Boyfriend is drunk off his arse

[aroseaday]

I went out last night/tonight with my girlfriends to a gig. I knew he was annoyed I was going out without him before but it was a girls night only (we are all early/mid twenties btw).

We've lived together for 3 years now and I've never ONCE seen him drunk. He hasn't been out with friends to drink all night since I've known him, just the odd pint and a game of pool, back by 11 scenario which is fine.

I didn't know he was going out. I left at 9 and got home by 1am to an empty house, dishes not done, bed not made, dog not walked etc and no reply from him. Cue worrying! He eventually texts me that he's out with mates and will be back soon. Come 3.30am he's stumbling in verbally abusing me (telling me to fuck off/go get on someone else etc) and literally unable to walk 2 feet without falling. Turns out he's been doing shots.

I sent him to sleep on the sofa as he was too drunk to shower and keeps throwing up. Got up for a wee and the toilet, toilet bowl, bath rim and wall are covered in vomit. Cleaned all that up for 30mins and he comes back in to puke again where he currently is.

I have no idea who this man is. I have severe anxiety and emetophobia so this is really pushing my limits atm and I've been crying.

Bet he'll be out of commission tomorrow too so everything will be left to me to clean as we only have one bathroom and I'm not using it in that state!

I'd leave the house and not come back for 24 hours- let him sort it. He sounds pathetic if he's done this as some revenge. If that is the case, run a mile. Sorry you're going through this.

I agree he's only gone out as revenge. What kind of grown man acts like that. Never stop going out with your friends.

@NoPinkPlease I can't leave the house, I have nowhere to go and I don't want to tell my friends/family as it's so embarrassing!

Thank you, it has helped venting on here, I agree, it feels like revenge or spite.

Just want to sleep, bloody well can't now.

Look we've all made mistakes and behaved badly at one time or another. So for the drunkenness and puking I would be inclined to forgive. But.....why was he annoyed you were going out on your own? And why did he then feel the need to go and get bladdered? If there is no simple explanation ..... Think, it was your anniversary and he had a suprise planned... that's the only reason he can be annoyed you are going out by yourself.... that's the worrying bit. Does he never let you out alone? Does he never go out alone? Is he controlling? Is he super insecure? That's the bit I would be exploring. It is normal to have friends and sometimes see them alone. So he can't blame you for his behaviour.

@iwanttoshakesomeppl he always says to me 'oh well your friends are single so they obviously want to chat up boys' and seems to think I'll do the same?! I've never given him a reason not to trust me and I'm sick of him thinking I'm going to leave him or cheat. It's insulting. It's not even enjoyable going out anymore with my friends as I always feel I have to update him and come home earlier.

Did you go out at 9am or 9pm? If 9pm I wouldn't have an issue with dishes, bed and dog not done because either of you could have done it before 9pm. I would have an issue with what looks like a horribly messy act of revenge though.

@Mumdiva99 I can forgive the drunken night. I can't forgive the verbal abuse and the blatant disregard for my anxiety over vomit if he knows he going out to get vomit level drunk. He should know his limits he's a grown adult.

I won't be with him though if he's intending to now go out partying every time I go out as it ruins it for me.

Definitely our anniversary nor any significant date for us.

He does hate when I go out with friends mid week for a coffee too as he feels I don't spend enough time with him. (We do spend plenty of time together and often I'm trying to get him to come out with me to do stuff!)

@MyOtherProfile 9pm. We usually wash up straight away, I don't mind washing up personally but if he knows he's made a big mess making dinner and knows I will be eating when I get back it's basic curtesy! He usually does!

It's definitely revenge. I'm sure he's regretting it now though 😷

The verbal abuse bothers me more than anything, doing it for "revenge" and not looking after the dog. DH would occasionally go out and get shit faced with his mates when we were your age, but he is all silly and funny when drunk, not aggressive and abusive.

I agree with above pp.

Sounds like an act of revenge. Which a serious 'red flag'.

Also agree that if you went out at 9pm, surely you both could have done all those bits earlier in the day.

But the big problem is, it sounds like he has gone out, got hammered to try and stop you wanting to go out in future..

Hoesbtly, I was married to someone like this. It became such a drama to go anywhere. So I stopped. It made him happy and me miserable. Until I left him.

It's really not worth it, for someone who is nice lost of the time. Because once they learn they can make you adapt you behaviour. It escalates.

I think it could be a red flag, it sounds like he has been quietly controlling for a while.
I would seriously think about whether you want to continue in this relationship.
You are both young and have plenty of time to move on before things get more serious in terms of his behaviour getting worse and or marriage, children, etc.
In a relationship you should both be able to socialise with your own friendship groups. Don't let him isolate you or feel guilty.
You deserve more than this.

Well, isn’t he working hard to make sure you don’t spend any time with friends?
He is selfish, controlling and abusive.
Think hard about staying in this relationship.

Just because your friends are single doesn't mean you shouldn't see them. Tell him if he ever makes a fuss again of you seeing them then you are off. Equally - you will not contact him while you are out above any messages you choose to send (my partner and I tend to inform each other where we are e.g. heading to station now)...then you have something to talk about the next day. And for your sickness phobia he should be ashamed and contrite and promising to never do this again. (Cut a tiny bit of slack if the shots were pushed on him by an overbearing friend...).

I'm much older than you and many of my friends are single! Doesn't mean they are on the pull all the time. Or that I shouldn't see them.

My ex was like this, it wasn’t until we split and I met my now DH I realised the level of control my ex had and my anxiety, because he would make my life so miserable if I dared go out.
If we went out together he would accuse me of looking at other men too.
It was like a breath of fresh air when my DH would encourage me to make plans and enjoy myself, no jealousy, mind games or revenge.
Please rethink this relationship, from what you have said here he sounds very controlling.
Don’t let this become your normal, as going out with friends and enjoying yourself should be a healthy part of your life.

Thank you everyone for the support, basically accepted I'm going to get no sleep tonight, he's still in the bathroom. If he leaves it in a state again I'm taking photos and showing him and making him clean it up.

The most concerning thing here is that he doesn’t want you to go out with your friends. For me that would be a deal breaker. Will you be able to talk to him about it today?

In many threads on here the men who say their partners are out looking for action are invariably doing this themselves. Because they do it, they think you will be too.
Add this to his controlling behaviour and that you got together quite young..... noooooo. Not good.
At least he has given you some exposure therapy for the emetophobia. But I think he has expended all of his usefulness now.

From my experience OP. I would end this relationship now. I recognise this scenario, it is a very big red flag.

He's weasled his way into bed and said 'god what is your problem'...

Is he joking? I wish we had a spare room right now don't feel like sharing a bed with FRESH SHEETS with someone who stinks of sick and booze.

Fucking idiot. I hate hearing people be sick. I've never understood why people drink to oblivion.
So anxious rn.

Don't try to reason with him while he's in a state.

But do make plans to LTB. It is not normal for a partner to give you a hard time for going outside with your friends. That's no way to live.

Urgh what a prick.

Can you and the dog snuggle down on the sofa instead?

Or if you're sober enough to drive head to your parents or someone who'll be up early (wish I knew if you were a friend of mine as those of us with young kids are awake now and you'd be welcome round for a coffee and a moan!)

Leave him to his filth for the day and get your head in a straight place.

I think as crappy as last night was you maybe needed it to see truly what this guy is like.

I’d be reassessing my future with him. Sounds dreadful.

I’m sad for you reading this. The making you feel guilty for going and and accusing you of being capable of cheating are huge red flags.
I know you have a dog and live together, so the thought of leaving may seem scary or impossible, but please consider this relationship.

I’ve been there and it’ll really really mess you up. You’re already anxious over the sick, he’s already accusing you of cheating. He’ll keep doing this and stop you meeting friends mid week for coffee, until you feel the easiest option is to stop meeting your mates. Then he’ll start on at you about something else, guaranteed.

Don’t clean the bathroom again for him. Get you toothbrush and even wee in a jug if needs be-don’t clean up his mess for him.

Honestly, I can see where this is going so please confide in friends/family and make plans for a calmer life.

My husband and I actively encourage each other to have time out individually on hobbies/friends etc. That’s healthy, without any cheating accusations or revenge going out. I feel sorry for you (in a kind way, not patronising) that you’ve been up in the early hours stressed and anxious

You do realise he's got himself hurling-level drunk precisely because you have emetophobia and will obviously do anything to avoid being around vomiters, and therefore will never go out with your friends again. He doesn't usually drink, so he's not done this for fun - if he liked it that much he'd do it more often. He's done this purely for coercive control. Look it up.
Think about it, OP.