To put her children first?

[Ineedwine1]

I'm a single parent. Have a DS with respiratory health issues so we are isolating. I've had to cancel my counselling for my anxiety so I'm struggling with that alot. So pretty much alone with a 3 year old.
My parents are of no support. My gran (mums, mum) is in hospital. She has now been diagnosed with dementia. She isn't in any danger and now needs care put into place for her. My mum is up the hospital every day and corona has now been confirmed there. This may sound selfish but I'm upset my parents can't be around to be a support. I understand my mum is upset but surely your child needs your more? I would always put my Child first. I've said to my mum as she's up the hospital every day I can no longer see her because of DS.
She rang earlier and asked why I looked sad. I said because I'm alone with no help or support. I've had to cancel my counselling and can't go to work. She just replied oh OK and then said she had to go. AIBU to wish I had more support. Tbh when ever I've need my parents emotionally in my life they have never been there. They will be there physically but never emotionally

I've suffered with anxiety my whole life pretty much because my parents were emotionally unavailable.

I learned a long time ago who I can and cannot rely on for support. You are better off seeking support elsewhere. Call some helplines, message friends etc otherwise you'll end up disappointed every time. Some people just don't know how to support someone with anxiety and I think that's ok.

People are describing you as needy because you are desperate for your parents to offer you the love and support you never had. I get that. However you need to learn to be independent and do the things I've suggested above x

All the best

I understand my mum is upset but surely your child needs your more?

You’re not a child. You just have to crack on. Could you not have a phone consultation?

In the nicest way possible I think you’re being unfair on your mum who must gutted about her mother’s diagnosis (dementia is horrible). I don’t blame her wanting to spending time with her mother right now.

No you don't take priority over your gran at this point.

I am being unreasonable but that's how I feel inside. I haven't said anything to anyone else
I do understand what you're saying. This is how you feel and it doesn't help to be called selfish on here. Do you have any friends who could give you emotional support even if it's only on the phone? It's hard work with a 3-yr old - would it help to structure your days into 2hr slots and plan activities, it won't hurt a 3-yr old to be ignored for a bit (as long as they are safe, obv). You want your mum and your mum wants her mum but this is the situation for you all and just have to make the best of it. I'm sorry.

@blackbelt thank you for understanding. Yes they have been emotionally unavailable my whole life. So pretty much have to rely on me and me only. Which is tough tbh. My counsellor is phoning me weekly as a check in to see how I am. Even before this week the last few weeks have been extremely tough with hospital admissions with my son and having to take days off work to date for him and therefore having a financial impact. Im trying to dig deep to stay strong.

What is it you expect your mum to do. If you are isolating, how can she come and visit you?

If you are self isolating then surely it works be a very bad idea for your mum to go to you from the hospital?

You’re a grown woman op. You should be supporting your mum, not the other way round! Her own mum is in a home with a brain disease with a lethal virus being passed round, of course she should be there for her! I’m sorry about your anxiety but your mum is not your carer. You should be focusing on what you can be doing for your little boy, not what you think other people should be doing for you. Your mum is watching her own mother deteriorate and die, but you’re more concerned about your self!

OP seek support here or on other boards for your MH. It sounds incredibly hard. If you go to the health or parenting sections there is some great support.

If you are voluntarily self isolating as a precaution at the moment then can you just do the counselling and nothing else? Is there someone who could mind your son just for that? I know that has risks but they balance with your MH.

Your mum will be worried sick about HER mum. Also it's very likely that soon she will not be allowed to visit her, if she's put in a care home for assessment. When my MIL went into hospital with dementia, she was terrified and in a really bad way because she wasn't in her usual surroundings.

Your GM's needs are MUCH greater than yours. You're at home with your child. That's all. I'm sorry that your anxiety is making you get things out of proportion, but my sympathy is with your mother, who is watching her mother lose her faculties, has a load of things to orgnanise to get her care sorted, and now has an anxious daughter guilting her.

Imagine if you were having to deal with what your mum is having to deal with now, and instead of supporting you, your adult son is whinging because you're not helping him. You would NOT appreciate it, whatever you think now.

What do you actually need your mum for?

YABU you're not a child. But your gran with dementia is more than likely as confused and scared as a child would be.

Are you saying if your mum develops dementia you'll leave her to hang around with your adult child who doesn't actually need you urgently?

If you’re isolating then your son can’t go to his grandparents nor can they come to your home.
What support would you like from your mum?

Your mum has been in a hospital mixing with goodness knows who virus wise, you are a single parent, you really do not want to catch the virus who will look after your child?

You have done the right thing for you. Your mum is doing the right thing for her.

Her Mother has been diagnosed with dementia so of course she wants to be there to support her. I’m sure it’s crap for you being stuck indoors but you will survive.

If your Mum has been around the virus and your DS has respiratory issues then she's doing the right thing, surely.

How can your mum support you if you're self isolating. If you are self isolating you shouldn't be seeing anyone.
You complain about your parents but how much support do you give them? Not much from the sound of it as your moaning because your mum is looking after your grandmother. Very telling that you say you'd always choose your child over her.
You sound selfish and about 5 years old.

Yanbu for how you feel. Feelings aren’t reasonable or unreasonable, they just are.

Your mum needs to support her mum right now. She can’t be there for both of you, and since your gran can’t be without help, your mum is giving help where it’s most needed.

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by speaking to your counsellor by phone and trying to keep on top of your feelings. Is there anyone else you can lean on for support as well?

As hard as it may be, you and your son are safe. Your mum and grandma aren't right now, she shouldn't come to you even if she wants to. We are all going to go through a horrendous time this year to varying degrees.

Find something online to take your mind off it all, books, tv, films, a forum related to a hobby you like or would like to try. Find an online support to distract yourself-not Mumsnet-something separate from what's going on on the world.

I really do feel for you op but your mums mum obviously isn’t well and your mum wants to spend as much time as possible with her. I’ve just lost an elderly relative and I have this massive guilt
I didn’t visit enough.

Assuming your grandmother probably put your mother first for so many years she just wants to spend time with her.

My mother is spending a lot of time with my grandmother at the minute As my grandad has just died and my granny is very lonely after losing her husband of nearly 60 years. I’d rather my mother spent time with granny right than us right now. Admittedly my granny isn’t in hospital!

It is hard op but you will be fine so will your son! Just carry on taking the precautions.

I think this is more about your mental health. Your mum is doing the right thing, and of course, everyone who read this thought you meant an actual child not an adult.

It does come across as selfish, but mental illness inherently can do this, make someone focus solely on their self and what they need, and fail to be able to see what others needs are.

I hope you get yourself into a better place op.

Your feelings are valid even though you know your dm has to be with your nan. Take care of yourself.
Perhaps there is a mindfulness course you could access online.
It’s a difficult time for anyone with mh issues.

I think you are being unreasonable. I'm sorry you had to cancel your appointment and that you suffer from anxiety and I can only imagine how crippling that can be. However you are an able bodied person and a responsible adult. Your gran on the other hand isn't and your mother is probably going through a very distressing time. My gran has been in hospital for 3 weeks and just passed away on the weekend. There's no way I would expect anything from my mum while my gran was in hospital. I also have zero support. My dad and siblings moved abroad, I live a 2 hour drive from my mum and my husband's family all live a 4 hour journey away. I also have a 3 year old and I feel your pain, it would be lovely to have family around but this is the way it is and I have to cope. I hope your gran gets the care she needs and you manage to get through this difficult period.

You sound really selfish trying to guilt trip your mum into spending time with you rather than visiting her mum who has just received a life changing diagnosis.

Where is your child’s father? Does he not have contact so you could use this time to get out and feel less isolated?