To put her children first?

[Ineedwine1]

I'm a single parent. Have a DS with respiratory health issues so we are isolating. I've had to cancel my counselling for my anxiety so I'm struggling with that alot. So pretty much alone with a 3 year old.
My parents are of no support. My gran (mums, mum) is in hospital. She has now been diagnosed with dementia. She isn't in any danger and now needs care put into place for her. My mum is up the hospital every day and corona has now been confirmed there. This may sound selfish but I'm upset my parents can't be around to be a support. I understand my mum is upset but surely your child needs your more? I would always put my Child first. I've said to my mum as she's up the hospital every day I can no longer see her because of DS.
She rang earlier and asked why I looked sad. I said because I'm alone with no help or support. I've had to cancel my counselling and can't go to work. She just replied oh OK and then said she had to go. AIBU to wish I had more support. Tbh when ever I've need my parents emotionally in my life they have never been there. They will be there physically but never emotionally

What I don't understand is the difference your mother going to the hospital makes. You are self isolating which I understand. But your mother or anyone else could have CV, it is rampant in the community. If you are self isolating to prevent your child getting it then you should be seeing anyone.

There are lots of online resources for anxiety and MH issues. Please look at helping yourself, turning off the news and finding ways of coping.

@Embarrassingmama it's at the hospital not care home. That's where my gran is. They are awaiting care to be organised for her.

Yes everyone I know I'm being selfish. As I've mentioned I haven't tried to make my mum feel bad it's just my feelings inside my head.
I can't really have my counselling sessions at home. My DS will be here and I don't wish to discuss things around him.
I don't know what my mum could do just a hug would be good I guess

Where's your dad in this?

Coronavirus being in the hospital 'somewhere' doesn't make your mum a specific risk to you and your son. They wouldn't be allowing visitors if there was a likelihood that they'd come into contact with someone diagnosed with the virus.

You're the one who's shut your mum out. You're acting as though she's decided not to help you. She hasn't. She's doing what she has to do for her mum, and you've decided that that makes her not a suitable visitor to your house.

@Ineedwine1 evening skype sessions when DS is asleep?

I can understand its an upsetting time for you, but if you're self isolating your mum couldn't come into your house anyway?

If they’ve been emotionally unavailable all your life, why expect anything different now?
Time to grow up and get on with being a mum instead of wishing for something that won’t happen.

But your mum can’t give you a hug if you’re choosing to self isolate!

You have made a Choice go self isolate.
Your mums mum is in hospital. Of course she comes first, she’s in need. You are not. You just can’t go out for a while.
You sound selfish.

Sounds as if your isolation has you thinking about things and your relationship with your Mum has come to the forefront.

As Blackbelt said, try and occupy your time with other tasks to stop dwelling on the situation. Hard I know but it might help.

Sorry OP but YABU.

Anxiety is horrible. Go easy on yourself but don't give yourself unnecessary and unfair feelings about your mum because that isn't going to help you.

Op your not selfish, you’re just in a low place and want to someone to be strong for you. It’s a natural yearning and whether or not in these circumstances it is fair to expect your mum to step into that role doesn’t really matter. What matters is you taking control of what you can, seek your support from friends, online, other family, whoever can at least be a listening ear. Yes you’re a mum and with that you have to stand up and be strong for your son, but there is no shame in admitting it’s hard and that you’d like to be propped up once and while.

Take care of yourself OP, perhaps draw a line under your expectations of your mum. Make life as easy for yourself and your son as you can. Tv, shit food, stay in PJs. X

@Ineedwine1 it sounds like you are having a tough time. It doesn't have to be exclusive, one or the other, your mum can be having a tough time and you can as well.

It's not horrible to feel that way if you are struggling and can not get your much needed counselling session. It would be selfish to place your mum in an impossible position and make her choose, she shouldn't be coming to your house if you are self isolating. You don't stop being your mums child because of your age, you do however become more able to deal with situation and be a bit more independent.

Your mum will be having such a tough time trying to arrange care for your Nan, its tough enough in normal circumstances but I would imagine it's even more difficult with the current situation. She will be trying to come to terms and process everything that comes with her mum having dementia

Could you get a telephone counselling session to try and help?
Maybe try being a support to eachother over the phone?

Hope you feel better soon.

I expect your Mum would like a hug too. Help her, she’s not invincible.

She rang earlier and asked why I looked sad

How does she know you look sad if she hasn’t seen you?

I think it’s unfair of you to say that it’s because you have no support. Your mum needs to be with your gran right now at an extremely upsetting and unsettling time.

You’re just home with a three year old.

I know it can be tough and boring but it’s not that bad.

I’m not sure what you want from your mum, and I understand you can’t help how you feel. But try not to be emotionally manipulative or to guilt her. I don’t think it’ll make you feel any better.

Is there any chance of online counselling?

People are horrible on here about MH @Ineedwine1. I’m panicking about if we go into lockdown and I’ve had all types of shit on other threads about it! I get you’re anxious and you need support - your mum should be there for you, I’d prioritise my child every time.

@OhCaptain thing is it’s not just ‘boring’ for someone with anxiety, it can be panic attack inducing, appetite diminishing, sleep disturbing and very distressing.

That’s not fair, bluemoon. Or true.

The support for MH on MN is incredible.

OP’s mum can’t support her anyway, if they’re in isolation! And she rang her because OP looked sad. Still don’t know how but still! What more can she do?

@BlueMoon1103 I and lots of other posters gave you some pretty good advice on the other thread which you didn't engage with and just told everyone they are horrible? If you call that "all kinds of shit" then I don't know what to say.

How can your mum hug you if you're self-isolating?

ohcaptain Face time.
It is that bad you're left with your own thoughts. Normally we would go out somewhere to occupy us both. Me to keep my mind busy not to sit and dwell with my anxiety

Have you given one seconds thought to how your Mum feels or is it all about how you feel ? You choose to have a child, so parent. Maybe you will be happy when your Mum only has you to focus on because her Mother has died.

I didn’t engage @Seventyone72seventy3 because a lot of it was snipey and patronising, and I felt very much like I was being told off! It feels like you’re borderline stalking me on MN now, you keep popping up on stuff I comment on and challenging it
Also no, @OhCaptain MN is universally supportive of MH, or maybe it was until you mention coronavirus, then it all goes out the window!

BlueMoon1103 are you actually serious? You really think that the OP's mum should forget about her own mum because her daughter 'looks sad'? Unbelievable!
OP, I'm sorry you have anxiety atm but your mum is clearly doing her best, can you imagine how difficult a time she must be having?

@BlueMoon1103 It feels like you’re borderline stalking me on MN

Or maybe I am a fellow anxiety-sufferer who is actually on lock down and thought my advice might be useful to you? And guess what? We are on a lot of the same threads because I am worried about the same things as you! However, as you clearly don't want my advice and think that I am a stalker I promise I won't comment any more!