To put her children first?

[Ineedwine1]

I'm a single parent. Have a DS with respiratory health issues so we are isolating. I've had to cancel my counselling for my anxiety so I'm struggling with that alot. So pretty much alone with a 3 year old.
My parents are of no support. My gran (mums, mum) is in hospital. She has now been diagnosed with dementia. She isn't in any danger and now needs care put into place for her. My mum is up the hospital every day and corona has now been confirmed there. This may sound selfish but I'm upset my parents can't be around to be a support. I understand my mum is upset but surely your child needs your more? I would always put my Child first. I've said to my mum as she's up the hospital every day I can no longer see her because of DS.
She rang earlier and asked why I looked sad. I said because I'm alone with no help or support. I've had to cancel my counselling and can't go to work. She just replied oh OK and then said she had to go. AIBU to wish I had more support. Tbh when ever I've need my parents emotionally in my life they have never been there. They will be there physically but never emotionally

Wel, can't your father help you? It's perfectly understandable that your mother wants to be there for your gran, she has dementia and is in hospital! Your gran needs her there a lot, poor women will become ever so confused if left without familiar faces.

You have anxiety, it's hard but you're not in hospital and you have all your faculties.

And you really ought to think about how much pressure and stress you might be causing your mother, she can't be having the best time herself and doesn't need to be emotionally quilt tripped right now.

What do you actually want/need/expect your mum to do?

Your mum has correctly prioritised her elderly and completely vulnerable mum. I’m sorry you have anxiety. Can you discuss medication with your GP?

In this situation your Gran needs your mum more, you’re just self-isolating. I get that it’s boring but you you don’t actually need her to be physically there with you where as your Gran is likely confused, in a strange place and not understanding what is happening to her. I’m sure if you and your Gran were both in comparable situations your mum would choose to be with you.

You’re not being unreasonable to wish you had more support.

You do sound like a petulant child though. The entitlement of some people astounds me.

Sorry but you mum not in the wrong here, dementia is not a nice thing. For the person who has it and the person who looks after them.

What do you want her to do?

It's difficult. You're an adult, not a child, even though you're her child. Many many people suffer from anxiety, but she can't really help you with that.

There's nothing she can practically do for you while you're self isolating. Apart from moral support which she can offer by phone.

Whereas her mother is actively ill in hospital. Who else does her mother have?

I'm sorry, that sound hard but you are putting your parents in a difficult position. Leaving her mum on her own wouldn't be the right thing really, would it? It is hard for them being pulled in 2 directions.

Also if you tell her you'd always prioritise your son over her, can you see how she might be quite hurt?

I would suggest you keep in regular contact with your parents by phone/facetime, and accept that self-isolation means no visitors.

Yabu because I don’t think any of us should put expectations on our parents during this, by nature of being older they automatically more at risk than us and more of a worry for them. That’s before you start considering your granny’s situation which adds more to it. We’re all just going to have to find ways to manage. There’s a lot of Facebook groups to support with parents self isolation, how to keep the kids busy and so on, which could help?

Your poor mum being pulled in two different directions.

Of course right now your grandmother with dementia is more of a concern and needs more of your mum's focus.

I'm sorry you have anxiety and hope that you're able to find a kind of peace in these uncertain times. Just turn off the news (or just look once a day or something) and focus on each day with your DC for now.

My mum has dementia, yabu! Your gran now has a life limiting illness, your mum doesn’t know how much time she has left, or how long she’ll remember her and be able to actually have her mum as the person she knows. I’ve taken the decision to stay away from my mum as I’m a single parent to two (one being a baby) and would hate for either of them or myself to pass anything on. How about you worry about your mum? Seeing mine slowly loosing herself is a million times worse then anything corona related. I have no help or support either, be thankful you have your mum and she’s fit and well and support her in what she’s actually going through because it’s a lot worse then what you are.

If your parents have never supported you emotionally they probably aren’t going to start now. Is it possible for you to have counselling on the telephone, join an online forum with others, get medication, speak to friends? I’m afraid you’re going to have to find the support you need elsewhere

Your DS is vulnerable but at home and safe with you to look after him. Your gran is in hospital, likely very upset and confused. Your poor mum is in the middle and damned if she does /damned if she doesn't.

She could still drop off supplies to your door/keep in contact via phone, Skype etc. Your dad could help you maybe, or friends or other relatives?

Download the headspace app for yourself maybe, help you calm down.

I'm a single mother and my own mum has dementia, luckily not hospitalised. I'm the support for my parents, not the other way around. I know how isolated you must feel but your mother has to do what's right for her now. It's not about you or not caring enough for you.

I haven't said to her I would put my children first. I also haven't made he choose and I said yes be witg your mum. I know I sound selfish but I'm worried and alone with DS. I am being unreasonable but that's how I feel inside. I haven't said anything to anyone else

Your mum is doing the right thing. You are being a little selfish. You dont actually need your mum for anything. You are a grown adult, taking care of your child. Perhaps your mother is going through an emotional time, watching her mother become ill. Have you thought about how you could support her better e.g. phonecalls?

You're right, it does sound very selfish. Sorry. Your gran must be terrified, I can't even imagine being given such an awful diagnosis and she needs and deserves your mums support. Please don't put this on your mum, she must be grieving as she knows she won't have her own mum as she is for much longer. Perhaps you should be supporting your mum?

Also your DGran is likely very high risk and once in a nursing home might not be able to receive visitors to reduce the risk of Coronavirus.

Also I'll add i am worried about my mum. I said to her I know you want to see your mum but you're also my mum and concerned about you because you're now at risk of getting corona being up there every day.

But your not a child. Your a grown woman.

I get that your going through a hard time right now but her mum needs her too. And it is selfish to expect your mother to abandon her frail elderly mum to suit you. Just because someone is old doesn't mean you can shove them in a hospital and forget about them.

Can you ask to have your counselling sessions over the phone? Have you any friends you can meet up with to take your mind off things? Even a walk in the park, bit of fresh air can help ease anxiety.

My mind boggles at the selfishness of this post. Your son is of an age that if god forbid he got Covid-19 he would have all NHS resources thrown at him to recover despite his health issues. If your mum got Covid-19 it’s likely In the event of an outbreak she wouldn’t even get treated.

I also haven't made her choose

But you said this :
She rang earlier and asked why I looked sad. I said because I'm alone with no help or support. I've had to cancel my counselling and can't go to work

You don't think that^ is putting pressure on her to choose?
How do you think she felt when you said that?

Your choosing to self isolate.

Your poor mum is stuck between a rock and a hard place and your attitude is making it even harder for her. She can’t just abandon her mum