends and talking about 'the next one that comes along' and 'losing to a girlfriend' makes you sound rather blind to your son's faults and a bit deluded.

He's practically a middle aged man that you still indulge and spoil as if he were a child.

Maybe pulling him up on his behaviour would be a good thing. Start by telling him the car thing hurt your feelings.

Could you have asked him to fix your car?

Can’t believe some people are calling you bitter and jealous OP.

You have every right to be hurt. I get you, I have done everything for DS, I am he first person he comes to when he needs any help or advice or words and yet if I ask for a single bit of help, usually physical, I have to ask again and again and again.

Sadly when you manage everything single handedly you are assumed to be able to do so to the extent that you don’t actually need or would benefit from help.

He is thoughtless. Sometimes it really does help to tell them so. I would have told my son in the car the same, seriously I would. And then let him think about it later.

He lives over an hour away. If it'll cost £20 then he'll have to order a part, so presumably by the time it's delivered he'll be over an hour away from your car. It's something he thinks needs doing quite urgently.

Personally I wouldn't be expecting anyone to travel over an hour to me to fix my car. He was helpful about it by finding you a good price. Although it would have been nice if he'd said 'It's a shame I don't live a bit nearer, mum, I could have fixed yours too.'

Hardly heartbreaking, though. How would you feel if he did something genuinely mean?

OP, you sound confused. On the one hand you blame his girlfriends for not not ‘letting’ your DS be in contact with you, as though he has zero free will or agency of his own at 36, but on the other you acknowledge that you both spoilt him and continue to do so, while expecting him to repay you for your sacrifices...?

I love how on one hand you're calling him selfish and thoughtless but on the other you're blaming his GFs for his behaviour 😂 You are a nightmare MIL in the making!

tomcatspray how come you planned your wedding on your granddaughter's birthday?

Yanbu in respects of being disappointed at your son’s behaviour but yabu to blame the girlfriend. My MIL definitely feels that I’ve taken her son & limit access - I don’t in any way....DH is responsible for his own relationships and prioritising who he spends time with and I’m not going to assume that responsibility because I’m his wife. I have often said ‘would you like to invite MIL?’ and he is the one who is ‘too tired’. The routine seems to be she comes once a year but then when she’s here he makes very little effort and it all falls to me🤷🏼‍♀️.

Could it not just be the way he phrased it ‘I could fix it for about £20’, simply meaning ‘it’s cheap to fix’ not ‘you must pay me £20’.

Also, what makes you so certain that his girlfriends are keeping him away from you and only ‘giving you crumbs’. Surely he is responsible for his own behaviour! If I tried to tell my husband not to spend time with his mother he would laugh at me.

You sound a little overwhelming.

Oh and your son is his own person. If I had ever said to DH about not seeing his mum (which I never would, she is wonderful) he would go crackers - and quite rightly so.

Did you find, organise and pay for the cottage for the wedding? And the food? And drive and pay for petrol?

Did he contribute at all? Did he buy a present?

Yes he sounds selfish and you're letting him get away with it. Stop paying for stuff for him.

Calmly, tell him how hurt you were that he didn't offer to fix your car when he offered to fix his girlfriend's.

Let him know. You shouldn't have to, but let him know and give him an opportunity to rethink.

It's obvious to me that you have a martyr complex and your son resents you for it (along with his girlfriend).

It's not your son's fault that you were a single mother and that life was harder for you. Stop chasing affirmation from him and it will come to you.

Good luck.

He lives an hour away so doesn't make sense that he can fix your car. Presumably he lives near gf so will be with her and can fix when he would be around anyway. You in general imo, come across overbearing with the fact that you go into great detail about sacrifices and have a general you v gf attitude. My MIL is similar. She likes to pay for things because in her mind that gives her priority and she can pretend her son is not a grown adult. Stop doing things for him/paying for him. Stop thinking your relationship with him is dependent on his gf at the time. Keep your own, non overbearing if possible, relationship with him. I'm sure he loves you but overindulgence of boys and blaming the women does unfortunately result in entitled sons.

You sound unhealthily obsessed with your son OP. He is 36 a grown man. He should have his own wife and kids by now. The fact he doesn't makes, me think "mummy issues". Leave him alone.

People like your son don't take hints. When you want something from him ask for it in a strightforward manner.
Don't feel guilty asking, you have done a lot to help him onto his feet and to independant, so asking for things like a car fix, a home fix you need help with, or just some moral support should not be something you feel bad about asking.
My grown sons are a bit hit and miss about taking hints, so now I talk stright with them both and told thier partners too, not to hint at stuff you have to tell them what you want/need or you will be dispointed.

Maybe try being more honest with your son?

You come across very passive. You say he is "mean" how? You say several times you raised him up to be spoiled.

Maybe it is time you had an adult conversation with your son. He is a product of his upbringing.

Presumably your son lives with his girlfriend? If so the difference is this:

1. Fixing his GF's car at his own home vs. schlepping an hour away to your house - if it turns out there's another issue with the GF's car and it ends up not being a quick job, then he can just wait at home for a new part to arrive/figure out next steps, whereas if he's started dismantling/repairing your car and something else ends up being an issue then he's got to commit to a few more trips to your house to fix it

1. If they're sharing finances then he's also impacted by taking the car to a garage - he's saving the household some money by using his own labour costs rather than pay someone else. He doesn't share finances with you, so there's less incentive for him to help fix your car.

1. If GF's car needs to go to the garage, then he might need to provide lifts for the GF to work (for example), but if he does the fix himself then perhaps the car won't be out of action for as long.

1. He wasn't completely thoughtless - he helped find a repair service for you online. He probably believes your independent and self-sufficient enough to pay for the repairs yourself, especially since you do have the means to spend money on treats (e.g. renting a house) and generous gifts (e.g. paying tuition fees, which most people's parents do not do).

I think you need to distance yourself a little from the sacrifices you've made - these were voluntary actions you took and he doesn't need to be indebted to you for the rest of his life. It sounds like he does love you and show you affection - I think you should just appreciate the relationship you have rather than risk resentment building up.