To put her children first?

[Ineedwine1]

I'm a single parent. Have a DS with respiratory health issues so we are isolating. I've had to cancel my counselling for my anxiety so I'm struggling with that alot. So pretty much alone with a 3 year old.
My parents are of no support. My gran (mums, mum) is in hospital. She has now been diagnosed with dementia. She isn't in any danger and now needs care put into place for her. My mum is up the hospital every day and corona has now been confirmed there. This may sound selfish but I'm upset my parents can't be around to be a support. I understand my mum is upset but surely your child needs your more? I would always put my Child first. I've said to my mum as she's up the hospital every day I can no longer see her because of DS.
She rang earlier and asked why I looked sad. I said because I'm alone with no help or support. I've had to cancel my counselling and can't go to work. She just replied oh OK and then said she had to go. AIBU to wish I had more support. Tbh when ever I've need my parents emotionally in my life they have never been there. They will be there physically but never emotionally

If you want to guilt trip anyone it should be your ex .
Where is he ?

YABU of course your DM shouldn't put you first, she's coping with her sick mother. Presumably you're an adult as you have a child so help with what? What can she do that you can't do?

Plus as others have pointed out, if you are self isolating that means no visitors or visiting others so what are you expecting her to do remotely?

Getting someone into a care home is a tough, exasperating, tiring job. Let alone dealing with the patient, who won't be at their most charming, to put it mildly.

DM must be shattered. With any luck once DGM is found a place and moved in, DM can have a break. That could take a month.

Annoying advice: be nice to your DM. She is battling a really horrible family problem with no thanks (DGM sure won't show any gratitude) and she doesn't need any more stress.

And look after yourself. Once DGM is installed, you can all get back to normal.

I think most people would prioritise helping the person in hospital. Your gran is elderly and has dementia, she has needs that will only become greater and your mum is probably looking at helping her on a regular basis for years because care packages rarely cover the full need.

You need to reach out to other forms of support. I understand you are struggling to cope. Reach out now.

YABVVVU.

YOUR POOR MUM.

You should put your children first when they are children. You are no longer a child. When you become an adult, you can't expect your parents to always put you first.

I think it is probably the isolation and lack of counselling which is affecting you and making you feel unsupported although if your parents do not normally support you I am not sure why you are surprised. Certainly if you were a child then you would be the priority but I am probably your mums age and would feel very difficult having both my mum and my adult daughters needing help at the same time so maybe she wants to help but your nan needs her more. Surely she cannot see you anyway if you are isolating? If she is phoning you she is trying to be supportive. Can you facetime her when she is not at the hospital?

Your not in isolation if your expecting your mother to come to the house to support you, she’s been visiting her mum in hospital and could bring the virus into your home.

I don’t understand why you need support with looking after one child. If I have to isolate I will be stuck in with 2 disabled children with no support, my mum and step dad are both high risk due to health conditions and age, I wouldn’t expect them to help me. Just stick CBeebies or Netflix on and relax.

What support do you actually need that would require your mother to be present in your household, rather than caring for her elderly dementing mother?

If you are self-isolating maybe you need to ring up some friends or go for a walk in the park. Do you or your DS actually have any symptoms???

You sound a bit self-centred, as if your anxiety is a trump card. It's not in this situation, in my opinion.

Being old, frail, scared & not knowing what's going on is really really scary. Your mother is doing the absolute right thing being there for her mother at a very scary time.

You have to hope you will reach old age and understand this. Well, reach old age anyway - because the alternative's worse.

What role, if any, does the child's father play? Why is he not helping?

Could you continue your counselling via Skype? This is happening at some mental health trusts now I think.
Your Mum knows that she might not be able to see her mum soon - and that there is a reasonable chance she will die without being able to see her. I’m sorry but it’s such a sad decision for your Mum to make but her Mum probably needs her a lot more right now.
Lots of FaceTime / Skype etc might help.

It sounds very difficult and I'm sorry that your child has health problems. Unfortunately, I think your gran does take priority at the moment.

OP I understand although I've got parents we dont see them they let us get on with it, there can go by months before I here off my mum, if I try to arrange to visit she snaps that shes busy? Heres a virtual hug op

I think with any diagnosis of Dementia there is obviously going to be a time that your mum needs to support her own mum to access the services and support she can and also to advocate for her. New environments for people with Dementia can be very stressful and she will need someone familiar to anchor her into time and space. Your poor mum and grandma. What exactly are you expecting your mum to do? Leave her poor vulnerable mum and come and care for you a grown woman with a child? Maybe you could offer her some moral support?

I totally get it, in your hour if need you have been once again emotionally let down and neglected by the people who should be your number one supporters.

It adds a deep layer of trauma on top of the trauma you're already going through. You're essentially alone because the people who should care just don't.

I get it because my parents are the same and I have been through various traumatic experiences which were made a million times worse by their lack of response and the knowledge they didn't give two hoots what happens to me. They were untouched by my need and suffering- it's impossible to psychologically get over that.

I'm now no contact with my parents as it's the only way I can psychologically protect myself.

Anyway I just wanted to say I get it and I'm sending you solidarity and care across the internet: they should care about you and it reveals a massive failing in them that they don't

Has it ever occurred to you that your mother is having an extremely stressful time at the moment? You sound incredibly self involved and self entitled.

It’s natural that you’re feeling lonely and worried, OP. But you’re doing the right thing looking after DS and staying away from infection. Can youphone friends or keep in touch via social media? Could you get counselling by phone or skype?
Best of luck.

I think you need to reschedule your counseling over Skype/Facetime asap.

This is a pile on, and I hate to add to it.

But YABVU.

You're her child, but you're an adult. And believe me (even though you can't when you kids are small believe this is possible), when your kids are adults they are no longer the centre of your universe. That's nature.

You have anxiety (as do so many now) but you have to deal with it). It won't kill you.

Your grandmother is likely terrified.

I doubt there is a confirmed case of CV at the care home. If there was, they would not be allowing your mother to visit.

Speak to your counsellor on the telephone, when your son naps.

Your mother has come to the distressing and heartbreaking realisation that she may never have a normal relationship with her own mother again. Why would she want to be anywhere else?

If you choose to self isolate for 5 months and she has to 'choose' you; she may never see her mother again.

Be reasonable OP.

@Ineedwine1 I haven't read the full thread so sorry if this has been covered, but I'm a retired psychotherapist and I know that many of the therapy and counseling community are open to and geared up to transferring sessions to skype or similar. Have you looked into this? Would be so good if you can continue to have your sessions.

Think about your Gran in this, it's not the young that need protecting from the virus, it's the elderly. Maybe your mum shouldn't see your DC because it might pose a risk to your Gran.

You’re being completely unreasonable.

You're being very selfish. Your grandma needs support right now, your anxiety does not trump her dementia.